DD 9 year old being excluded

[Luanag]

My DD is very strong minded, some might even call her bossy. Since she was 7 she has been having problems with another girl in her class, who is equally strong minded. My daughter is not a big talker, she's rather deal with any problems herself, while the other child communicates it all to her parents and I first became aware of their issues because her dad went to speak to the teacher. Immediately, we arranged some playdates to try and help them become closer. When dad came to pick her up he commented on my daughter being quite clever, and I started to wonder if the problem was due to some competition between the girls, maybe fuelled by her parents' expectations on her. We arranged a few playdates here and there over the following two years (normally initiated by myself or my daughter), but I gradually became aware that my DD was being excluded by many of the other kids in her class when it came to playdates or birthday parties. Nonetheless, the teachers never seemed to be concerned with her social development and school reports always talk about DD being quite a popular member of the class.

For end of school we've arranged to meet with a couple of friends from DD class, when one of the mothers (who is sort of a friend of mine) was asked by the child's mother if she would take the child also. My friend was very apologetic towards me and I felt like I was missing something because as far as I'm concerned the girls had issues but we never had any issues between parents and I strongly believe that children should handle their own relationships if they can. Also, I don't hold grudges against kids; I don't believe children are bad. So I have no objections with the child coming along. But today my DD came back from school upset. My friend's daughter had told her about the other child's mum asking for her daughter to come
along, and according to my friend's daughter the mother asked if my DD would be there and said in that case her child would not come.
I'm feeling so sad about this whole situation. For a second I think I must be the only sane parent here, but then I wonder if I'm doing enough for my daughter. Am I right that she should learn to handle all this by herself? Or should I stand up to these people on her behalf?
I'm very interested to hear some opinions about this as I'm starting to doubt myself quite strongly.
Thank you!

Girls at that age are notoriously bitchy/ catty, but never helped when parents interfere to a taking sides level. However the other mum has taken that step so only fair you do it for your dd. My first step would be getting in touch with the other mum and seeing if both of you and both dds can sit down and try and get to the bottom of what's been happening.
Dd had a 'friend' that regularly provoked her then ran crying to the teacher, her parents, any adult etc when dd retaliated. Not that dd never went overboard or was blameless but the other girl always started it, even if dd finished it. Her parents regularly believed her tales of dds nastiness, although school were aware of the truth and kept them mainly apart, at which point the girl moved onto others and ended up with no friends or invites because lots of parents noticed the same issue. Then her parents decided dd had instigated group bullying, and I can only assume school set them straight as I never heard anymore, and now they're civil if not friends.
So I can see it from both sides, the child getting unfairly blamed by the one that tells tales, and the child who was in a group excluding one child. However I'd never have stopped dd going somewhere due to her presence which makes me think whatever silly argument they've had the other mums attitude can't be helping.
As schools have broke up you can't get an unbiased opinion from a teacher, but is there another parent who might give you an idea what the issue is too?

I have known bossy kids to be a little over bearing, only play games on their terms, wont compromise etc ... others get fed up of this ... however its a phase that kids go through to the next step of being part of a team and enjoying group activities. Is she an only child? .... FWIW these things are rarely one sided and school may have noticed one off spats and not intervened ... and its esculated to a tit for tat game with other child relaying select information.

You say you don't want to interfere, but you have been pushing these two girls together. This other girl does not want to be friends with your daughter, and that's ok. By this age, they will start to form more specific friendship groups, that's normal, they are rarely going to be best friends with everyone else in a classroom group. Let them have their own friendships, and stop trying to force a friendship that will never happen. As long as there is no bullying going on, then just leave it be.

I arranged some playdates at the request of my daughter. I don't expect her to be friends with everyone

There obviously is something more than you think if the first parent came to you apologetically, even if it's just they rub each other up the wrong way.

It isn't necessarily either girl's fault. However if I knew there was a child going to something that might end up with my dc getting upset or behaving badly, then I would not let her go with another parents. It's one thing me sorting out an issue, it's another thing leaving another parent to sort it out.

I think I woud just leave the girls to it. Back off from these quasi friendships because they are not real friends of yours. I absolutely understsand that this whole thing can be frustrating. My Dd was hardly invited to any parties for years. I think it was mostly the parents who did the inviting and the children were bystanders. In year 6 it all changed and the children invited who they wanted and, because my dd joined the school netball club, they saw her in a different light. I was never, ever, going to be firends with these parents as they were snobs and I preferred people who were down to earth and straightforward. Children wort themselves out if parents back off. Just do your own thing for the holidays.

If you have known for two years that your dd is perceived as bossy, have you done anything about this? Strong minded is fine, being a leader is fine but kids can grow to dislike other children whom they perceive as bossy. Children need to learn the skill of letting others take the lead or making decisions. They need to learn they don't always need to be in charge.

Sounds like your dd and the other girl clash so best to arrange other play dates.

I should have clarified that when I suggested trying to all sit down and work out the cause/ resolution I didn't mean so they could get friendly. More to work out coping methods based on why they did x or y, and why the other did z or k, for the simple fact they couldn't just blank each other in future.

I think you can decide not to talk to other parents. I did. I sat down on my own and decided that it was not worth the competition, the stress, the continual one-upmanship, the living at the correct address, the new cars,the kitchens, the holidays, the university destinations, the jobs of the husbands, it was endless...... I think you can be happier just floating your own boat.

I do agree with the comment that the strong willed child does need to learn how to fit in with others. Mine wanted to be the one makig the running and had to learn that this was not always gong to be the case. There were some friendly children and parents and, as I said above, we did eventually get there. But, not at any price.

I would be asking the apologetic parent what is going on..I tell my Ds if he isn't getting on with someone then go play with someone else.

I would be encouraging DD how to listen to other peoples ideas and opinions and also encourage more positive friendships.

My Experience ( which is only based on one child in one school) the teachers seem to have very little knowledge of the dynamics of the friendships