How to help children feel that state isn't second best

[FlimFlamMam]

Hi,
any advice welcome I have twins in y6. A significant minority of children at my children's primary are going to private secondary schools. We can't afford to send our two but they are acutely aware that some of their friends are going private and there has been lots of talk about how much better private schools are, nicer facilities, better results, smaller classes. How can I make them feel ok about the education that they'll be getting at the local comprehensive? Thanks.

Next time your twins mention it, just say that their friends are being silly and that all schools have strengths and weaknesses.

Please don't say anything negative about private schools. That would make you an inverted snob, and will not be a helpful attitude for your twins to have.

Instead, focus great their new school is going to be. Presumably the majority of their friends are going there? There must be some good teachers, facilities etc to talk about.

Just don't dwell on it. The more you make an issue of it, the more they will think there is an issue.

"Who on earth has been spreading that message to 10 year olds? Other 10 Yos, or their parents?"

People always say this if they haven't been in a year 6 class where they children go to different schools where some are regarded as "better" for whatever reason than others. 10 year olds are observant and canny and listen to their elders. Often when said elders don't think they are. And some 10 year olds are capable of extraordinary levels of one upmanship, snobbery and unkindness. And do not yet have the maturity and sensitivity to know when to keep their mouths shut!

Why are they not going to private school? Answer honestly.

The facts according to this article are that 7% of privately educated people take 70% of the 'top jobs'.

It is also possible to do well enough at a comprehensive, and the very best do compete.

I am a socialist at heart and idealogically opposed to the idea of private school plus financially opposed due to having 'not made the most of the opportunities available' (an argument made by a privately educated wealthy acquaintance who disagrees with the suggestion private education provides a disproportionate advantage).

In our family, the facts stand, we can't afford it. If I had valued a private education above the life that we have built (3 kids, live in the countryside, one working parent, one who gardens, makes cakes, runs the sports club) I would have continued with my high flying finance career and probably only had one or two children.

anotherdayanothersquabble The facts according to this article are that 7% of privately educated people take 70% of the 'top jobs'

Or they could read the article properly because it doesn't state that "7% of privately educated people take 70% of the 'top jobs'.

Saying unpleasant, unkind and untrue things about private schools is not the answer, as I'm sure you know, OP. As others have said be positive about the school they are going to ...

"Saying unpleasant, unkind and untrue things about private schools is not the answer, as I'm sure you know,"

Agreed. It would be very lovely if the reverse was also held to.

OK, Bertrand, fair enough, I guess this may well be rife in grammar areas where they are all involved in taking the 11+ and know what impact it has on school choice.

In our Yrs of Yr 6 the vast majority went to one of the two local comprehensives, knowing that they were good schools, and were glad not to be taking a long bus journey to the independents .

A couple took tests for the super-selectives, but none of the other kids took much notice of that.

lljkk didn't notice that when I wrote it! My autocorrect has a mind of its own at times. It tried to correct "nasty" as "matey", which is plain odd too. I did notice that one.
Although my previous phone autocorrect changed dd2's name to "bomb" ever time. It made for some very interesting messages.

Given the wide inequalities in this country, I try to teach my daughter to aspire to great things but also to be content with what she has. I think if I manage that, it will be the greatest gift of all.

Point out the many good things their new school has, the many new friends they'll make, and tell her that as long as they work hard and read widely, the world is their oyster.

I would just point out that everyone is different, and different schools suit different people. They all have their strengths and weaknesses.

As above, I wouldn't even begin to get into the why's and wherefore's of the finances I would just say that different schools offer different things and you've chosen the school you think is best for them.

Also, it's only December, have those children even sat the entrance exams yet? If not then they might well be having to eat their words come March

Don't say that you've chosen the right school for them if it's not actually true. Particularly if people are going on about how fantastic the private school is.

Just say that some schools cost more money that you can afford, but that you'll choose the best one for them from the ones you can afford.

This will definitely be happening in school if my dds' year 6 classes were anything to go by - and that was just between two local comprehensives!

I'd say, look, your class is unusual - actually most people can't afford private school, so we're not looking at that. Your school is x y or z, and we like a b and c about it, and I think you'll be fine there. Most people actually do go to state schools, and not everything about private schools is ideal anyway.

If it was me I'd be explaining why I personally think private schools are a problem and I want nothing to do with them anyway, but that would just be me!

Tell them that the bigger inequalities are housing and private healthcare. I never know whether these threads are created to encourage yet another state v private school debate.

I always sigh at the generalisations made for both sides, the little anecdotes that get wheeled out as fact and the boring stereotypes.

I have had one in a secondary modern, a SS grammar and my dd2 is in a private school. They all have different needs.

Life is what your children choose to make of it. A hard working child in comprehensive will do better than a lazy child in a top private school. Private schools undoubted have advantages, but there is no substitute for working hard. In your situation I would be honest with the twins and tell them you cannot afford private education.

The reality is that state schools often are second best and ten year olds understand this. They are also old enough to understand that their parents can't afford everything.

Not really fair to say "second best" when comparing 5.5K per child with skysthelimit per child!

Children will see the trimmings their private school friends get that they don't. "We can't afford it" is the only thing to say if you're not choosing on ideological grounds.

Tell them about all the holidays (or whatever) they'll be getting because you don't have to pay for their education.

TBH I don't think this is so much a child issue as a parent issue. If you believe the school you are sending your children to is the best for them then so will they.

Just because it's private doesn't mean it's better, although obviously you must never do another school down.

You are sending your children to the best school available to them. You do not need to make apologies or make them feel better about differences in facilities. Also be realistic what are the differences in facilities- if it things like a theatre how often would they use that?

There are some great state schools and some great private schools. They will take the same GCSE's wherever they go.

There is much snobbery about schools- rather then apologising to them for where they are going celebrate it. OP you sound like you'd rather send them private- maybe this is something you need to get over?

"TBH I don't think this is so much a child issue as a parent issue. If you believe the school you are sending your children to is the best for them then so will they."

This honestly isn't true. As anyone who has actually been in this sort of situation can tell you. And anyway, what if you don' believe that the school you are sending them to is the best for them- it's just the only one available to them?

BertrandRussell Wed 14-Dec-16 15:29:50 it's just the only one available to them?

Good point. How many people have a genuine choice when it comes to schools?

I did have a choice of 9 state schools, however, I suspect that a lot of people don't have any real choice.

My childrens cousins and several of their friends attend private school and it's never come up as a conversation between the children. I think if they asked I'd concentrate on the strengths of the school we'd picked and how each child suits a different type of school so their parents had picked one that was right for them. Eg our local secondary has a nice hockey pitch and we liked the DT room.

Sorry. My mistake, commenting on my phone makes it difficult to re read.

7% of the population are privately educated while over 70% of the top military and legal posts, over 60% of doctors and over 50% of journalists all come from this elite group.

Still a staggering inequity.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied, some really useful advice here.