My son's best friend is a bully and a thug! HELP!

[samarcanda]

My son is in Year 1 and since Reception last year he made friends with other 3/4 boys. They became a little group and are always together.

The boy that he is closest to, happens to be a bully. We already had issues last year because , out of the blue, he would punch my son in the stomach. He calls him names and he is very well known by everyone (children and parents) for being a thug, violent both physically and verbally

I can't understand why my son (or the other 2 kids) want to be around him. My son is a sunny boy that always socialises with everyone (unlike the thug). His classmates love him and his teacher says he is always smiling and positive to everyone - WHY THE HECK HAS HE BEFRIENDED A BULLY?

The parents of the the thug boy are really lovely and they really want to meet up on weekends with us because his son loves to play with our son. They are very careful as soon as their son misbehaves, they tell him off, explain and make him apologies...BUT... he is not changing, he holds himself when his parents are around but as soon as they turn their heads, he strikes !...he told the mum of another boy 'you fat pig', almost strangled another child in the class and he is just mean to everyone.

My son always wants to have playdates with him, but I don't want to. He cries because his other 2 friends are allowed playdates with the thug (despite the thug broke a tooth to one of them!) and sees them going home together.
My husband and I really don't know what to do... it breaks my heart to force my son out of his little group of friends but i don't want him to pick up any horrid behaviour (he hasn't so far but he ended up in trouble for being with the thug when he tried to strangled somebody at recess) and accept to be mistreated by 'a best friend'. We talk to him a lot and explain that friends don't make us feel bad or diminish us, that when he is not happy with the way the thug treats him, he has to stop playing with him... we invited a lot of other kids form class from playdate, but the thug remains his favourite child in class.

What should we do ?? I hinted many times to the thug's mum that my son wasn't happy of being punched (the teacher called her to tell her),and i had instructed him not to play with thug anymore. She was mortified but i don't have the impression they can do more than that.

Is it right for us to intervene and deny our son to see his friends? what else can we do?

Constantly calling a 5yr old "the thug" makes you sound like an utter twat.

They're little kids, they're just starting to learn right from wrong. You as the adult should know better.

I say this as the parent of a 5yr old who was picked on for a few weeks last year by two kids he went through nursery and reception with, it stopped after I spoke to the teacher and trusted her to sort it out.

I find your insistence on calling this 5/6 year old child a "thug" deeply unpleasant.

Perhaps your son is more able to see past the challenging behaviour to the likeable qualities of the little kid displaying it than you are?

Yep, I lost any sympathy for your 'plight' when I read 'thug' for the 6th time

If his parents are (apparently) lovely I wonder what else is going on ?
Calling child a thug is nasty
Children learn behaviour...where has he learned it from
?
Maybe there are things going on with the "lovely" parents? Could be ill health or aNything really. How well do you know them?
Tske your son for play date and go along and supervise.

What are school doing to support this "thug" child ?

You sound like an absolute tool tbh. When I clicked on this I thought it would be at least secondary school. This kid is 6 maximum, you don't know what he might be diagnosed with, or what might be going on behind the scenes. You sound judgy and ridiculous! "Thug" he's still a baby!

A 6 year old thug

Ignoring that fact, I've been through similar with my DS, it went on for a few years, but thankfully stopped when the went to high school, he now has a lovely group of friends very like him, and his macho friend has his own group of friends, who his mum has said are a bad lot. Coincidentally, the mum was in a group of girls who bullied me at school, but she seemed to have forgotten that as was nice as pie to me, and we did a lot for each other during their friendship.

My son idolised his friend, I think he went along with the ribbing and the breaking of his things because he wanted to be liked by the friend. Sort of like Stockholm syndrome, you know they've done wrong, but you still want to be around them. It was awful to watch at times and I did at times try to discourage it.

I think, if you try to discourage it, do it gently rather than telling him not to be friends with him.

Perhaps the OP calls a spade a spade? The child sounds as though he displays what could be called thuggish behaviour that's for sure! Would you all prefer it if she had said "bully" instead? Typical MN ignore the request for advice and fixate on a single word instead!!

OP this is a difficult situation but you have to protect your child. Would there be any possibility of you talking to these parents about what's been happening? You are going to have to reduce contact with this child and honesty may be the best policy but only you can make that call. Otherwise just make sure your little boy becomes very busy outside of school!

You sound like a twat. He's a 5 year old, not a thug or a bully.

Folks I sense this OP doesn't have english as a first language. Cut them some slack about colloquialisms.

I do agree with the other posters about calling a 5 year old a thug.

However, leaving that aside, I will share my experience with you. At this age my DS1 (who is a sensible, well behaved boy) was best friends with the naughtiest boy in the class, who was sometimes violent as well as being very badly behaved. I can't say I was delighted, but I went with it as my DS1 liked him so much and I didn't want to forbid the friendship. My DS1 went for play dates with this boy, and I had him over to play as well. My DS1's behaviour was not influenced, and it helped that I liked the boy's mum. After a couple of years they grew apart naturally.

By the way, he was later diagnosed with ADHD... so he wasn't just a naughty boy in the end.

Why do you sense that shurley

Dunno really. Could be wrong but some unusual turns of phrase in their post.

I agree you sound horrible. The boy is 5, FFS. Am sure your sunny little angel has his moments as well!!

Ok sorry for thug, I am Spanish mother tongue even if I lived here over 20years, some words are just not as charged for me... I was looking for a word to describe a more physical violent behaviour than bullying which seems mostly psychological

Anyway, i know that he is only 6, I am not blaming him at all, and really feel for him and his family, I even met his grandmother and she seems even more lovely than his parents. Of course one never knows what goes on , but I don't think that's what the problem is.
(I have been to their house many times)

I think there is definitely something as it's not normal 6 year old tantrum or 'having his moments'... the whole class and the parents have all reported quite heavy episodes for a 6 year old.
I don't know what the school is doing and I am obviously worried that at some point my son might 'copy' his friends behaviour...

Ok so it sounds like this boy has either diagnosed or undiagnosed special needs. Children that age may act out for number of different reasons.
If your son copies you sit him down and explain what is correct behaviour.
Your kids will copy others and is up to you to explain and show what is right. And to maybe speak up as well telling the boy or another adult eg hitting is not nice.

Jesus, I really hope the other parents aren't on this site.
How unkind of you.
And what a shame your son will grow up with such a judgmental mum.

6 year old boys are giddy, get over excited when playing with their friends and are a lot more physical than girls are at that age.

To me this is something that should be managed by the school. They should have measures put in place to ensure he is well supervised, that he has somewhere he can go and calm down when he needs to and that maybe he isn't given as much freedom until he shows he can not punch people.
It doesn't sound like he has additional needs to me (but he may). He sounds like a few of the boys I supervise at school and especially the popular boys tend to be a bit more boisterous as they know that the other kids like them so they feel they can be a bit more bossy as they will always have someone to play with.

As for the name calling. He is getting that from somewhere! 6 year old kids don't just come up with insults and name calling off the top of their heads, this is a learned behaviour so I would be questioning where he picked up the language from.

If you don't like him (and you don't have to!) then decline all invites for play dates and make sure you express yourself to the class teacher to ensure they know about any issues. Often if it's happening at playtime and the teacher isn't present they may not be aware of it happening if the play time supervisor doesn't mention it.

But please don't use derogatory comments and names to describe a CHILD you say is bullying yours. You are an adult and calling a small child a thug and a bully is very wrong. he might be displaying bullying behaviours but labelling him like you have is not helpful and makes you sound like a dick.