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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

ds 4.5yrs crying when left at school - I hate walking away

12 replies

elleMNOP · 27/11/2006 12:06

He started reception in September and has been fine with being left until now. Last week was dreadful, he cried every morning and on one day had to be held back by a teacher when he tried to run screaming after me.
It has been very difficult trying to identify what the problem is, he can't (or maybe won't)tell me why he gets so upset. I thought it was problems with a friend but have ruled that out. At the end of the week he did say that he doesn't like going to his old nursery after school on the days when I can't pick him up at 3.30pm but that doesn't explain why he cries on the mornings when I can pick him up in the afternoon.
I have made plans to move him to an after school club after the xmas holidays. There will be older children there and he seems to be happy with this idea.
However, we have to get through the next 4 weeks and I just don't know how best to deal with the crying in the morning. Today I just walked away from him, he was standing at the door sobbing and I just turned my back and walked away . I did this because last week I kept turning around and going back to him which just seemed to make things worse and string out the agony for all concerned.
I have tried everything from hugging and reassurance to getting stern with him to setting up a reward system where he gets a star for every day he doesn't cry. We made the star chart at the weekend and he was very excited about getting his first star today but of course he cried and will probably feel even worse because he knows that now he won't get a star which makes me feel like shit because the star chart instead of being a positive thing will just make him feel like a failure or something. God I'm rambling.
Any ideas? Is it best to walk way from a crying ds? Was the star chart a kak idea? Will ds ever be happy at school again? Tune in for he next neurotic episode ........... or, preferably, give me some advice.

ps. his teacher's seem totally nonplussed by any of this and look at me as though I was a loony for even worrying about it?

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joelallie · 27/11/2006 14:33

ellemnop - I had this with my eldest - for 2.5 years! He didn't really get over it until halfway through yr2. Awful . I really sympathise. I don't think it had anything to do with him not liking anything TBH - DS#1 enjoyed school and had friends etc. I think that it's a learned response - he got themselves so worked up in advance that he couldn't stop himself. He also remembered the pervious mornings when he felt so bad. In the end I got the teacher on-side and she took him into the classroom early - to do his 'job' - cleaning the board, giving out books - and he stayed there while the bell rang and all the others kids trooped in. He was distracted and the trigger moment when the bell rang was avoided. It wasn't full proof but it made life easier and he did eventually get over it on his own.

Good luck.

Original poster

elleMNOP · 27/11/2006 14:38

2.5 years - omigod joelallie . i feel like hitting the valium and it's only been a week. i guess i'm just going to have ride it out and pray that it doesn't last too long. Good that the your ds's teacher was so helpful - i don't know that ds's teacher's think it's that big a deal at the moment which in a way is reassuring

OP posts:

puddle · 27/11/2006 14:45

Sympathies. My ds did this but only lasted three weeks or so (felt a lot longer). I had teaching assistants peeling him off me every day and I used to head of out of the playground almost crying myself.

is he fine once he's settled?

Original poster

elleMNOP · 27/11/2006 14:58

yes puddle, he is fine once I've gone. He goes willingly to school in the morning and otherwise seems to really like being there. I guess it's just for my benefit although dh will be taking him to school on Friday so we'll see how that pans out.

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puddle · 27/11/2006 15:20

I reckon that it's a phase then and you've just got to ride it out. We didn't go for rewards or stickers or anything - I just was very calm about it, explained that he had to go, I wasn't allowed to stay and it was a shame he got so upset because he couldn't chat to his friends before register. I also got his lovely teacher to distract him as much as possible when I handed him over.

sandyballs · 27/11/2006 15:30

Big sympathies, I had this last year in reception with one of my twins and it is heart wrenching. I do think it is best if you walk away, although it seems harsh. I felt that hanging around just prolonged her agony and I was reassured by the teacher that she soon settled once I had gone.

I also felt that she'd never be happy at school and never settle and it did go on for quite a while, probably spring time. I dreaded the long summer holiday, fearing that she'd never want to go back into year 1 but it couldn't have been more different. She ran in and didn't look back and she's been the same ever since.

Best of luck, it is a phase

puddle · 27/11/2006 15:31

The other thing of course is that he'll be tired - end of first term, excitement of christmas, dark winter evenings - it's the worst time of year, even for my ds who's now a big year 2 boy.

You may find it all settled again after Xmas.

Original poster

elleMNOP · 28/11/2006 13:20

Thank you puddle and sandyballs. This morning was even worse than usual but I still walked away as quickly as I could. There is nothing else to do but ride it out, the teacher's and assistants don't seem to think it's anything to worry about so I'll try not to worry too much either.

Thanks for your responses.

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Orinoco · 28/11/2006 21:46

Message withdrawn

sandyballs · 30/11/2006 10:23

Ahh, just remembered something else, when you talked about the scrum . It helped my DD enormously to be early and to be left in the classroom when there weren't many kids there. It gets very manic later on and she found that quite daunting to arrive when it was like that. Worth a try maybe?

Original poster

elleMNOP · 30/11/2006 19:55

Thank you Orinoco and Sandyballs for posting. Handing ds over to an adult has (fingers crossed) done the trick!. Yesterday and today I took ds into school as usual and when I was ready to leave I took him over to his favourite TA, put his hand in hers said "bye bye" and gone to work. Not a tear in site. PHEW!

He still didn't want me to go and looked very forlorn but WOW what an improvement. It has really cheered me up.

Thank you all so much for your ideas and support. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this will continue.

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mysonsmummy · 03/12/2006 00:10

when my friends dd was in reception last year she made such a fuss that she had to start going in at 9.10 through the office and into the classroom after all other kids had settled. my ds is now in this class and it must have been really bad as few of kids get upset but never any talk of doing this. i always thought was a shame that it had come to this.

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