DS, 8, not popular at school

[Thomasina76]

So another school year has started and kicked off by DS, 8, not being inviting to one of his classmates's parties at the weekend. I heard the usual way (another mum telling me she hadn't got around to responding). As usual is seems that most of the boys in his class are going (there are 13 of them) bar DS and a couple of others. Trying really hard not to mind and I should be used to it now but hurts so much to see him excluded. We've tried inviting friends other for playdates which it's rarely reciprocated. Have spoken to teachers and no obvious issues but he doesn't have a best friend in the class and has commented before that he feels lonely and noone ever picks him as a partner. Sounds awful but I am really starting to hate the other parents for being so selective and excluding DS. Honestly feel like changing school but worried he could have the same problem there.

It is so hard to see your child excluded, especially if they are old enough to know that they have been left out. Unless you know of any reason why he's not bing invited i.e is he too quiet/too loud/bossy etc, then i would go up the route of befriending the other mums whos children are in ghe same class, invite them fir coffee etc, and say bring kids akong too etc, the more time they spend tigether this way will help him in class.

Does he do any regular social activities out of school? Is there a local football team he could join, or would he go to Cubs? He might find the 'best friend' outside of school, or click more easily with classmates away from school.

Poor soul, I have no advice I'm sorry but sending you both hugs. It must be horrid for you both and I'm sorry the others mums are so inconsiderate, if possible could you organise something for your DS and the other boys?

Xxx

Hi, so sorry your little boy isn't having a nice time at school :(

Our eldest two children who were in the same class at school were rarely invited but I think it was because the eldest has autism/learning difficulties and if they didn't want to invite him, they didn't invite his sister. We did get a few invites though.

Honestly in your case, your little boy seems bothered by it (ours weren't) and for that reason I would look at getting him to another school if at all possible, it doesn't sound like he's having much fun at school :( and I'm sure if you did move him, he would make friends.

Oh bless him. That's so shit he's feeling that way at 8. What about outside of school things? Could you maybe invite some kids round for a play date? And get him in that way?

I know how you feel OP and sorry to hear this. Mine has only ever been invited to one birthday party in yr 2 and that's because I know the mum. He is now 8 - He has friends at school that he plays with but has never had a "best friend" in or out of school. he enjoys the company of slightly older boys who like similar things to him, minecraft, football & boardgames - most in his class like football but not many like the rest so after playing football they don't have much else to talk about. Is your DS quite specific in his likes and dislikes? - I think mine has been like this - so has found it hard when he was younger to understand other children's differing views. I am helping him to work on this and praise his peers if he sees or hears something he likes and politely let them now if he disagrees. I think he also tends to find it hard to join in with a conversation that has already started.

He does take part in out of school activities and that really helps - but again friendships don't develop further than this.
But maybe it's also part of our personality - I am quite reserved and although I do the hello how are you's etc etc. I find it hard to make deeper friendships with parents as they are either relatively young in comparism to me or we are from very different social backgrounds.
e.g. I am a, working class, single parent and they are not. Maybe he has that trait from me :-)

Thanks all, very comforting to hear. He does socialise and take part in activities in and out of school, football at the weekends with friends from his class which he enjoys, but he doesn't have a special or close friend and rarely gets invited anywhere. I am friends with lots of the mums and there is one mum who I think invites DS to her son's party as she feels she has to but I really don't want it to be on that basis. Weird as other mums I am good friends with don't feel the need to invite DS and quite blatantly exclude him but then be v friendly/chatty with me. Dot, DS is quite a strong character with very specific tastes and can be quite loud/jokey. I think he often mucks around/makes jokes to try to get attention and endear himself to others, although it clearly doesn't work. I wouldn't say he is unhappy but I think he is sad that he doesn't have a close friend and I really worry then once he finds out he is not going to these parties he will be upset and wonder why.

It's horrible isn't it, I'm the same position with my DS 7yo in yr3. He said the other day 'I wish I had a friend like x' talking about my DD best friend.
He didn't get invited to any parties last year and he is very aware of it. I've had about 6 kids back for playdates, they seem to get on fine while they're here but only one has invited him back.
I really don't know what the answer is.
Is your school one class per year? I have wondered if moving to a school with bigger year groups might help as with more children there would be a better chance of finding friends with similar interests.

Sorry to hear that Snowpo. Really heartbreaking isn't it? I just try to put it down to people are weird and to try not to become bitter and cynical although I do feel like that on many days. Feel like there is no point being chatty/friendly as it doesn't make any difference. Don't know why people don't reciprocate. We always do. One thing that did occur to me is that DS isn't into video games or playing on the ipad for hours and still really likes just playing, doing lego or football. I noticed several kids who came for play dates last year looked a bit disappointed to find we had no Xbox etc. Maybe that is. He is at a big school (4 forms) but doesn't seem to help although he is friends with a couple of older boys.

Best of luck with it - so hard. What can we do but love them and tell them they are wonderful? xx

So much for my theory that a bigger school might help then, 4 forms is about as big as it gets!
I was nearly in tears at the school disco. DS wondered around looking completely lost while all the other boys were messing around having a laugh. One boy was lovely and kept asking if he wanted to join them but DS obviously just doesn't fit in.
Mine doesn't like football at all which I don't think helps him. But similar he will spend hours with his lego, playmobil or hotwheels.
Yes lots of hugs and reassurance at home. I've had a read through a few similar threads and quite a few people have said that they found things improved at secondary - its just seems such a long way off.

My ds had this last year. He is in year 5 now. I think for him he is very mature for his age, does get on better with older boys. He also plays differently to a lot of the boys in his year. He is particularly uninterested in football, which seems to be the game of choice.

I have encouraged a sport he is good at and enjoys. He has represented the school and that really helped. He has one fairly close friend and then we are widening the group slowly through joining the local cub pack. Building his confidence.

It's hard. Year 4 seems to be a year of sorting out friendships. Good luck!