Help - My child's North London school is mainly Asian and she is being bullied and excluded

[Roundtheworld]

We recently moved to north London and are having a really hard time finding a decent private school for our daughter. The school she is in, is attended by currently is over 90 percent of Asian children. This has turned out to be a horrible experience for her. The Asian children all have some sibling or relatives in the school. They play only with their siblings or relatives or with other Asian children. When my child tries to play or to speak to them, they are rude, stamping their feet, refusing to be in the least polite and just moving away - the parents don't seem to think the rudeness is anything out of the ordinary. Some of the children pull her hair and push her. The Asian parents are also quite rude and all stick together at the morning and afternoon drop-off discussing inane things (who has the best kitchen, best car, best trips to India, Sri Lanka, etc). This isn't the experience of London I want for my child. My daughter is 4 - can someone PLEASE tell me about some North London private schools that are more diverse and welcoming. I have heard that NLCS is 70% Asian, so that rules that school out for me. I would like a school with a mix of children of MANY races, where teachers and staff actively try to forge compassion, friendship and empathy between the children. The sub-standard staff at my current school are focussed on fees. I understand that this is getting to be quite a big problem in London. Some schools who care mainly about the rankings happily fill their schools with the heavily tutored and rote learned Asian children, but there MUST be some schools that more rounded approach? Sorry to make this so long - I am very disturbed by what is taking place with my daughter.

It depends where you live. We have two local primaries - one is almost 100% white C of E and the other more women cover their head than not and has few white children - so in our area if you go for state schooling you seem to get racial segregation. If you pay school fees you get more of a mixture. Do you have a religion?

Also if you go further out (not sure where you live in London) you will find more white parents.

I have never had a single problem ever in 25 years of my children going to school with Asian children except a bit of a cultural gulf which is not a major issue. No Asian parent has ever been rude to me - although our children got a school coach even at primary level to school andw e both worked fulltime so probably less contact with other parents than housewives have.

90% Asian in NORTH London. I am suspicious, south west/north west or east London maybe. But 90% Asian in NORTH London

Grazia - its not the point of the thread I know, but I wish you would stop referring to "housewives". It is irritating.

You could absolutely get 90% Asian at a private school in North London.

Harrow and nearby has a very high % of Asians. And the private schools near there and Northwood are very Asian.

OP may have phrased it badly, but I don't think she is being intentionally racist.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine's daughter. She went to a private school that was predominantly Asian from the age of 7. All the girls were friends a together. She had two particular friends that she used to spend a lot of time with and the families were very welcoming.

At some point before she was due to move into the secondary school one of the mums took my friend to one side after a playdate and said something like she hadn't minded them being friends until now, but as her DD grows up she doesn't want her mixing with children not from the same background.

She said that other mothers in the school felt the same and sure enough, over the next few weeks the two white little girls in the class were ostracised. It was really sad to see how easily racism passes through the generations. Both girls ended up leaving a few weeks into secondary school. The whole thing was just very sad.

As it happens, the little girl ended up going to a state school that was much more diverse and, as far as I know, is very happy there.

Grazia 1984, we're all Church of England, but most private schools don't really care about your religion. I think I shall just have to drive to find a list of all the private and LEA schools in my area and drive to EVERY single school. This experience has bowled me for six. My Jewish friend told me of a similar experience in her private school a few years ago and I just thought she was being overly sensitive and told her so - she never spoke about it after that but had her son moved. So I am having a bit of payback.

TheTravellingLemon, that makes me so worried. I am an older parent and DD is my only child. She really needs good friends throughout her life. I don't want to leave her in an environment where she becomes a loner through no choice of her own. I apologise if my comments seem racist, I was just trying to be as honest as I feel so people will be able to see exactly where I am coming from.
I am very angry at the what is happening in my DD's school, angry at the teacher's, parents and at the kids who bully her, so this probably influences my thinking right now. I do think that these situations need to be addressed, why is it OK to have certain groups of people behave this way. I want to tell them off and make them change! Why can't there be some type of training in these areas. This isn't good for society - but then again I'm probably old fashioned and will be told that I'm being racist again, so never mind.
TheXxed, you need to visit the private schools in North London if you think this isn't possible.

I think it might be the school that is the problem, rather than the racial/ethnic demographic of the students. DD (who is white) has just started at a secondary school inside the M25 where the majority of the girls are Asian, and we have not had the same experience as you at all. She says all the girls (regardless of race) are friendly, and I have found the parents to be the same. Perhaps you have just been unlucky with that one school? Bullying and exclusion are horrible, and any good school would be dealing with these issues properly.

are you an ONL Annie? High five and a daffodil for you.

As Cactus says it is fairly easy to go where most people are white and still be commutable distance to London and there is a massive issue of white flight actually. It may not matter but it can become self perpetuating. I don't think my son minds being the only white boy in his class at all as he and I see everyone as people, but is clearly an interesting issue to discuss.

My daughter even 10 eyars ago at Haberdashers was one of only 2 girls in the entire year who had 4 English born grandparents. Itg is fascinating and one reason London is almost the capital of the planet at present and doing quite well but it certainly challenging for many people to cope with that change and it's good if they have a place to discuss it.

** TheXxed:
90% Asian in NORTH London. I am suspicious, south west/north west or east London maybe. But 90% Asian in NORTH London **

The OP mentioned NLCS which is in northwest London so I assume that is the area she is talking about covers north brent and Harrow which are predominantly Asian and there are plenty of schools in these areas with over 90% of pupils being from an Asian background.

I agree a private school in NW London could easily be 90 per cent Asian these days.

After that last post, I'm not convinced you are trying to be anything but goady and racist.

On the off chance that you aren't, what have you done already to try and solve the issue.

Thank you Nydj that certainly makes more sense. Honestly OP private schools in LDN attract a huge number of international students so if you want your dd to attend a school without non white people you can go east into Islington or go further out of LDN into herts.

This thread is disheartening and bizarre.

Am I the only one who finds the use of Asian puzzling, as if everyone from that vast continent are like one big clique, South Asians may have little in common with East Asians for example.

Not at all AllPizzas

I also wondered about that. Statistically, these families are likely to be from many different countries and cultures, as well as Britain obviously.

Grazia your daughter went to the same school as me.

Me too pizza.

"some of the children pull her hair and push her"

And what is the school doing about this OP? presumably you have already gone to the school and they are intervening?

CactusAnnie, your diatribe won't hold water with me. My DD is mixed race, her dad's family (English and African Caribbean) have lived in north London for more than three generations, so my DD didn't parachute into anywhere. You went to NLCS and seem to dislike the way I've spoken of it - I don't give an ant's arse if you dislike the way I spoke of the school. My child IS part of London and the life I want for her has nothing to do with being rich - and all to do with her having a comfortable and happy place in this city. If that bothers you, tough, don't deal with people like us. We don't like people like you, we won't miss dealing with people like you and will be glad you're not in our space. But don't think you can tell me I'm lying or to get out of our area - I shall tell you now, you can take your opinion and stuff it up your sphincter.

There are other posters who are also deliberately misreading and twisting my post - deliberately skipping over the part where I said I wanted a mix of MANY races , go right ahead and incite if that meets your aims. The fact remains that my daughter is being mistreated in her majority Asian school. If I am being racist because I think that what these people are doing is wrong, then I'll take the tag and continue to fight all the way for my child. What these people are doing is WRONG - other people are also sharing similar experiences. I shall say it loud and clear - this is WRONG.

AllPizzas, Rafa - the use of the word Asian shouldn't be puzzling. Whether they originate from North India, South India, Bangladesh etc - the word Asian is still used. It would be more unfair to label them South Asians etc, as they are not all from South Asia - but represent a spread. "Goady" my foot, neither of you will say that these people are wrong to treat a four-year old this way (even if you have to add in a caveat of "if this is true" but will attack me for being "goady"). That, to me, says a lot about where your priorities lie.

Pepperpot99, I didn't need to go to the school - they wrote a letter to me explaining that this is happening. They said they are dealing with it "according to their anti-bullying policy." I have yet to see the effectiveness of this. My daughter still comes home with her hair in tatters and refuses to say how it got that way. I am going to see the head about it this week.

It can be more difficult if the majority of the children are of the same cultural background (regardless of race). My dd was in a state school (in the usa) where she was occasionally the only white child in her class, but the class was very very diverse and she was very happy. We then moved her for one year to a private jewish school. All of the children were jewish, but 90% of them were first generation from one particular country (with a strong culture). Dd had a very hard time socially because she (and I) were not included in any of the social events because culturally we didn't fit in. I wouldn't describe what took place as bullying, we just didn't fit in because of our cultural habits. The next year she moved to a different private school (secular) with a very socioeconomically diverse population and was fine again socially.

It's also difficult when your child is only 4 as you don't really know their style of socializing. My dd is now 13 and I know that I could put her pretty much anywhere and she would make friends. I didn't know that about her at 4.

OP, I suspect that if you were to analyze what is happening to your dd, you wouldn't end up calling it bullying, but rather just different cultural norms that may range from unfamiliar to untenable to you.

I second the recommendations to try the LEA and look at local state schools. Even if you move in a few years, it's not going make a difference at that age what school your dd is in and you may know a lot more about her educational/social needs a few years down the line.

Surely the issue is that the school are being very apathetic about the bullying going on in their school, and not the race of the 4-year old perpetrators?

The bullies in your child's class are very young OP. The school should be teaching them right from wrong. The Asian factor is a red herring.