Help me process these feelings

[cleo81]

I know this is a third world problem but I am struggling to process my feelings.

I am very surprised at my own feelings to be honest. Basically ds had an informal assessment day at a private school for YR entrance today. Dh were very undecided about sending him private or state as we have a few good state schools near us. But family have offered to help with fees so we thought we d do it and see what happens. We weren't sure if we d accept an offer if ds 'passed' the enterance day anyway.

We weren't sure how to play it so didn't mention anything to ds until yesterday. When it was quiet and we were having a cuddle watching tv before bed I just said he was going to a school he might go to tomorrow for a play and it would be like his pre-school. I said there would be other children to play with a make friends with and teachers would do games with them. I left it at that.

Then this morning I repeated the above a couple of times and also said he needs to use kind hands, feet and voice. Be a good boy and make mummy and daddy proud by showing the teachers what he knows. I said he needs to do what the teachers say and answer any questions they ask if he knows the answer but it's ok if he doesn't. I said if he makes the right choices and makes us proud he can have a special treat. Try and talk and play with the others and have fun. We high fived and he seemed excited to go. I dropped him off gave him a big kiss and told him to enjoy himself and left. No problems.

Dh had talked about it and said we would play it down without putting pressure on him so we did. Looking back I feel like perhaps he wasn't really listening to me and was just being yeah, yeah mum sort of thing.

But when he came out all the other children ran out smiling and looked happy and chatting to their parents. Ds came out head down and not smiling. I was bright and asked how he got on- no answer. He spotted the magazines I had brought and started moaning about them and sounded very bratty which was embarrassing. He then ran off and wouldn't talk to me about it.

Anyway, once I started asking him about it it turns out he refused to do the activities and said I don't want to when asked to write rhyming words but verbally told her and refused to write numbers pass 11. He played by himself and with one other boy who happened to know from pre school.

I know he's only 4 but I feel so cross with him and I feel so disappointed and annoyed. I am surprised by these feelings and I guess maybe I wanted it more than I thought. I know he's going to get a rejection letter. I think I wouldn't feel like this if he'd got a rejection and just wasn't what they were looking for but I am finding it hard as I know he's capable to much more and he didn't show them that. He can be very stubborn and quite moody when he wants to be and guess was like that when it mattered the most but that was not the ds I dropped off in the morning.

I am blaming myself too. Perhaps I should have made sure he was listening to me and emphasised he had to do what the teacher asked but it didn't occur to me he would be like that. He can be like it at home but we ve never been told that he's like that at childcare.

To make it worse dsis is sending her ds for his assessment day next weekend and feel bit embarrassed if he got in and my ds didn't.

Cross, disappointed, annoyed and embarrassed.

They are the words you have used in your op. That's why people are saying they feel sorry for your son. you are not needing help to "process your feelings," you want to be told its fine to think this way.

Just let him be a four year old.

He took a while to settle into Pre school but is now very happy. He has two sides to him I guess. He does have the ability to be moody and singular and is very stubborn. I guess I knew this and that's why I said the do what the teacher asks bit. I was genuinely trying to do right by my child and find a school which was best for him. I didn't mean to do or say the wrong thing.

I think I would accept the no if he d shown what he was capable of today but I am finding it difficult to get a no when they didn't see the 'real' ds.

Yes, I guess if he didn't want to do the activities it wasnt the best perhaps on reflection it's not the best environment for him. But then he took a while to settle into pre school so maybe it would have just taken time rather than it not being the best place for him.

I'd probably feel like that too. Completely natural. There are other schools. I'd play it down with DS. He probably felt a bit overwhelmed by it all, that's all.

That's why I kept it very low key and said it was a fun day to play with other children. I said it was to see if he liked it there

But you could look at it the other way, he had no pressure, he didn't like it - he's a 4 year old boy being asked to write rhyming words by a stranger when told he was going to play with kids. Why would he like it? He made a decision not to engage, to me that shows a lot of sense.

Obviously you're getting a hard time, because a school which expects children to be able to write and spell eight months before starting reception even starts is an odd school. Equally all schools do not assess children six months before they start, only a very tiny minority do.

Amy you missed stubborn, very bratty, uncooperative and moody as words used to describe a four year old.

I think I would accept the no if he d shown what he was capable of today but I am finding it difficult to get a no when they didn't see the 'real' ds.

But that's the problem with this style of brief "assessment", not with your son! You might not have noticed it today, but there are bound to be other very clever small children with great potential who also miss out because they are feeling tired or shy or under-the-weather on the day. That's just a risk of the school selecting on the basis of one morning.

Thanks for the more helpful posts back.

Yes, I guess I am surprised at my feelings I am struggling with how right I am to feel them.

I guess it because I know he's bright and is capable of doing all he was asked. Or all he's told me he was asked. This isn't because he's been pushed by dh and I it's just where he's at. I guess I was cross because he hasn't shown what he can do so a no isn't based on a true reflection of him. I sure a refusal wouldn't have gone down well. But I wouldn't be happy with ds if he refused to do what he was asked by the teacher in any school or pre school. To me, it's rude. I am cross because he was rude and uncooperative rather than if he hadn't known the answer.

Mrs frumble- to me being shy is fine, that's the child's personality and I wouldn't be cross or upset with that. It's the refusal that is different. Not showing what he can do rather than not having the confidence or ability not to be able to do it. He knows and I know he can do it. It's the refusal that's made me upset/cross not that he couldn't do it.

I don't think you have done anything wrong, OP, you just underestimated how much this competitive assessment affects you. You are well aware of your feelings and I am sure you will be able to keep it in check in front of your DS after the initial shock. With this experience, you know yourself better and next time when you encounter similar situations, you will handle it better.

"Make Mummy and Daddy proud"
He's a human being, not an accessory that has to perform to your satisfaction. Get a dog and go to Crufts if that's what you want.
The emotional pressure you put that poor little child under is terrible and your feeling 'cross' with him afterwards is even worse.
I've seen some conditional parenting in my time but this really is the limit.

Also, with age, your DS will understand more about the reason for these assessments and what he needs to do. At 4, whatever people say, it is very dependent on luck.

cleo the real him is a bit moody, that's normal in this age children.

He's not being rude and uncooperative, he's just reluctant to perform like a seal in this pressured environment. It doesn't sound relaxed, you don't sound relaxed and you are now cross at him instead of it being a 'fun time'. I'm sure if he'd gone a few times, he would have started joining in and done what they asked, even if it does seem quite unrealistic for a four year old anyway.

Thanks for the nice replies.

Think I am going to withdraw from this post now. It's making me feel upset and I am blaming myself for saying the wrong thing to him and blaming myself for taking him rather than dh doing it. I tried my best, I wasn't sure what the right thing to say was but wanted to say try your best basically. I am kicking myself for ruining it by not saying the right thing. I guess I should have told him more about what they might do so he wasn't shocked or put on the spot. I only wanted what was best for him.

So bye

My interpretation of this is that actually you did want him to get a place, and you are cross with yourself for not preparing him properly for the assessment. Once you are honest with yourself about this, you'll find it much easier to "process your feelings".
Also, the family dynamic with sister (?or Sil can't remember) is an added complication. Perhaps you'll feel more at ease if she also doesn't get a place?
Stick him in your local state school. If unhappy with it, try again at 7+. Don't worry too much about this. He is 4. You have heaps more shit to get through as a parent.

I.understand your disappointment and if you are still here - I don't think you are cross at your son. I think you are more cross.at the process and what is an unrealistic expectation of a four year old. And it doesn't seem right or fair. My almost 4 year old won't cooperate at the best of times and won't always join in straight away. All of us parents of kids the same age lament about the trials and tribulations of this age. Please be easy on yourself and your kid and just realise that things will.work themselves out in the end. You don't know at this stage if he will or won't get into this school yet so.try not to worry. You know you have good fallback positions of good state schools. My kids are going to state schools as I know thats ok for now. I myself went to a semi private school and a state school in my last year and I discovered I was behind in subjects that I was near top in my private school. Just because it was too small to.do the subjects for the same number of years. OH and I have come to the conclusion that it is more about the child rather than the school when it comes to success. It sounds as though you are a very caring parent and have a few resources at your disposal, so regardless of the primary school I am sure your boy will be getting plenty of good opportunities to learn. Wishing your family the best of luck.

"Oh F off chipped."

That response lost me any sympathy for you...I don't see that response often on primary board.

but I am finding it difficult to get a no when they didn't see the 'real' ds.

Didn't you say he did this at home though? So, in a way, they did see the real him. Not demonstrating what he can do 'academically' is unlikely to be an issue. Academic skills are very rarely what they are looking for at 4+, it's usually attitude to learning and interaction with other children.

And if they refuse a place solely on the basis that he refused to carry out a task he was asked to do in an unfamiliar environment, then it probably isn't the right school for him anyway.

I agree with Rafals. They won't just have been looking at his academic ability but whether he will fit into the dynamics of the class etc. Tbh, it doesn't matter how capable he is academically if that sort of pressured environment doesn't suit him.

I'm always disappointed at parent teacher meetings as DS isn't top of the class. I wasn't top of the class either (and did ok) but we have such hope for our children it's hard.

I think you're maybe cross with yourself for thinking you were actually maybe under preparing him, and are thinking if you'd done more practice with him he would have done "better".

TBH if you did actually say what you've written it does sound like a lot of pressure on him.

Irvine shame that post was deleted as it gave better insight into what the OP was really concerned about...

cleo, your ds and you are still at an early stage of the educational journey. As he grows up, I think you will see more and more clearly that it isn't always possible to provide the perfect opportunities for him: his teachers won't always do and say exactly the right things, he won't always have a perfect day at exam times, even if you selected the best school in the world it might not be perfect for him, he may be turned down for the perfect job through no fault of his own.

This is not a perfect world and that is what he needs to grow up equipped to deal with. And the person who needs to model that for him is you.

So start with today's setback: move on from it, accept that this is what it is and quite possibly for the best, make the most of whatever options remain. He won't notice what you are doing this time round, but as he grows older, he will take his cue from you about how to deal with disappointment. So start practising now. Think of it not as a failure but as a teaching and learning opportunity.

Honestly they saw what they were interested in. The school isn't just selecting for academic ability, they also want "easy" kids that will settle right in straight away. Sit down and do whatever you tell them, not mind pressure, probably have academic parents that will tutor them for SATs and the 11+/common entrance tests when the time comes. etc. If you still want to go down the private route there will be schools that might be a much nicer fit for your DS.

Whatever you decide though it's important not to live too viciously through your DS's academic successes and failures. Our job is to provide the best opportunities for our children to turn into happy, well rounded individuals. Not push them so we can bask in their reflected glory.

This is why selection at 4 based on one session is totally ridiculous. Its insane and if you get in, you will suddenly feel like he's elite and wanted. If you dont, you feel like he failed.
Maybe they wont get loads of shining stars this time, maybe they will?
If you get it are you special - nope they just want your cash at the end of the day and bums on seats.

Geez! I feel like there are a lot of harsh words! I do not think what cleo said was so bad. She just wanted to make sure her son tried his best at the assessment. Its difficult when kids are so young and you want them to try or show their best. And of course its normal to feel disappointed when your kids do not try their best or do the opposite and act out. However, hopefully the teachers there understand he is only 4 and perhaps he might have done okay in other areas. If he does not get it, just take it as a sign that it was not meant to be and he will probably excel more at the school he does get into. Good luck.

Having read your summary of what you said to him before he went in, I think you put loads of pressure on him. had you said nothing at all he would have probably played and joined in as at normal nursery.

The staff don't sound too impressive if they couldn't engage him and make him feel relaxed and happy to join in.

The assessment sounds too formal for a 4 yo and should have been done through play, not directly as you describe about the rhyming words.

I think you're probably well out of it. How would you feel if your niece didn't get in?