Dd doesn't want to go to school because "the other children all laugh at me"

[roseylea]

I'm feeling v. about this.

She's 4.5, just started full time school in Jan having been with the same other children in nursery. She's always been so positive about school and loved going. The week before half term she had an infection and had to have the Moday - Wednesday off. I thought by Thurs that she was actually better enough to go in, but she pleaded to have more time at home, then the school was shut because of the snow anyway. I was a bit at the time.

Then today I asked her if she was looking forward to going back and she said no, because all the others make her feel upset when they laugh at her. I don't really know what to make of it, whether she's just being over-sensitive or if there is a problem.

She's a very serious little girl who takes everything literally (but she is great fun too), and tries her hardest in school. I've sen her there and her behaviour is perfect. The teachers say she is the ideal pupil. She's very bright for her age and is in groups with other children who are older than her fr literacy and numeracy. She also suffers from severe excema all over the face and body, with red flaky patches - part of me is worrying that she is being marked out as 'different'.

She's a sensitive girl and takes everything to heart - eg one of the teachers told her that her jumper looked silly (I'm sure the teacher meant it affectionately) a few months ago and she has refused to wear it since then.

I know the obvious thing is for me to talk t othe teachers but it's difficult finding a time when dd isn't with me, and I know that if she heard me talking about this wit the teachers it would probably make her feel worse.

Any pearls of wisdom?

THank you!

Is she just getting nervous about returning after what must seem a long time off. I am sure after a couple of days back she will settle down again. If not then speak to the teacher - perhaps she could phone you?

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I don't really have any advice but I do know how you feel. DD has said many times no one wants to play with her and some of the boys have made fun of her, and this left me really worried. Had a one to one with teacher (a sort of parents evening) and asked about this and the teacher was really suprised and said she thought dd was a popular child who was rarely seen alone! Also have driven past the school when they are playing out and there she is right in the middle of the action every time! Not saying your dd is the same but reids idea to ring the teacher could help to put your mind at rest.

thanks for that. i'm not sure what it's all about - at the end of the summer hols she was longing to go back (to nursery, with the same teacher and the same classmates) so I don't think it's to do with the break.

It might have been a one-off when she thought that the others were laughing at her (that's what I hope anyway). You're right Cod - getting on with it is probbaly the best way to go...

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I agree with cod re not letting her see that you are taking it seriously, just jolly her along and hope all will be well.

But, on the other hand, I am not the sort of mother to stand by and see my "precious darlings" suffer, so I would also ring up and see if you can speak to the teacher at some time without your dd being around. The teacher might be able to suggest a time when she is not teaching or maybe she could phone you. It would do no harm, and might put your mind at rest, to have a little chat with the teacher about how she sees your dd is settling in to school, whether she seems upset in class, whether she has made new friendships, etc. If she only started in January, she is still very much in the early stages of settling in and I am sure most of the other parents of January starters are also checking up on whether their chid has settled in yet or not.

THanks Dumbledoresgirl!

Yes, I think finding a way of talking ot the teacher would be a good idea. But primary teachers don't get non-contact time, do they? And after school dd is at home with me so she'd hear what I was saying...

Dd would not be the type to show that she was upset in class - she takes everything in quietly. Eg when she fell and cut her leg in the playground she went to some lengths to hide it from the teachers. She so wants to please the teachers, bless her. And fit in with the other kids.

Also the set-up of her school is such that she's been with the same teacher and classmates for a year and half a term now. They started in the nursery which is attached to the primary school and the idea is that the progression from nursery to reception is seamless...so it's not as if she's in a new situation as such.

I'm not sure if she said it to get a reaction out of me or not. I got the the impression that she wasn't actually that keen to talk about it, and that if I hadn't asked whether she was looking forward to going back, she would neve have mentioned it.

Hmmm...

yes, primary school teachers do get non contact time, although whether the teacher will be able to talk to you in that time is another matter!

I don't think it matters that your dd is with the same children and her nursery was attached to the school. This is a new situation for her - new room, new teacher maybe, new routines, new expectations and clearly something is bothering her as she would not have made up the bit about the other children laughing at her (IMO). It might be that all you want to do is gain reassurance from the teacher that she is happy at school and perhaps reiterate that she is not one to complain openly and that therefore the teacher should be aware that things may not be all they seem.

I totally agree with Dumbledore. Starting school even with the same friends is a whole new ball game. Unless she was at full time nursery she is probably getting very tired. Alot of children in reception (and year 1) tend to fade by the week before half term. Coupled with not being well it maybe that she just wants some time at home with you. I had a little boy last year who worried his Mum was lonely at home and wanted to stay home to keep her company. Arrange to talk to DD's teacher. As a reception teacher I see reassuring parents as part of my job. It is a little concerning that she hides cuts etc. Hopefully with time she will settle i but it may take until after easter. Definately arrange to speak to the teacher. You can always leave a message for the teacher at the office. I never mind giving parents a quick ring at lunch time. But I won't unless it's urgent during my PPA because I have loads to do then.

Oh maybe invite a friend (and Mum) round to play after school it always seems to help boost confidance.

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Or get another mum to have your dd to play after school (will boost her confidence) while you see the teacher without her (to get reassurance yourself)

Hi Rosey

This sound similar to us. Ds1 - normally an outgoing and happy little chap - has had similar problems a couple of times and I had a word with the teacher who was helpful in promising to keep an eye on things.

Interestingly, our worst episode was last Octoberish when he'd just had a brilliant six weeks settling into a new class, made some good friends, was really happy and then lost them all and upset two teachers all in two day! Then he developed a temperature and was off school for 3 days. He was v. scared about going back and face the music but after a break found that things were much better. We worked out when he had recovered that he had been a) behaving strangely and therefore upsetting folks, just before getting ill and b) was much more sensitive to criticism whilst not feeling well too. The pattern was repeated when he was going down with something again recently, though less dramatically. I have to teach him to be tolerant of himself and others towards the end of half terms, when he is getting tired and ready for a holiday, and when he is not well too.

See how she gets on tomorrow, but it may well not be as bad as she expects. If it is still bad, I would definitely ask the teacher if you could find time for a quick word. Could your dd play with a friend in the playground for 10 minutes after school whilst you pop to see the teacher?

HTH.

WEll...

Dd went of fto school this morning, not all that happily, and as soon as we got through the gates she yelled "THomas!" and ran off to see a frend.

I managed to have a quiet word wit the teacher as dd was getting her shoes changed etc, and she had a chat with dd this morning - dd told her that she feels a bit sad sometimes because she has no-one to play with and that the others are nasty to her. So in circle time the teacher talked about all being good friends and she got all the children to say somehing nice about dd - apparantly they said some really lovely things! And dd has chosen two special friends (both boys) to play wih her...

She was beaming when I picked her up and skipped all the way home. I didn't expect the teacher to deal with it so obviously but it seems to have worked!

Pleased for you!