I know this has been done to death but should I send ds to private school or state?

[yummymummycleo]

We are currently looking at schools for ds. We have two local schools we are considering. One outstanding which we aren't technically in the catchment for but could potentially get in from the waiting list, and one graded good.

Went and looked around the outstanding one and just didn't like it and couldn't see ds being happy there.

Went and saw the good one and loved it. A lovely community feel, impressed with the head and could see ds being happy there. It's a very mixed school in what is classed as a deprived area but right on the edge of an affluent area (where we are I guess) dh and I quite like this as we don't want ds growing up in a little middle class bubble. Ht and staff seem very passionate and dedicated and it has a good reputation.

Most of the neighbours children go there or are likely to go there, it's walkable and I feel like the school has a lovely community feel. It's what I d always wanted for ds. The community feel of all his school friends living around the corner, eventually walking to school together, dh and I hopefully doing play dates and getting to know the other parents are exactly the main reason we chose to live where we do. It would be super easy for pick ups and drop offs as I work two days a week.

However, we are extremely lucky in that my dad has offered to pay the school fees for ds to go to a private school. We went and looked around the school and of course it has amazing facilities. It has amazing results, it has an amazing staff to children ratio and experiences/attention and opportunities for ds our local school cannot offer. But we didn't love it. We didn't get the same community feel. It felt very formal, the classrooms very minimal and businesslike. I didn't naturally see ds there as I could with the local school.

It's a 20 mins commute into town at very busy times so would be stressful for dh who does drop offs on the days I work and stressful for me to collect on working days too in comparison to the local state school. I work term time too and so the overlap for state school and private school holidays/after school
Clubs would be difficult and more expensive to cover financially, this would come out of our own pockets, than the local state school.

But I guess my main concern is the catchment area would be so much bigger so it doesn't have the same community feel, ds wouldn't be able to walk to school with his mates, play dates might be more difficult as other parents live further away. So on a selfish level I feel it would make it more difficult for me to make friends with the other parents and have meet ups. I feel ds and myself would miss out on the social side in a big way as neighbourhood kids and parents become friendly and we aren't involved as ds goes to school elsewhere.

Dsis and BIL are very pleased with the school and feel ds who's now in y1 at the private school is very happy. They feel and have been told by friends their ds excels in reading and maths because of the small class sizes. But perhaps he's just very bright? The small class sizes are attractive but then dh and I are concerned about how much ds would be pushed to achieve. How competitive his classmates and their parents would be and if this is the right environment for him. If he'd be happy in that environment. Would we be happy and fit in amongst these people?

But should we deprive ds of this amazing opportunity other children don't get because of our doubts? If we left it until secondary school would ds get in?

Private does not necessarily mean better. You've already enumerated some things that are important to you, that the private school doesn't offer.
For what it's worth, my parents sent me to a similar sounding private school and the number one thing I missed was local friends and being part of my local community. Not just for the social life, but for some intangibles such as self esteem and confidence and being part of something. I was a very isolated child growing up. So if you send him to the private school he might still feel he is missing out .

State for all the reasons you loved that school in the first place. Money just can't buy that. All the kids near us walk to fab local schools and it's a big community thing. My kids can't go anywhere near by without seeing mates from school etc I always feel sorry for the one DC on our street that goes private as he has no friends around here and has a 20-30min commute to school every day. He also has very expensive uniform, tons of home work, mates who live 45 mins away and no after school play meet ups etc

Start in the state and move privately in year 3 if you think necessary.

If you have a limited pot then save it for GCSE years.

It looks like money is not a problem here.So it is the problem to look which school is a better match to your DC. I would suggest OP to look into the 2 schools in details. And does OP has a lot of time to help DC after school? Is DC quite bright?I know DC is only 3 yet, but you can see signs if he is quite bright.

I feel a good state school does provide a good education, but it won't strech DC too much, so if DC is quick at learning, he may feel bored. Lots of parents provide extra after school, I don't mean math and English, but they take DC to various clubs, which we do as well. I used to take DS1 to vaious club, he learned 2 instrument, a few sports and chess. It was such a relief that he started secondary, everything are offerred at school.

Does fil know that it will cost around £125k per child over the next 14 years? What if he can't afford to continue paying for any reason?

Two local private schools are v expensive and v popular so lots in my eldest son year sent them at reception age to guarantee a place... it is selective entry to the junior/prep bit and I know of a fair few who didn't get through and have been thrown out...

It's a no brainer. If your DS doesn't fit in or do so well at state school then I assume the offer will still be there? You can always rethink when he starts secondary school or pull him out before that, but he might flourish at state schools. Not every kid does well in private.

Your dad could open a savings account for him instead maybe? For uni, or house deposit etc.

At the moment, your father's offer would actually cost you time, money and hassle.

This article comparing state and private schools surprised me. I'm curious to look at the data a bit more. It does suggest that the benefits of private education might be overrated.

blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/02/the-best-state-schools-have-pulled-ahead-of-private-schools-why-is-that-so-hard-to-accept/

If the money will run out in year 3 you would be bonkers to do it.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-33535216

It costs on average £286,000 to educate a child privately according to the BBC. He's paying for all his grandchildren. How many does he have? Because even if it's just 4 unless he has a million pounds lying around that's nothing more than a pipe dream.

Interesting article jasper

JasperDamerel, I think the state school mentioned in the article will be state grammar schools which lots of children don't have the chance to go.

last week, I talked to a friend about our improved secondary school has a GCSE A-C rate of 65%, she said her son's school didn't do very well, only around 50% this time. But their school is a grammar school, so I checked, what she mean is actually A/A rate, the A-C rate is over 90%. Then I looked the state grammar rank, oh, dear, they actually rank on A/A rate. So there are such big difference in state schools.

Thanks for the replies. I think I will discuss with dh about ds possibly changing schools later on. I don't want him to be happy somewhere though and then move and be unhappy.

Redskyatnight- that was also my experience of private school. I was moved at 9 from a state school and then we we moved to a little village near the school at 13. I was very isolated. None of my friends lived nearby so no play dates after school. Meet ups were infrequent as my best friend lived quite some distance away so it relied on the parents to meet half way between. I do think this led to friendship problems then and in the future. I missed out on a massive social side.

It's hard to tell at 3 but I think he is bright when comparing him to his peers even those older than him. He has a real thirst for knowledge right now and loves learning. I wouldn't want him to get lost in the crowd at a state school or loose his enthusiasm or not fulfill his full potential. But on the other hand I am not looking into pushing him into being a doctor or lawyer if he doesn't want to.

Honestly? If you send your child to a private school, you should be really passionate about it from the start. You should come away from the open day singing.

It doesn't sound as though this particularly (private) school is the best fit for you. This is important.

Trust your gut. Go with the good school that you loved.

Your gut reaction is always the right one!!!

I agree with many comments on here about private not offering a better education than state. You pay for smaller class sizes, better facilities and more enrichment opportunities. Sure, some get great academic results but at what cost to the child who is perhaps not naturally very able?

We didn't get our first choice state school (we knew we wouldn't) and "ended up" with a place at an OFSTED outstanding school that is the most oversubscribed in my town. I hated the place - it felt very oppressive, very religious and has very limited outside space. Friends thought we were mad to turn it down but it just didn't feel right.

My kids now go to a well regarded non selective prep school which we fell in love with as soon as we walked through the door. It just felt right and so "us". We have another prep right at the end of the road which is rather competitive and regularly manages out children not performing to standard. It gets great results because of this IMO. Now we get people looking at us like we're crazy as we don't send our children there. "If you can afford private then why wouldn't you want your children to go there?" Gets asked quite a lot.

What I am trying to get at is that everybody has different ideas about education and what is best. What's best for my kids is that they immensely happy - they are desperate to get to school in the morning and look disappointed when I pick them up. They come home grubby every day from climbing trees and building dens. They also do well academically because they are in the learning environment that fits them perfectly. Private or not doesn't come into it. Matching a school ethos with yours does.

Wait and see - move him to prep at Y3 (we have five new joiners in September in this year group) if you feel it's right. You don't buy a house simply on the basis that you can afford it so why should you an education????

Send your ds to the school that you (and he) instinctively feel is the right one. There is no point in paying for a private education if it isn't the right school for him. If he goes to the private school and hates it, then he might feel trapped and guilt-tripped into staying.

Ahh it's such a difficult choice. I agree I should be singing about the private school and have a buzz about it like I did with the local school. Perhaps we ll like the next private school we are seeing soon better.

My instincts are saying the local school so far, we have two more to see one private and one state. But I am worried I will make the wrong decision about what's right for ds. I chose his pre-school and thought he'd love it there and was certain moving him from the childminder to the pre-school was the right choice but he has never really loved it. He took so long to settle. So it makes me question I know him well enough to know which school would suit. I think part of the problem was it was like a family at the childminder and he had lots of 1-1 time as there were two of them. I think he found it difficult to go into an environment with so many other children and less adult attention. He is a confident boy usually but he seemed to go into his shell and I feel they didn't see the true character of ds. He's moved to another room now and seems happier but drifts around without any real friends. Although I know 3yos don't always make friends, they are 3! So I feel perhaps a smaller class where the teacher has time to give him more 1-1 time would be better.

I just want him to be happy and want to make the right decision for him. I worry we are putting difficulties getting to and from the school and my desire for a community feel above what is right for ds. He's bright and I want him to fulfill his potential without being pushed and made unhappy.