School gate friendships in grammar school areas

[CookieDoughKid]

If you live in a grammar school catchment, particularly superselective, has your friendships with other school mums been affected or changed?

I live in a 'squeezed middle class' burb and dd may be sitting the 11+ in two years. I guess I just want to prepare myself for any drama. Do the mums keep very schtum on 11+ preparation/tutoring?

Er no .... no drama

You are over thinking this

Only experience by proxy - my siblings lived in grammar school areas. I don't. There are some gobby arseholes who mouth off and others who don't bother with the drama. As for us, some of siblings' kids were tutored others' weren't. Depended largely on ability of child to concentrate. Do what suits your child best.

OP I went to a grammar school. I didn't have any tutoring bar my mum buying me one practice book and saying 'have a look at this'. About 10 tried and two of us got in. Admittedly this was 20 yrs ago and I gather tutoring is now a matter of course which makes me personally sad as it defeats the point and it seems like you need to do it regardless of personal opinion to avoid disadvantaging your kids.
To my knowledge, all the school gate mums were quite aware of their own children's abilities and where we lived there were lots of very good state schools, so it wasn't the be all and end all.

There was hardly any comments about it. In fact I knew kids well enough to predict who would get in. I know that the details about local tutors were guarded by other mums and I found it amusing.

People tend to play their cards very close to their chest.

Try to avoid the topic of secondary schools. If it does come up, never make negative comments about any school. It might turn out that the person you are talking to either went there or has an older child there.

Loads of drama in yr 6 - tears etc (parents). Don't get involved is my advice. Smile, be polite and don't engage with those who are hysterical over it all.

We had some (previously quite close) friends who refused to even tell us who was tutoring their son in case we used them too! The experience of the hall on the day of the Kent test made me so concerned about my sons emotional health if he went to school with this peer group and their really anxious parents that despite passing we are sending him to a non-grammar.

Ah, thanks all. I'm going to try and stay well out of the school gate histrionics!! I'm too concerned about the emotional health and will think carefull. I think there is huge amount of angst about tutoring. My primary school in year 5 have over half of the pupils heavily tutored. Parents are typically doctors/dentists/CEOs/lawyers and high flying career types and a number of parents have been to Oxbridge. Just 60kids in one year but over a half tutored. One the one hand I think it's great my dd gets to mix with and study in a bright cohort. On the other hand competition is fierce. There is no way these parents going to be relaxed about grammar school prep given that they themselves are so used to being in a high pressurred environment/career themselves.

It varies but
you are wise to be aware/on your guard

I don't recognise these scenarios at all. About a dozen children sat the 11+ at our village primary. Most were tutored. It wasn't a huge topic of conversation, and there were no jealously guarded secrets about which tutor people were using. We just got on with it ....and for those of us with children who passed, we were neither braggart nor furtively secretive about it. I suppose we must just be a sensible bunch in these parts (shrugs)

Village primary school here and a lot of support and well wishes for the group of children who took the test. We have done it 4 times now with our four. Only once did we have issues. One mother making barbed comments aboit how we gad tutored ds and how unfair ut was for her who could not afford it. Ds was not tutored for 11+ i suspect it was more the mother having higher expectations of her child than what child was capable off. With dd 2 only 1 child passed and all i experienced was how pleased we all were for him as it was well deserved.

I think people are very guarded about tutoring around here.

No drama here either, even if the parents had tried to be covert, the children are all very open about who is/isn't sitting the exam and who is their tutor.
No bragging over who passed/failed either.
Well not that I have heard.

No school gate nastiness at ours. Maybe half the children are doing exams, all of these have tutors and some do more extra work than others. If anything I think there's a 'we're all in this together' camaraderie among the parents.

What I am dreading is when results arrive. The children are used to their very woolly, opaque world of no class rankings - all they know is who is on the top group table - so the bluntness of being ranked and given scores will be a shock.

I refused to give ds his score resuly all he needed to know was he had not got enoigh for the superselective. I saw no reason for him to know the score bar to brag about it so didn't tell him (he and one girl were equal high that year) I let him know the summer after year7and at that point he was able to be mature about it and go argh only5points of the super selecrive...still i wouldnt have missed making my friends in my school.
I dont think they need to know their score