DD has been told by her teacher to stay away from her twin sister during breaks/lunch because her sister's friend doesn't like her and keeps hitting/scratching her.

[sandyballs]

I have posted on this before but the situation has got worse. My twin DDs are 5 and in year 1, separate classes. DD1 has a friend who is obsessed with her to put it mildly and is clearly jealous of her relationship with her sister. Whenever DD2 tries to speak or play with DD1 at breaks or lunch this "friend" gets cross and aggressive. Yesterday DD2 ended up with two huge scratches across her face . The teachers' solution is to ban DD2 from playing with her sister and this friend which obviously upsets her. She doesn't see much of her sister in the classroom so likes to catch up at break. She said to me this morning it was putting her off school. She seems to be being punished for this girls' behaviour.

sandyballs, you need to go and talk to the teachers about this. If dd2 was not dd1's sister, I doubt they would let the "friend" get away with that behaviour. I guess they are working on the principle that your dds have plenty of time together outside of school. But I agree with you that this is totally unacceptable as all it will do is reinforce the "friend"'s unreasonable behaviour.

for your dds - no-one needs such a controlling "friend" in their life, particularly at this young age.

I agree with miaou. You need to go and see the teachers and the head teacher. Your DD2 shouldn't be made to feel that she is being punished because this other girl doesn't like her.

It's really not going to help your dd2's self esteem, is it? . I think this needs pointing out to them.

The more I think about this the more annoyed I am ...

What a bizarre way to try and "solve" the problem!

Would definitely speak to the teacher and the head.

Definitely not a good message to send to the "friend" - if she attacks she gets her own way.

I have twin boys also aged 5 and have them in the same class (although going to change that next year for the reasons that you quoted in another thread , i.e one more academic than another and also one relying too much on the other).The boys teacher tries to separate them as much as possible in class and during structured play time when they split into groups. However i would be horrified if she punished one of my boys for someone elses behaviour. Completely the wrong way to go about it. She should be punishing the "friend" for physically attacking your DD and speaking to the friends parents about this

Pure laziness on the teacher's part - easier to deal with your well-behaved dd2 than an aggressive child. I would withdraw both dds until the situation is handled properly.

How does your dd1 feel about her friend treating her sister so badly?

Oh Sandyballs - I'm so sorry this situation isn't improving. I recall you mentioning this before, but it seems to have escalated.

I agree with everything the other replies have said. This is seriously NOT the way to resolve this. I suggest an immediate consulation and take it up to the head teacher if you have to. What on earth is the teacher thinking of?

When I think of the consideration we 'twin' mums give about how to handle twins starting at school and the rather unique dilemmas this may bring, I am shocked to hear of such a heavy handed and (clearly wrong) approach to a problem like this.

Is it possible to see the teacher with your dp/dh too. The fact that there are two people may add weight, and also help you say what needs to be covered.

I say this, because on the one occasion I had to speak to the teacher about a bit of bullying concerning my older daughter a few years back, I was astonished to find myself becoming rather upset once I got in the classroom and had to say the words.

Thanks for all your replies. The school rang me yesterday morning to tell me about this latest scratching incident, and said they would be speaking to the girls mother after school. I am quite friendly with the mother so I rang her to tell her about the situation and I said I would also come with her to meet the teacher. She was very apologetic and quite distraught.

At pick up time the teacher (and DD2's teacher) came over to speak to us. They said that the friend (G), had been sent into the school immediately after the scratching and had been given a red card. She was in time out during a later break as well, so I suppose they are trying to deal with it by punishing her. But then DD2's teacher spoke to her saying she would find her a buddy on Monday and to please stay away from DD1 and G as much as possible. The more I think of it, the more unfair I feel it is. G's mum is also surprised, and feels its punishing DD2.

I will arrange another meetig with the teachers, and possibly the head, but I can't see how they can watch all three of them all the time to prevent scratching/hitting. I do feel for G as she has speech/hearing problems and doesn't seem to have many other friends but I really can't have her hurting my DD2 and preventing DD1 from making other friends, which seems to be happening. She said this morning that she isn't allowed to play with other people because G gets upset .

What do you think the teachers could do so everyone is happy.

Your description 'She said this morning that she isn't allowed to play with other people because G gets upset' rang bells with me.

The problem I mentioned in my previous post, concerning my older daughter (so no twin involved in that instance) was very similar.

A girl was isolating her from everyone else and monopolizing her and not allowing her, sometimes physically, from having other friends. Dd used to say the girl would 'get cross with me' when she tried to play with others. The girl was clearly clinging to my dd because she had not made other friends. I felt sorry about that but my dd was suffering because of it too.

My dd became withdrawn and unhappy. The teacher said she would spilt them in class, but of course it's the playground where it all happens.

They informed the staff supervising at playtimes and my dd was told that if she was unhappy to go directly to one of them and they would deal with it and diffuse the situation. This strategy seemed to be working a bit but just as I felt I might need to up the ante, the girl happened to leave the school anyway, so I can't give a definitive start to end solution to this - although to say dd was relieved is an understatement!

I think the fact that other teachers and dinner-ladies knowing about it gave my dd adults to turn to in the playground who wouldn't dismiss it as a squabble or telling tales.

My dd was always at pains to still play with her friend because she liked her and wanted to be a friend, but the minute her free will was being compromised she knew she could turn to an adult. If irrc the idea was that the girl could play with my dd alongside others and therefore would begin to have the confidence to make other friends of her own.

the logic of some teachers can make you weep.

sounds like the school need to work on helping g develop other friendships for her own esteem. Any chance of your dds finding someone to make it a foursome? Try to think of long term solutions otherwise it may keep rearing its ugly head.

BTW I do think the school is wrong to tell your dd to stay away!

sandyballs, the way the school is (not) dealing with it is bollocks... can the head not sit down and quite sternly explain that she behaving badly? or has that already happened? how does the wee girl explain her behaviour? (sorry if you covered this before on your other thread).
if the mum of the other wee girl is amenable, could she not organise some playdates (urgh, what a word) with other children to try and widen her social circle? she must be worried for her dd, the poor thing, if she has difficulties making friends. it's an awful situation for all of you, i can't imagine dd1 is enjoying seeing her sister getting hurt... how awful.

Just to add - I never did know if they discussed any of this with the girl's parents. I certainly would have wanted to know, and I suspect they did, but the mother and I did not know each other well.

Quite why she left I never knew either. Certainly I hope it wasn't over this, but I think there were probably other reasons which I do not know about. I don't regret saying something though and feel the school took it seriously. I do regret not saying something sooner because I didn't want to steam in un-necessarily. I left it too long trying to be polite. Still you live and learn and dd has always made sure never again to get too sidelined by just one friend.

In your situation Sandy, I do feel your dd2 is being given a raw deal and it sounds like dd1 isn't too happy about it either. It's good that G's mum sounds keen to resolve this too though. You never know, with some guidlines now G can be helped to understand that you can have lots of friends, not just one, and that'll be a great outcome for her and your girls.

I can understand the teacher saying that your DD2 shoudl stay away from this little girl if she is so horrid but to ban her from playing with her sister is just plain wrong.

do you know what is being done about the girl who is behaving so badly? surely they cannot excuse such behaviour just because it happened to her friends twin?

It sounds to me like poor G isn't getting the help and support she needs. I'd try to get her mum involved. Punishing her seems short-sighted if they aren't helping her in other ways.

I feel dreaadfully for your dd1, she must feel very torn and confused.

I spoke to the teacher again this morning and she is now saying that she didn't suggest that DD1 doesn't play with DD2, she merely told DD2 not to play with G. But seeing as G and DD1 are joined at the hip this basically does mean that she can't play with her sister, so I'm still not happy.

I agree with earlier posts suggesting that G isn't getting the help she needs. Her mother is meeting the teacher about that today.

It's just a thought, but maybe you could post about this on the Special Needs topic, asking for help with your dd's friend? Maybe someone there can give advice on what the school should be doing for poor G.

Total cop-out by the teacher. You must be furious. Are you seeing the head?