Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

Original poster

Playdate etiquette

18 replies

trice · 28/11/2006 16:37

My ds is just finishing his first term at primary school and is finding it difficult to make friends. He plays on his own in the playground and has yet to have a playdate.

I am not good at making friends myself and have not been able to chat to the other mums at picking up time.

I wanted to ask some of the boys in his class round for tea. What is the best way to approach this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

admylin · 28/11/2006 16:40

Maybe your ds could give the friend he wants to invite a card with a sort of invitation and your phone number on it?

fridayschild · 28/11/2006 21:14

can the teacher suggest some one he seems to get on ok with? or do you have PTA class rep who could put you in touch with a friendly mum?

Original poster

trice · 29/11/2006 11:28

It is a small class with only five other boys. One of them has decided that none of the others should play with him. If he asks to play with them they make him play the baddie so that they can fight him. It really needs to be sorted out.

I am speaking to his teacher this afternoon and have written a note to one of the boys mums asking him for tea.

OP posts:

admylin · 29/11/2006 16:16

trice, did you get a playdate arranged?
My ds is also in a very small class considering we are inner city Berlin. Only 15 kids and 7 are boys including ds so not much choice. Any way hope it all works out for your ds!

miljee · 29/11/2006 20:21

And you'll win some and lose some! The idea about asking the teacher is a good one- my elder DS's teacher's assistant was right on the money- she suggested the boy who is now my DS's (7.5 now) "bestest friend ever" after a disastrous first choice on his part. Kids do seem to behave very differently within school than out of it, the bits WE see! With my younger DS (5.5)it's been trickier. There are 11 boys in his class and we've had practically a different boy every week home! Of the 'chosen' 6 or 7, 2 haven't reciprocated which annoys me- I wouldn't let DS2 go to a play date if I wasn't going to return the favour unless the play date was a complete disaster- that's rude. And please don't worry about the apparent inability to make friends so early- SO many of the apparently glued together reception friendships you may witness are purely the mums 'enforcing' that because they get on and want their boys to get on, but when it comes down to it, try as you might, you can suggest, encourage, carefully steer etc, but at the end of the day, it's up to them to make friends and we have a lot less influence over whom they pick than we like. And I SO speak from experience!!

dinny · 29/11/2006 20:28

is he unhappy, Trice? hope you get it sorted out with teacher , but agree with Milje that they'll just form their own friendships, regardless of playdates parents arrange..... My dd's in reception and hasn't got a special friend but think she's sitll finding her feet after her best friend left at half-term. maybe see how things are after the Xmas holidays?

Original poster

trice · 02/12/2006 08:29

The teacher had a chat with the class, she told them that they are like a box of bicuits, all different but nice in different ways. I am not sure that this sunk in as ds has announced he is a bourbon.

I put notes in three of the boys bags on wednesday but not one mother has called me back yet

I have signed ds up with some after school classes so I hope he manages to make a friend there.

OP posts:

Original poster

trice · 02/12/2006 08:30

Thanks for your suggestions.

OP posts:

dinny · 02/12/2006 15:21

Truce, can't believe no-one has called you back, that's shocking. Maybe they will call next week. If they don't, don't worry, your ds and you will make some good friends in time.

foxtrottothefestivegrotto · 02/12/2006 15:50

don't worry, looking for notes in bookbags is
a habit most of us reception mums are still learning!

JollyOldSaintNikkielas · 02/12/2006 19:28

If they are like me they are prob quite busy atm (do they have older kids?/work?) I feel asthough I am meeting myself coming back atm.
LOL at the Bourbon biscuit though!

wheresthehamster · 02/12/2006 22:14

Did you actually put the notes in the bags?

If it was your son or the teacher they might not have remembered to do it.

snowydelight · 03/12/2006 12:16

Bookbags are like bottomless pits, if nobody calls you I wouldn't automatically assume that they had even got the note. Approaching the parents with a "I wonder did you get my note, I know how things get lost in bookbags" approach is perfectly reasonable in my opinion, and at least it gives you an easy opening into a conversation. TBH it might be best suggesting something over the holidays or after Christmas at this stage; any attempt to make me commit to ANYTHING after school between now and Christmas would probably lead to an automatic no, but for no other reason than that it's an incredibly busy time of year, it wouldn't mean never.

queenceleste · 05/12/2006 12:05

I sympathise loads with you Trice, and thought there is loads of good advice here. My ds (yr 1) has just been through a really tough phase of two of his friends ganging up on him in the playground. Working with the teacher has been pretty successful - she's somehow managed to knock it on the head. But I've found it hard to believe how mean some quite young children can be.

I've also been shy of making playdates at times in the past because I've felt shy myself. But if you can force yourself to be extrovert on occasion it will really pay off for your ds! I think a direct approach to a mother is better than a note, some people might find a note a bit impersonal maybe?

Also does your ds's school welcome parental help in the classroom? Helping in the class gives you an excuse to say hello to the other children as they go in - all good grounding for getting closer to the mother. Or could you be free to help on the school outing? I got a lot closer to a few mothers by going on the last two school outings.

All the best.

Original poster

trice · 05/12/2006 12:50

I am going to the nativity play this afternoon and am going to be terribly extrovert. I am going to target one of the mums and pin her down so she will have to say yes to me out of politeness .I am such a chicken to give in to my social phobia.

OP posts:

queenceleste · 05/12/2006 13:02

Trice, I hope I wasn't insensitive in my post - social phobia and I are old friends. I've found being socially confident as a mother really really hard and that's despite being a massive extrovert in my normal life - it's so odd. I think that once I became a mum, all these playdate things seemed so important and I was always so self-conscious about my home and all these mums seemed to be turbo homemaking housebeautiful superwomen and I was so floored by them! Also it was suddenly so important that I succeeded at this or it would harm him - altogether a quite loaded situation! I'm new to my area and had hardly any friends here when we moved - and I was also really lonely, down, regretted moving and couldn't get out of that for a long time.

People who have kids with an exising network around them are so lucky, particularly people with family nearby/available.

I always approach other mums by being friendly and casual and saying my ds would love your ds/dd to come and play - would that be ok? is there a good day for you? And check the response. It's worth persisting - I think that some people are very busy hiding shyness too!
All the best sorry for long post

Original poster

trice · 05/12/2006 15:22

I managed to get a "maybe after christmas" response, which is a step in the right direction.

Ds managed to be the one up on stage scratching his nether regions and will no doubt be appearing on some funny video show shortly.

OP posts:

queenceleste · 05/12/2006 18:07

good work Trice and my ds loses his hands down his trousers ALL the time at the moment......
All the best

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread