Does this sound like bullying to you? - I am really worried about dd1 (7)

[Sparkler1]

For the last week or so dd1 (7) has been coming home from school saying that her best friend won't speak to her. Apparently they had a bit of a disagreement at school and now her friend won't speak to her. They have been friends since birth (me and her mum were in same ante-natal classes together). Over the past year at school they have been friends one minute and then not the next - just like typical kids really so I haven't been to worried by it all.
DD has felt quite saddened by it all so two days ago I asked other child's mum if her dd had said anything about them not being friends. She just shrugged it off and said that one calls one a name and the other calls the other one a name etc etc. I thought she had a point and decided to keep a watchful eye and let dd deal with it herself.
Yesterday I picked dd up from school and she told me that they had to sit in a circle at school so she went and sat next to her friend her friend responded by telling another girl in the class "oh no look it's "C" quick move"
When dd told me this I was really hacked off. This other girl will not speak to dd at all now and completely blanks her out whenever she sees her. I noticed this morning that she was talking to other children from the class and putting her back to dd. I didn't realise that 7 year old girls could be so nasty!!! DD told me that at school her friend gives her "snake eyes"?? which I guess means dirty looks??
We got to school this morning and dd wouldn't line up and told me that she hated school - unusual for her. Teacher came along and asked if all okay and I said that dd wasn't happy and was having friend problems. He asked was it at school and I said yes. And that was that - he took dd into school talking on the way. Hopefully, he can sort things out a little.
I wanted to speak to the mum (we have been friends for some time) but I don't want to cause any conflict or interfere too much. Also I don't want to be too overprotective IYKWIM. It's so horrible though seeing other children treating your own child like that.

Oh sparker how heartbreaking for you. I used to have a lot of this sort of thing when I was a child, but hopefully now the school are aware of it it shouldn't happen again? I'm sure your DD will make some much nicer friends soon, I did and they are still my friends now!

Thanks colditz. I have to say that I was surprised by other mum's reaction. If someone had approached me at school and asked I would have tried to find out more and made an effort to help them try and sort things out a little. Guess we are all different though.

It's very, very difficult when these things happen - and they do, regularly, throughout primary school. As you say, it's typical of kids to a certain extent. And it's always difficult to speak to the other mother, even if she's a friend, as she may very well take it personally and you'll both end up feeling bad (can you tell I've been here too?!)

You did the right thing in speaking to the teacher in the first instance, hopefully things will get sorted out just like that (they often do at this age). However, if things are still bad at the end of the day, I think I'd speak to her friend's mum, but think very carefully about a tactful way to approach it, and how you might be able to explain your daughter's feelings without saying "Your DD did this.." type of things - does that make sense? Asking if she thinks that there's a problem between the girls might be a startign point (I nknow you've already tried it, but I'd go there again).

How about getting together over the weekend, maybe even trying to chat to them together, very gently, about what the problem is? It's probably something and nothing and can be sorted out easily once the air is cleared.

Good luck

Sparkler1, this is a common problem with children who have been friends since birth. I'd encourage other friendships so your daughter is not too dependent on that particular one. I'm a bit shocked that the other mum wasn't taking a firm line with her daughter over unacceptable rudeness, but in the end you can't make the children remain friends if one of them doesn't want to be.

They've been friends from birth perhaps more because they were thrown together a lot than because they're really drawn to each other perhaps.

It is difficult for you I know, I really hate this kind of thing. There is so little you can do. I agree with Halgerda, I would invite other girls round, encourage other relationships. Perhaps when your dd is keeping her distance, this girl will turn around and want to be friends again.

Thanks guys. You've made me feel a little better. Just keep wondering how she's getting on today.

yes its absolutely horrible isn't it, you just want to protect them but you can't, they have to deal with it themselves. If I was you, I would not bother with the other mother at all, I would strongly urge my child to play with other children and forget about the other girl. I do this even now to be honest with ds1 aged 5 and in reception. If he ever says someone did not want to play with him I say "that's okay, its good to have a lot of friends, don't worry about them just play with someone else" etc etc. I would encourage her to ignore the other girl, I would stop being friendly with the mother and I would keep an eye on it to make sure it does not escalate. If it did, get right on to the school, they will have them in and start teaching about kindness to others etc.

best of luck, its horrible I know.

Thankyou for your advice. It would be sad to lose friendship with the mum as we have helped each other out in the past for various things.
Am going to see what the teacher says at school pick up. Hopefully it will be something positive.
Both girls go to Brownies together as well and that is tonight. Might need to chat with their Brown Owl and see if she will keep a quiet eye too.

Wow Sparkler, this is almost the same situation as my DD (now 10) has been having. She became friends with a group of 4 girls in Reception. They were always close until about yr 3 when cracks began to appear in their relationship. Things got slightly worse during year 4, and like you say, there was a lot of friends one minute and not the next etc. During year 5, the situation got a bit out of hand, my DD had gained a bit of puppy fat, and these girls as well as ignoring her, whispering about her in a little huddle whilst looking over at her, began to call her fat. They said to one of DD's other friend's (who wasn't involved in the bullying) "you've got a fat friend." And horrible things like that. Only one of the Mothers did I know fairly well, but I wasn't friends with her exactly. The other Mothers I rarely saw, so I dealt with it by going into school and speaking to the class teacher. I had to do this twice, and eventually the parents were brought in. The Mum that I know has never spoken to me again.

DD, now in year 6, has had a few other 'fat' related comments, from boys this time, more recently, and the effect of all this happening over time is that she has been suffering from depression and anxiety, to the extent that she's had thoughts of self harm. We have seen our GP and she has been referred to a Counsellor.

This IS bullying, and is the kind that girls specialise in, verbal nasty comments that eat away at the victims self esteem. I hope your DD's problems at school soon end, and that she doesn't suffer to the extent that my poor girl has. She's had trouble sleeping, tummy aches in the morning (anxiety) feelings of self loathing and uselessness. It is hard to take it up with the parents, but deal with it in the way you feel best, whatever that may be, do get it dealt with, as what starts out as seemingly harmless enough girls falling out, can escalate into bullying issues. Good luck.

Children of that age need to be able to choose their own friends - as do their parents. There's no reason why you can't still be friends with the mother when the children don't get on. The school should deal with the other girl's behaviour at school - if they decide to involve her mother, it's not your problem.

Thanks for your advice everyone.
Outcome of today - they have made friends again. Apparently after registration the teacher allowed dd and her friend to have a chat amongst themselves.
DD told her friend that she feels that they have a misunderstanding between them and she wasn't sure what she had done to make her not be her friend. And that she wanted them to be friends again.
Her friend replied ok and that she didn't know what had been wrong and that maybe she was just having a grumpy day.
So they are friends again.
I have told dd that I am really proud of her and the way that she handled the situation. I told her that I felt she was very sensible. I have also stressed to her the importance of mixing with other children too - in case her bf is off school one day - so she has lots of people to play with.
Thanks to the teacher we have smiles once again - for how long I don't know.

If only we grown ups could sort things out that easily Good for her!

Still, might be worth encouraging her to broaden her horizons as well, takes the pressure off that one friendship.

Glad to hear the news, anyway!

Message withdrawn

There is a brilliant book called queen bees and wanna be's that i'd recommend anyone with a daughter reads, it's brilliant and gave me some great ideas how to handle other parents as well as role plays to help DD deal with this sort of thing.

oh this terrifies me, my dd's are nearly 3 and 16months. I remember it all so well from when i was growing up and having 3 sisters i remember them going through it too.

The approach i took when i was little was to
make more friends, try not to be "needy" / not to give the friend being horrible too much power. sounds silly? i still remember the heartache of audrey not wanting to sit next to me on the bus anymore as i wasn't cool.

sparkler - it sounds like you have a very strong courageous little girl. keep her talking to you.