To invite or not to invite ...

[Sillysausages007]

DD's 11th birthday party is looming, being held for about 20 children at the local Laserquest venue.

There is one particular girl that my DD does NOT want to invite. This child is very spoilt and has an extremely abrasive manner. I know she's been very rude to my DD, blows hot and cold with her friendship, and can generally be a complete pain.

DD is adamant that she doesn't want to invite this child to her party. On the face of it it's a no-brainer. However DD was recently invited to, and attended, this particular girl's own party. This girl is also on the edge of a lot of friendships, and I truly get the feeling that she's excluded from a lot of groups because of her manner, and subsequently is excluded from parties. This resonates particularly strongly with me because a few years ago, until we moved schools, our DD was dreadfully bullied and completely excluded from all events, both at school and out. That's another post which I don't need to go into here - but my point is that I know what it feels like to be excluded from things, and it hurts.

I'm also old enough (!) to feel that if you accept an invitation from someone, it is only polite to return the invitation when you have your own party.

So what do we do? DD has been in tears at the thought of this child coming to her party. But in a party of 20, all running around in the dark, I don't think she will see much, if any, of her. But it is DD's party and I absolutely don't want to spoil it for her in any way. Help.

I wouldnt invite her personally. Its your DDs day. Her choice. It can be awkward if one child invites yours and you dont invite back but at our school everyone agrees that its the parents that set the numbers and the DC who chose who is invited.

At five I'd probably invite but not at 11. It's your DDs day let her be happy.

I can see your concerns for this girl, and it's kind of you to think of her. However, if your daughter is in tears at the thought of her coming, you definitely can't invite the girl. If your daughter had just been a bit 'so-so' about it, you might have wanted to influence her, but not if it causes tears and stress for your daughter.

If you're inviting 20, is it going to be all the girls from her form?
If it's 20 out of 30 in the form and she's recently been to her party (I assume your dd went to that happily) then I think you probably should invite. Unless something has happened at the other girl's party or since, I'm afraid I would exercise a little skeptism that she can go happily to her party but be in tears at the thought of her coming to her own.

If it's half the girls in her form and then other children from other contexts then no don't.

Thank you all for your wise words. Witchend - DD's intending to invite about 5 girls from her class of 25, 5 from her (similarly sized) parallel class, and the other 10 or so from outside school (guides etc), so this girl definitely won't be the only one not invited. You raise a very good point though; we have personal experience of being the only one in a class not to be invited to an event, but in this instance the girl in question will be in the majority (ie those not invited), rather than the minority. I for one could never miss out just one child (unless something cataclysmic had happened), although I know not everyone feels like that. :(

DD is my priority, every time, so I think we shall simply invite those children that she wants to invite.

I think it's ok not to reciprocate as long as you're only inviting a few, as you've described.

In your position I'd explain to my DC (when they were calm and receptive) that you totally get why they don't want to invite her, but there are reasons why it might be kind to invite her (if she had an ok time at this girl's party I'd definitely remind her), and then give DC the final say.

Why did your DD go to this girl's party recently if she doesn't like her? If it was very recent i think it is rude not to return the invite unless there has been something specific that has happened since that your DD could say if asked by the other girl.

Sorry, realised witchend said same thing...

I agree with witchend and ilovegreen. If my dd didn't like someone and didn't want her to come to her party, I would not be accepting an invite to hers. It seems wrong to accept and invite and then not recriprocate unless of course something has happened in between or it is a very small party-2 or 3 friends.