DDs Lazy Attitude - WHat to do school not helping??

[Twinkie1]

I am at the end of mt tether with DD at the moment - everything takes 3 times as long as it should - from geting dressed to eating her dinner and now her school work is suffering and her homeowrk is just not getting done - I can sit their helping her and she sits with the penin her hand just staring at the paper!!

She is not stupid - anything but really - she scores highly in all her tests - her spellings are someof the hardest in the class and she has only got 1 wrong all term!! She started reading Harry Potter over Christmas and although I have to help her with some of the words - its more the meanings than the actual reading of them.

She cam back from XHs at the weekend too tired to even see let alone do her homework so DH sat with her last night to try and do it and gave up afetr 30 minutes because she just didn't care whether it was done or not.

I asked her teacher if she could perhaps keep her in at lunch or play to get her to do it then and was told no because that means she has to stay in and the homeworkis my responsibility to get her to do as she deals with the in class stuff!! Fucking helpful - NOT!!

I told her about DDs attitude and she said she is the same to a degree in class but maybe it is a phase - I asked her to admonish DD and she said she would but ina round about way so she didn;t feel got at - with DD thats not really helpful - the only thing that bothers her is someone else seeing that she is not being perfect - its a huge issue that she doesn;t like her natural father (the arse) to know if she has been naughty or her grandparents but with us she really doesn;t care - I have done rewarding her, grounding her, trying to see if there is another problem which is affecting her - I even shouted in her face (criend afterwards - me not her!!) and got absolutely no response - and I know there is nothing wrong with her as she has not been like this before - its not on going.

Now we get responses like - 'And why do you think you have the right to tell everyone in Sidcup what to do' - bloody well wish I could but I don't and at 6.5yrs its too much - I know she sees me and DH as ogres and gets to do whatever she wants at XHs but I have explained to her that we have DS to think about too and things we have to do at the weekend where at XHs it is all just about her - grandparents and aunties and uncles pandering after everything she wants every minute of the day.

Please someone suggest something to help - I am at the end of my tether with her - tonight she is being stopped from watching the TV and is going to bed early to think about the way she is behaving at the moment because I really have had enough of it!!

I think you're being too harsh on her. She's scoring highly in her tests - what more do you want of her. She's 6.5. So she doesn't do all her homework, so what. She does enough in school all day. Sorry but I think the way you say you are going on at her and punishing her will turn her off completely. I'd say back off a bit and give her a bit of space. She obviously bright to be doing well at school. Give her a chance and don't be on her back all the time. Sorry to sound harsh but I feel a bit sorry for your dd.

TBH i don't really think this is a school issue either...the teacher was right in that the homework is the responsiblity of parents...But I DO think your xh needs to be more involved in this. Perhaps she IS too tired to do the work when she gets back from a weekend with him. Why don't you sort something out with him so that she takes her work with her and she has to do it there before anything else...
He needs to have some of the responsibility too. Sounds like your daughter is really confused and upset, but like pp i think she sounds like school wise she is doing ok.

I have one of these, same gender same age and same attitude, the dawdling is enough to drive me insane. The homework often just doesn't get done on time, I've decided it's not that important at this stage compared to having a happier life for all of us and my relationship with her. The school just does it because "studies show...parental involvement...blah...blah", but you are obviously "involved", do you think ALL the parents toe the line? I bet not.

I just started the reward chart thing again, though IMO it takes more effort on MY part than hers. If she does her "morning list" on her own (brush teeth, get dressed, tidy room for 30 seconds) she gets a sticker, and 10 stickers equals the item she asked me to buy her last weekend. I might give her extra "surprise" bonus stickers for - helping without being asked, completing a part of homework, or because I like something she just did and want her do do more of that-be kind to sister, draw nice picture, speak to me in a non-lippy way.

I think the difficult trick is to watch out for when she does something good, and react to THAT, not the bad, you have to pretend to ignore the bad. good luck! you have my sympathy

Thanks eveyone for your comments - maybe I am being a bit hard on her but she gets plenty of treats and is allowed to do whatever she wants if she tows the line - her school work is suffering at school in general - if hse has to for a test she will put in the effort but on a day to day level she dawdles with her work there too.

But I can't get over the fact that the homework is there to be done and she must do it - what sort of lesson am I teaching her if when she doesn't want to do it I just say OK well never mind. Where do I draw the line - do I ignore her rudeness, allow her to leave her dinner, not go to bed when I ask her - I have rules and I expect them to be followed - she is 6.5 and I am not unreasonable - I let her do and have what she wants but in return I expect her to do her work, get dressed in a reasonable time and do as she is told. I came from a household where the carpet beater was used or the slipper for minor infringements as my stepmonster used to call them so think I am incredibly easy on my children.

As for the school helping out I thought the education of my daughter was a team issue - we would work together not say well thats nothing to do with me - must be wrong there!!

I'll try the reward chart again for a while too - I am taking her out for the day on Saturday just me and her and not DS or DH so we get to spend some quality time doing things that she wants - I will take her as cross as I am am maybe say to her that the slate is clean and from now on we are going to work at this together and try and get throught it.

As for getting XH to help out - last time I sent her homework there she did it in the back of the car on the way home - painting me as a witch who makes her do things works inhis favour - letting her stay up all night works in his favour - she sometimes comes back too tired to even see properly but there is nothing I can do about it!!

Anyway thats about it really maybe I'll let her do what she wants when she gets home and won;t mention any of this and just see how it goes with the reward chart!!

I would agree that education is a team thing, btwn home and parents, but tbh i know that the teachers at my ds's school use break time / lunchtime to prepare more work or grab a bit of food for themselves, they or the la don't really have the chance to sit and monitor a child in class over breaks too....but why dont you have another chat with the teacher, and see if she has any concerns about her work. If it comes to it you may have to arrange a meeting with the teacher and you and your xh to discuss the way forward. Maybe this would make him buck his ideas up and get more involved in your dd education? I do sympathise my ds drives me nuts at the moment, a reward or positive comments seems to equal permission to be naughty....with 2 other lo's i find it very hard to not be constantly on at him. Maybe it is just a phase!

I'm sure you love your dd very much. However, your posts come across like a business arrangement. If she toes the line she'll get a treat. And the lesson you are teaching her when she doesn't want to do the homework is that you are understanding and want to help her. That you love her and she comes first and her feelings count. Maybe not all the time but sometimes doesn't hurt. Do you ever do things together just for fun? We all have times when we are just too tired or not up to something - and isn't it a blessing when someone says that's okay we'll do it later. Apologies if I'm out of order, I'm just going off the tone of your posts (which as we all know often doesn't reflect what we mean to say).

Juule - although you aren't to know I have to say this:

I have "known" Twinkie on MN for many, many years. We haven't conversed in years but I followed her custody battle for her daughter a long time ago.

Her approach to her DD could never ever be described as business-like. Passionate and involved are more appropriate words.

I think she will find that a bit hurtful tbh.

I have a similarly lazy dd (age 6, in year 2) but luckily for her, she comes from 2 similarly lazy parents so I can see where she gets it from .

She used to be so slow eating her lunch that she'd be sat in the hall on her own while the caretaker swept up. She also HATES doing any homework but thankfully, her school doesn't give her much!

We have non-negotiable rules in this house - written homework (which we only get once every few weeks to be done over a weekend) has to be done when we say so or no TV. Spellings (once a week) same rule. BUT we make no fuss. There's no negotiation. It's 'here's your homework, you get on with it' and we leave her to it. If she chooses not to do it, then no TV. I don't think it's worth getting into a massive battle over it.

And you sound a very diligent parent but in a way, I think it's lovely to have such laid back children (even if it can be frustrating at the best of times!!).

Huge apologies - as I said I'm only going off the tone of the posts. Sorry if I've caused any upset. Just felt as though there was quite a bit of pressure on her dd. No, I didn't know the background. Will leave this thread now.

Also, just a thought...sometmes very bright kids are totally switched off by normal work...could this apply to her? They get bored very easily and find nothing challenging in ehat they have to do so just "can't be bothered".....maybe a thought?

No upset Juuuule - like I say, you weren't to know. I just felt that Twinkie might benefit from knowing somebody remembers.

I have a rather laid back 6.5 year old dd. When she doesn't want to do reading or homework, I write that in her school-home book and don't push it. They are very young still.

I do agree with foxinsocks, there are advantages to laid back children, even though it's quite likely my dd will never turn into a competitive high achiever, she's very easy-going to live with.

Thanks dejags - I am actually sitting here in tears - I cannot believe I come across like that - but Juules you don't know me you don't know the horid time I went through to get my DD, the thousands of pounds to make sure she had someone who gave 2 shits about her education bringing her up rather than her father who was so great he fought me for every penny he could get and spent it on a speedboat who thought nothing of slapping me about infront of her even when she as a 2 year old screamed Daddy don't hit mummy - makes me sick!!

And its nothing like a business a business arrangement its school work that has to be done no quibbling - I gave ger Sunday night off and still last night she couldn't be bothered to do it - I am not going to just give in and say oh thats ok because thats not how this family works.

Its funny I bet if I had written about DD 3 years ago I would have had lots of sympathetic posts because people knew me and now I come on here once in a while and am a newbie again!! I definalty think people on here think they can attack newbies and say things to them that they wouldn;t to regular mumsnetters when we should all be afforded the same respect.

Well enough of the rant I am going to get DD now.

TBH twinkie, I don't think juules attacked you at all and she did say that she was going by the tone of your posts which didn't necessarily reflect what you wanted to say.

And it's obvious you love your dd but juules remarks were fair comment based on the bare facts of what you had posted.

I remember you but you can't expect that everyone will remember the background story unfortunately.

sorry, didn't mean to upset you more (if I did). I think it's lovely you are back.

I don't think Juule said anything bad tbf Twinkie, she did say how your post came across, she didn't attack you or say anything nasty imo.

I would back off a bit, maybe sit down with dd and say how important you think homework is etc and that you may have been a bit strict (even if you haven't, make her think you are compromising) and get her to talk about how she feels.

Does she see Exh every weekend? Maybe she wants to be with you a bit more?

I remember your custody battle and hope I don't offend.

xx