Is your child 'invisible' in the class?

[Trumpette]

Dc is at primary in Junior part of the school and something he said to me the other day got me thinking about whether he is invisible in the class.

He is well behaved, does what is asked of him and puts his hand up when he feels he has something valuable to say but I notice that routinely the more extrovert/outgoing children or children who struggle more in class seem to be the ones who are noticed and rewarded with certificates, badges, responsible roles etc.

I have seen similar threads on here and I suppose it made me feel a little sad for him. He does not even register who gets the certificate of the week any more. Which tells me he has switched off from the whole thing!

Is this others experience? How do you handle it?

I am loathe to mention it to the teacher as then he will be given the certificate of the week which then makes it meaningless tbh. Although I know other parents who do this (and proudly tell you they have!)

DS2 probably is the same. However, they have the system of house points, so sometimes he earns house points by doing the homework well, so that's something he is keen at the moment. I sometimes feel a bit sad too when he tell me who is the popular boy, but as he seems quite happpy about the school, and have a few best friends, so I don't feel I need to do something.

As for OP, maybe you can have a discussion with the teacher, just to find out how the reward system is, and say your DC is keen to contribute, and what can he do more?

I've always found this at some time or another with both of my children. When DD was in Year 1 it was glaringly obvious that she had been forgotten as she was one of the only children in the class to not have been 'star of the week'. Some had it more than once! She was never in trouble, always completed homework on time etc. She was do down about it and couldn't wait to leave that particular teacher behind. I don't ever bother to say anything - no point.

My ds is the same too!
He is polite, shy, socially awkward child who seems to be forgotten all the time, and he knows it himself, since he says something like he never get to be picked when he put his hands up, or for certain roles, or awards.

Once one of the mum said to me, that I was lucky that my ds is academically able. But I was shouting in my head, "No, you are the lucky one!". Her child is good at everything, most popular child in the year, and get picked for everything.

I am a introvert myself, so I feel bit guilty too. I know it's life, but makes me sad too.

Yes both my dcs are the invisible middle. Well behaved but not extrovert. Both in senior school now and it seems to be worse. Three of Dd1 teachers were amazed at her very good GCSE results, there was no surprise, she has always been intelligent and hard working. They just chose to ignore her.

I'm more concerned with Dd2 but some/most teachers give their energy to the class idiots or high achievers. I have no answers.

Our DC are 20, 18 and 10. I would say that they were all, to a large extent, the good and invisible children when they were at primary.

By secondary, things start to change for the clever and hardworking DC who lead by example. Teachers love those DC and their self-confidence blossoms.

I wonder if DS is this. He is in the middle academically (I think). And i wonder if in his school they focus on those at the top and the bottom more. He never got a speaking part in the Christmas plays - the most confident kids got those. He didn't get picked for the orchestra trials.

He's definitely a 'follower'. But I think some parents are more sharp-elbowed than they let on! One of his friends mums would have you believe school is just a big pain but she's first in registering her DS for clubs and getting the extra reading books etc.

I was thinking of asking his teacher about it at parents meeting.

My dd was invisible and I used to worry that it affected her self esteem as although she never complained, she gave up volunteering for anything . For several years she never got picked for star of the week until I finally mentioned it to the teacher. She got the star the following week. I never told my dd that I had spoken to the teacher about it but it made all the difference to my dd. She positively glowed with pride. I feel no guilt in speaking to the teacher and now wish I had fought her corner more. I suspect other parents were more assertive than me.

Well eldest grew in confidence and learnt to put herself forward - and get on radar. No-one is more surprised than us her parents she was so shy and quiet first few years in school.

Unfortunately DH now believes the other DC will follow suit and develop in the same way - so we don't need to be so worried.

I'm not so sure.

It really worked against our DS being quiet and well behaved much more so than the eldest.

I haven't really found any answers. We have helped develop his skill in certain academic area and that's helped put him on radar a bit more but I still worry as he still gets missed.

It's crap isn't it.

My DS gets overlooked and now he actively tries 'not his best' because he doesn't want to go up in front of everyone to get an award. He has spent too long watching 'the show offs' get their awards and doesn't want people to think he is like that.

You can imagine the joyful times in our house after an assembly or whatever when DD gets awards for being a bit of a loud mouthed teachers pet (meant in the nicest possible way, she is a love but she is your stereotypical Noticed Child v DS being the opposite) and DS is older but empty handed and slagging off the system.

I mainly deal with it by moaning on here, praising them for real genuine things they do, and drinking too much

I do agree with the idea that some teachers are worse for this than others.

I've had to deal with this with regard to my own dd and am afraid I have to say, in many cases, it is down to poor classroom management by the teacher.

"To see certain students given a level of attention you know is never reserved for you can be a blow to your self-confidence—particularly if you have a shy personality. Yes, kids are resilient, and we’ve all experienced hard lessons that make us better people. But favoritism can be especially hurtful, making students less trusting, less inclined to participate, and less willing to take healthy social chances."
www.smartclassroommanagement.com/2011/10/29/teacher-favoritism-is-bad-for-classroom-management/

If you think your children are being consistently overlooked and they are unhappy about that fact, then I think you owe it to them to try to do something about it.

I raised the issue of my dd being "invisible" with, first, her form teacher and later the head teacher. To cut a long story short, we were told that she would just have to accept that she wasn't as "amazing" as some of the other children in the class. We left that school sharpish and now she is much, much happier. I would imagine, however, that the response of most schools/teachers would be to try to put things right. Either way, you don't have to just put up with the situation.

Yes it is glaringly obvious in my sons school. The system we have is terrible. Basically they get points which can be given by any adult in the school for things like being kind, being well behaved, good work etc. So the very top children get them all the time but also the ones who do not behave well seem to get more.
Example they need 30 points to get each badge and it runs from bronze to super platinum or some other daft name. So the children who get everything correct all the time. are very polite, helpful, kind etc are first to get them, fair enough. The along come the ones with behaviour problems who don't have to work as hard to achieve each point. For some turning up on time gets a point (I kid not). Not being rude to an adult for a morning gets a point, doing a piece of work gets a point etc etc.
So the end result is that these kids are getting 2 or 3 points to every one that the middle child gets. You know the ones who turn up on time every day, hand homework in on time and complete every week, wouldn't dream of being rude to an adult and so on. As a parent you see it a the special awards ceremonies where these kids with behaviour issues are up there getting the gold badge long before any of the middle kids are getting the silver or even the bronze one.
I speak from both a parent and a staff member view point. It is shit.

One of the saddest thing happened to my ds, apart from not been selected for "star of the week", was the best teacher he ever had made a comment on his report, " he played active role in the in term..." .
??? He has never been selected for that!

We have class dojos which show those who are rewarded ... normally the naught kids for well just behaving ... the awards are based on effort not achievement which is good.
Some quiet kids get missed, jave been fighting DS corner and his y6 teacher is pulling him up. Peed off last year when his twin DSis got a happy birthday assembly and DS didnt he cried all the way home!

RAINBOW I would argue that actually those with behavioural problems are working twice as hard to earn the points . V worried that as a staff member that is your view.

Yes he is. He's the youngest in the year so the stars of the class are all a year older than him. But he doesn't need any extra help - he's doing pretty well. So neither star nor project....

And like many others mentioned here, he's very well-behaved. So he goes under the radar. Even his good behaviour goes under the radar - last year his school report said that he was "meeting expectations" for behaviour when actually he's an unusually well-behaved child who socialises very well and is polite and thoughtful. He is at home and at school as well and other people make a point of commenting on it. But he doesn't seem to get noticed for that at school. One of the stars of the class got the best behaviour trophy last year and I'm sure she is well behaved but she's also very visible anyway, being one of the stars. So yes, he's invisible (to the point where his school report also called him Edward which is not anywhere near his name!)

I did mention his invisibility to the teacher last year and she said she would engineer a star of the week certificate which she said is what happens anyway so I was happy about that as it would give him a boost. Except she forgot and it never happened

I know I'm not paranoid as I also have a star child (oldest in the class, teachers' pet!) and she wins awards even when she doesn't deserve them (Religious Education trophy from last year for example...)

Yes absolutely! also quiet and a bit low in self-esteem so would never voluntarily go up and speak to the teacher etc. His teacher in Y2 totally scared him as she was very shouty and seemed more into the girls. It changed in Y3 when he had a fantastic teacher who saw all the kids and all of a sudden the focus on the golden book didn't seem to matter anymore!

Ooogetyooo - Did you not read the post or something. The children who are getting a point for turning up at 9.00am then another for getting through a morning without being rude to an adult, then another for doing one piece of work. So that is potentially 3 points by midday. Each of those points carries the same value towards the 30 needed for the badge at the end of that level as every other child. So why should every child not get a point for arriving at school and then another for doing their piece of work etc. Instead it takes the average child in the middle 4 or 5 days to earn 3 points.

Then at assembly we have the head telling all the children that the ones up there getting the badge are what they are supposed to aspire to. These kids in the middle are doing these things anyway and not being rewarded at the same rate.

A better system would be that the children with known behavioural problems work towards a point, so say a book where they have to get 3 stars to get a point. That way they are still being rewarded for the little things that everyone else is doing as the norm without overtaking the children who are consistently well behaved, do their work and are polite etc.

Yep. Dd says things like 'xx got the star learner of the week because he was naughty all last week and sat down at carpet time this week. But I am good all the time but never get it.' Also, from recent open evening I suspect the teacher doesn't really know who she is. I was the same at school. Only a few teachers made the effort to let me know I was doing well, some seemed to take real offence at my shyness.

The system they have at DS1's school seems quite good to me. Every time a child does something worth of praise (e.g. answered a difficult question, was able to solve a problem, wrote a very good piece of work, etc), they get points as marbles. These get collected in a classroom jar, so that by the end of the week when the jar is full the whole classroom gets a special treat (Golden time).

I think it's really nice, because that way all children get the sense that what they do is important, they can all be recognised in different ways, and feel that they all contribute for the whole classroom special treat at the end of the week.

Also, rather than resent that their classmate got two marbles for solving a question that no one else could, they can actually feel happy for them because the recognition of that child will benefit all of them in the end.

Don't have much advice regarding the introverted children except that I was one (still am) myself. I could see that DS1 was definitively like me at the beginning, but then around 4yr old he totally changed and is what I would describe as an uber confident, outgoing, popular child. The kind of child I wished I was at his age. No idea how this happened. Just to say that it can happen, no matter how introverted the parents are.

Yes I worry about this. It seems to be that some teachers are really good at whole class management and thinking of the children as individuals with specific abilities and development needs while others just seem to notice whoever needs most attention. I know it must be hard with a very mixed ability class of 30 but I know it can be done because I've seen it!

In the worst cases I have seen reports for children that show the teacher has made no effort to understand the child at all. Children who were reluctant to participate in show and tell were deemed to be socially awkward or to have learnt absolutely nothing about a topic because they wouldn't tell the class about it "X doesn't know his colours" or "Y does not have any understanding of food groups" (I'm talking 5yos here with evidence to the contrary in their work books). Also several children who were marked as "competent" or "at expected level" for everything despite having previously been assessed as performing at a level above the expected in a previous class or school. In all these cases the teacher was either incompetent (she's now left) or just couldn't be bothered (both still there being lazy/doing the bare minimum).

When the only thing the teacher can tell you about your child is how quiet and well behaved they are and nothing else it is worrying :(

So sad this is happening widely... End of yr 6 awards a small group of parents correctly predicted nearly 100% of the recipient's - sure enough the 'golden' children and the naughty noisy ones all received awards but nothing for the invisible ones. Dd was so sad but said she hadn't expected anything as she wasn't good at anything After lots of hugs she agreed the school didn't 'see' all the things she was good at...
BUT at secondary she is being rewarded with house points and reading awards regularly and is so much happier that her efforts are being recognised. Only PE where she says the teacher doesn't even know her name 2 years in...

Last week was a prime example of this in my house:

Ds does not like public speaking. He much prefers a one-to-one environment. However he would like to participate in Show and Tell. He brings me something he would like show. We have a little practice chat. S&t goes into an envelope ready.

S&T day...
Me: so how was show and tell? Did you do yours?
Ds: no. Some other children did it but I didn't.
Me: oh no, why not? Did you get a bit shy?
Ds: no, we were doing it but then some other children starting being naughty and not listening so they stopped and I didn't get a turn.

Turns out the usual pushy confident children got to go first and then wouldn't behave while the rest did it. So the quiet, patient ones missed out. Aka shit class room management. Again.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was some sort of one to one show and tell/awards/ something for introverted children? DS has got football awards he wanted to show his teachers but didn't want everyone to watch him. So he didn't take them in at all.

Wow, so many replies! It is so sad.

My son has won a couple of things outside of school recently and I asked if he wanted me to tell the school. He did not and did not see why
I should tell them! Like someone else said it felt like showing off to him.

A more experienced teacher would be able to 'bring out' all the kids but they seem so caught up in targets and spreadsheets that they do not seem to make/have time.