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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

How to handle nosy parents?

28 replies

Jasmine12 · 26/08/2015 14:33

My DS is starting year3 in september. He is quite advanced in Maths so we decided to get him a tutor to help reach his potential. Luckily, we found a local tutor who does group tuition - DS was assessed and we decided that he will attend classes with year4 students.

We are friends with a lot of other parents who have children of DS's age (from his nursery days, school friends etc). We meet parents at swimming lessons, football practice, birthday parties and social gathering (common friends, meet ups etc). This tuition thing will come up eventually and ppl will ask LOTs of questions. I find it very difficult to handle such situations, I am quite uncomfortable disuccing where DS is going / what he is doing. I dont want to explain to people why we have a tutor for a child who is already doing well. A lot of parents in that group send kids to Kumon, abacus, mental math lessons etc. I dont ask them questions. I dont want to know.

Can someone please suggest ways to manage nosy parents without being rude?

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Gileswithachainsaw · 26/08/2015 14:35

I think.if they start asking questions they are the rude ones quite frankly so I wouldnt worry about how you sound.

"we felt it would be better fir ds" is all they need to know surely.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 14:37

With the greatest of respect, just chill out.

Your kid is good at maths so he's having some extra tuition

The end.

And if anyone does ask, it doesn't necessarily make them nosy - just curious. Remember, no-one cares about this as much as you so any questions are likely to be idle, parental chit chat.

SavoyCabbage · 26/08/2015 14:51

Just say he likes maths so he wanted to do maths as an after school activity. No doubt some of the parents will see that their child likes art or netball and they will pursue those interests out of school.

Original poster

Jasmine12 · 26/08/2015 14:53

WorraLiberty - I am FED up of questions. Drilling for info. DS stated abacus last year, and immediately, people want to know who the tutor is, where, what time, how much!! We eventually stopped going there since DS didnt like it much, then questions about why he stopped etc.

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Original poster

Jasmine12 · 26/08/2015 14:55

Many mums here have kids going to 11plus classes. How do you keep it confidential? Do you tell your child not to discuss it?

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 26/08/2015 15:22

My DD did 11+ classes. I was only ever asked about it twice, on both occasions by parents looking for recommendations which was fine. I know DD mentioned it to classmates now and then, but that didn't seem to ever translate into nosiness from parents. I didn't try to make a big secret out of it, but people didn't seem very interested.

odyssey2001 · 26/08/2015 15:26

Are you sure they are not just interested?

LilyTucker · 26/08/2015 15:27

All 3 of my have had tutoring,nobody has asked me about it.Why would anybody be interested?

Maybe it's your DC bringing it up,perhaps a quiet word to him.

Scoobydoo8 · 26/08/2015 15:29

Well probably they think your DS is doing so well at Maths BECAUSE of his tutoring - which presumably is helping him stay ahead - so they want the same for their DC, understandably.

Perhaps you can say you don't care to talk about it, but offer the tutor's name if they want to follow it up, if that's ok with tutor. Which they then probably won't.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 15:33

But according to you, these people are your friends and friends discuss things that affect/interest their kids. It's generally not 'confidential' stuff when it's as trivial as a kid having a bit of extra maths coaching

I apologise if I'm missing something here, but really from what you've said, you do seem to be over reacting.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 15:35

Or yes, do what Scoobydoo8 suggests and just give them the tutor's details, if they have questions about how much etc.

MackerelOfFact · 26/08/2015 15:35

If the tutor is good and other parents are looking for a recommendation, why wouldn't you pass on the information if they ask? I don't really understand the problem.

Are you actually just worried that other kids might catch up with him in maths?

zzzzz · 26/08/2015 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Jasmine12 · 26/08/2015 16:17

MackerelOfFact - Nopes, as I said in my other post, their kids GO to tutors - Kumon etc already. Mine is not the only one in the class who does good maths. THere are other kids who do better than him. Tutor - its a choice I made for him becuase he is doing well in maths, its not the other way around.

zzzzz - ashamed of what??

The thing is, the tutor only takes in year4 kids. Upon requesting several times, he reluctantly agreed to assess DS. He requested me to NOT to pass on his number to other year3 parents - he has no time/interest in assessing year3 students and taking them in. Also, he is a very popular tutor in the area. Other parents may also be knowing about him.

OP posts:

Lurkedforever1 · 26/08/2015 17:12

Agree with worra. Dd didn't have a tutor but in school did maths separately to everyone else from y1, sometimes in the same room but as often not. She also does an extra curricular activity that due to exposure and opportunities most don't get at all and if they do then usually only once a week and not from the age she did. I had frequent questions on where/what/how she was doing both that and to a lesser extent maths to get so ahead. People really weren't being nosy or having a dig, it was because they wanted to find out if it was something they could do for their kid too, and I was quite happy to honestly answer. Or it was just conversation, like me saying 'isn't your lucy great at piano/ cricket/ English etc where does she learn? With no intention of signing my dd up, just talking about our kids.

zzzzz · 26/08/2015 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

titchy · 26/08/2015 18:45

So why do you have a tutor then

zzzzz · 26/08/2015 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 26/08/2015 23:50

I have to agree with everyone else. Whilst hanging around with other parents, you tend to quite often chat about things the dc do - often it is wondering if it's something your dc might like to take part in. Sometimes, it's for a younger or older sibling, or for a friend's dc. It's only by you making it secretive that it becomes a mystery.
I don't understand why you are embarrassed / ashamed of it either, tbh. Or, if you aren't then why it's a problem for others to ask questions.

Inkymess · 26/08/2015 23:57

I am always interested in stuff people do with their DC. I ask to order to share experiences. I then think about whether it would be of interest to us. I have no interest in judging people. My DC are ace at some stuff and crap at others. Chill

tricot39 · 27/08/2015 07:51

The best way to avoid questions is to avoid mentioning the tutor. You said the tutoring will eventually come up - so if you stop mentioning it, then so will other people!

amarmai · 27/08/2015 18:47

sounds to me like there is a particularly nosy parent in your group. Not sure how to deal with that politely, but i know some diplomats can.

AnonyMusty · 30/08/2015 02:25

Tuition is often kept very secretive. There are a number of reasons for this:

Parents want to protect their children from the jealous snipes of other parents who they fear will put their successes down to them having a tutor.
Parents often view peers in the same academic year as competitors for school places that they'll be sitting exams for. For these and other reasons, most parents don't speak about their child's tutor other than to their closest friends or family - until they have taken their exam. It sounds like the mothers are quite open about the support they're providing for their children and are naturally interested in what you're doing. You're lucky to have such a nice lot, believe me!

zzzzz · 31/08/2015 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reni2 · 08/09/2015 14:09

It might be nosiness, it might not be. If I hear little Molly is doing four ballet classes a week, I might ask her dad about them, not because I want the ballet tutor or even give a shit, but because I am trying to do polite small talk that is not entirely about the weather. If Molly's dad replies curtly and does not expand I know to go back to the weather.

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