Late 56 times since September

[TrappedNerve]

Hi , very embarassed to put the title of the thread up.

Dd is in reception and has always been an amazing sleeper, went to afternoon nursery and is generally hard work waking up.

I'm super organised, have everything ready, down to socks and underwear being laid out and I get up around 5.30.

The problem is whatever time I try and get her up it's a nightmare, she cries and says she's tired and I have to physically carry her out of bed in the end.

I have a chronic illness which means I'm in a lot of pain and struggle with this. My ds is 13 and has asd and I have stupidly done way too much for him of a morning, he's completely and utterly reliant on me to dress him etc as he struggles with his uniform but then does PE in school twice a week and manages fine.

So the problem is quite clear, I need to firstly stop doing so much for ds as he's been mollycoddled for so long as was an only child for 8 yrs until I had dd. I accept that is all my fault.

So what can I do for September?
I had a meeting with the head and the attendance officer from the council this week and it was awful, mentioned fines etc but it made me feel like such a bad mum.

When I say 56 lates were usually the ones running through the gate as dd classroom door closes so it's not chronically late but enough to flag up the problem.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far :)

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

IMO she's too young for an ipad altogether, let alone using it in her room. Mine are 11 and going on 9 and get 30 mins each a day (was 45 but they abused it by trying to sneakily extend etc) on a shared laptop in the living room. It only gets taken into their room in very specific occasional circumstances, and never ever left there overnight. They are rather obsessed with 'computer time', which is why we have to be the parents, set limits and direct to other activities. We allow a controlled blow-out (under supervision!) on Friday eves - if no other plans. Neither of mine were having screen time, beyond very gentle children's stuff on DVD/youtube a couple of times a week, at 4'/5.

It sounds a bit as if you struggle to 'be the parent' and impose unwanted changes on your dc (and I can see your 13yo needs to be helped due to his SN but, as he can manage at school, prob needs you to initiate working towards being more independent at home). If you hate your dd having the ipad, don't allow it - it's not a law of nature that she has it just because it came free with a phone.

[EarthboundMisfit]

An iPad screen stops your body from winding down to sleep in the normal way. I'd say no iPad after tea on school nights.

And yes to shifting everything in your routine ten minutes earlier. Ten minutes won't make a difference to how fussy she is, just give you more time to deal with it.

Does she have blackout blinds? If so, I'd go in when you get up and open them so the sunrise wakes her.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Sounds like you get up in time and leave yourself a lot of time to do everything. This might sound a bit off but do you have issues yourself like dyspraxia? With dyspraxia managing time is often very difficult. I know you have a lot to do but if you find it difficult to organise that time you may have some difficulty yourself. Its a huge pressure trying to pull it all together if you have. Do the school know you have physical problems?

[idontlikealdi]

Te biggest issue is IMO the screen. Dt1 nearly 5 was getting obsessive over watching you tube craft demos. She is now allowed an hour on Saturday and an hour on Sunday. That's it, no negotiation.

[CocktailQueen]

You have the summer holidays for your ds to practise getting dressed. If he can do it for PE, then that's great.

With dd, I'd remove ALL electronics and iPad etc and try to wean her off them as much as possible. They're addictive and lead to crappy behaviour and sleep problems. In the hols I'd limit iPad to the morning, and try to get dd interested in other things to take her mind off it.

And why not imagine that school starts 10 mins earlier than it does? Well done for tackling the problem.

[user789653241]

It may sound weird, but at my house, we set all the clocks 5 minutes forward. I know in my mind, it's 5 minutes early, but act as if it's the right time. I can't remember when we started it, but we are never late for anything.

I won't allow my ds to use laptop or ipad upstairs. He need to use it in my presence.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

If she is a bright girl the other tactic I would look at having talked to school about it is if you won't dress you go to school in your PJs, and carry it through. One occasion of going to school in PJs was enough for my DD.
Start the new rules over the summer when you have time to stock with it.

[MilkRunningOutAgain]

I found having lots of conversations with my DS about how grown ups got themselves dressed and how he needed to start thinking about doing it himself as he was growing up. And then we agreed a timetable, every 2 weeks he started doing one extra thing himself. DS was probably about 11 when we started this and it's been ongoing ever since and he is now 13 and really does nearly all personal grooming himself, showers, dresses and undresses and puts dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Tbh, it ended up being a lot longer than 2 weeks between him taking on more responsibilities, but on the whole has gone well. I am still putting his clothes out! DS is NT but has been tested for all sorts as he is very eccentric and routine obsessed. But as he gets older he can be reasoned with.

[Misselthwaite]

We use dinnertime plus here on tablets. It means their tablets only work at set times. They also give helpful messages so on weekdays they will work at 7am but close at 7.45am telling them to get dressed. Same happens night. You can even allow some programmes but not others for example DS2 is allowed music when he goes to sleep. Even better its controlled from your mobile so you don't have to touch the tablet. While they don't like the fact that tablet time is limited and controlled by me they don't kick off over it like they would if I ask for them to hand the tablet over.

[FauxFox]

Hi TrappedNerve - not sure about the DD issues but for DS, since he is able to get dressed at school, you might want to try a gradual move towards him doing it at home.

Day 1: Dress him as normal but leave the last item for him to put on himself. Repeat until he puts on final item with no fuss then leave him to do the last two items and so on. Not so daunting for him as going straight to doing it all himself and likely less stressful for you and him. You should be able to get him dressing independently in a few weeks - good luck!

[smellyboot]

All 5 year olds are addicted to iPads if you let them have them.. My 5 and 7 year olds are. Once they get them, they have to be extracted by force. Causes endless arguments. That is normal.
Mine have no screens after 6.30pm and only have it in morning once fully up, dressed, teeth brushed, shoes on and waiting to leave for breakfast club. That can be 30 mins or 5. If they argue when leaving they loose it the next day. Everyone I know has same issues with iPads and tablets. Rules rules rules needed. Useful to enertain them when needed, but a fight to get back off them.
I can't comment on DS as I don't have a child with ASD so can't claim to understand - but he needs to learn to dress himself I would have thought?

[smellyboot]

I also dragged my Dd into school in pjs once. She was 4 and in nursery at school, but she never did it again

[Autumnsky]

OP, I would suggest you set a clear time that you have to get out of the house and go when the time is there no matter what you haven't finished. And plan the time that you DD have to get up, then wake her 5 or 10 minutes earlier, make sure she is awaken, let her stay on bed for a few minutes and then call her up finally. For some children, they always feel tired before they get up and move around. My DS2 always want extra 5 minutes to stay on bed( I am the same myself, I used to have 2 alarm o'clock set up). I just wake him up and talk to him and then leave him. And then get him up firmly.

[ChameleonCircuit]

There's an app called OurPact that (I think) simply stops the iPad working once a set limit is reached. Alternatively you just take it away and ignore the eruption. (Said sympathetically as the parent of an iPad lover)

[twinkle1010]

I had lots of success with changing the time on the ipad to a later one when my DD was younger. For example, it would say 7pm instead of 6 I would then pretend I was being extra kind by offering to let her stay up 'later' and read (either with me or by herself) She ended up being tricked into going to bed at the right time, nice and chilled after reading.

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

I am amazed the school has only just raised it with you to be honest but that is beside the point.

We have no gadgets in bedrooms, a CD player to listen to calming music or story CDs but nothing else. I have one who doesn't need sleep so she goes to bed later but she has to be in her room and quiet/relaxing from 8 (she is 8) and one a bit younger who needs more sleep so settles down earlier.

we allow TV, tablet or whatever downstairs until 7 and then upstairs, bath, stories, reading their reading book, if not as many stories then colouring or whatever in their rooms or a bit of playing and then bed.

Draw up a little timetable for bedtime and a timetable for the morning, get her to decorate it with stickers and start being really firm with her.

[icklekid]

Slightly different tact...take ipad away at night but if shes ready for school in time she can watch 1 craft tutorial before you have to leave? You would have to be strict to just one so your not late though obviously! Definitely worth investing over summer in ds getting himself dressed when there isn't the time pressure.

At my school we have lateness issues- doors are open for 10mins so have a window for parents to arrive/drop off. I will always remember conversation with parent who was adamant if we could just leave open for 5 more minutes her ds would never be late. I tried to suggest she work on start of school day being when doors open not shut then they would have 10mins leave way but she really couldn't get her head around it...

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

My kids don't have tablets or gaming in the week as they easily become addicted to screen time.
Youll have a few days of tears but set up activities for your dd so she has something to do and she'll get used to it.

I've got a friend who's a teacher and she says you always know the kids who have too much iPad and Xbox time. They're usually tired and have poor concentration.

[lougle]

With the getting dressed, I think back-chaining would work best for your DS. So you do everything except socks and shoes. Then do everything except socks, shoes and jumper. And so on, until he's doing everything himself.

[Idliketobeabutterfly]

I'm another person who is wondering what time bedtime is as did sounds overtired. 56 lates is almost one and a half a week (3 times in two weeks) as school is about 38 weeks a year, which is a lot.
I'd review bedtime and the bedtime routine and tablet use.

[Cleo1303]

I agree with you, Hetero. DD used a shared laptop in the sitting room until she was 11 - 30 minutes a day during the week and an hour at the weekends. She got an iPod for her 11th birthday and her first basic £10 phone when she started secondary school. The only thing she had prior to that was a Nintendo DS.

I just find it astonishing that five year olds are given iPads and allowed unlimited time on them. It's bad for their eyes and it's bad for their brains.

[paxamdays]

Get rid of the iPad! My DS 6 now only gets to play on it at the weekend and he has one full charge, when the battery goes it's away until the next weekend (it's played on intermittently over the weekend, not constant until the battery goes!)

Before this he played on it whenever and his behaviour and attention became terrible so it had to go!

[TrappedNerve]

Thank you all so much for your input and advice.

Dd has an amazing new camper van bed with a desk for homework and seating area for reading.
It only took 10 hours to assemble yesterday!
She has been told of the new rules, iPad restricted to half an hour per day and reading and homework to be done before anything else.

After taking a closer look at my routine i have realised I need to make some changes. It's hard to admit your failings but am so determined for things to be different come September and both dc break up this week and I'm imposing more structure, routine and rules.

Dd got her report on Friday, it was excellent apart from lates so it's something that has been given as a target for year one.

I think acknowledging mistakes and trying to rectify them is the way to go.
I've been really hard on myself these last few days but am feeling much more positive!

Sorry for essay, I never thought an iPad could cause so much trouble :(

[SharonfromEON]

Can I say Well done OP..We all as parents we sometimes have to step back and figure out how to make what isn't working work...You have done that...So long as you take another look and make sure it is working then you have done all that is expected...It is a shame the school didn't speak to you earlier...

[Artandco]

A 5 year old doesn't actually need 12 hrs sleep. The whole 7pm-7am was made up by Gina ford.

The NHS says

5 years old -11 hrs
6 years old- 10hrs 45mins

So a child could still happily go to bed at 8.30pm and wake 7.30am for school, and get all the recommended hours of sleep in.

7pm bedtime is unrealistic for many as many people only just home and eating then.

The iPad is defiantley the issue here. Now you have reduced the time, you have 6 weeks to see if she settles quicker.

I have a child just finished reception. He goes to bed at 9pm, is asleep by 9.05pm. Wakes 8am.
I also have a child just finish year 1. If we had 7pm it would be a huge rush to finish both home works with them if they had to be getting ready for bed by 6.30pm, so maybe bare that in mind.