Daughter banned from sending letters at school

[jamesscotland]

So, I got a call from the new head teacher this morning saying that the letters that my little 7 year old girl was passing around her school friends where wholly inappropriate and she shouldn’t be passing them around at schooltime.

My little girl wrote three letters for 6 of her friends. One of them talks about a trip to China, another is asking for a sleepover and the third is asking for a play day on Thursday next week.

I wrote a letter to the parents to accompany her letters explaining that although the trip to China is imaginative we would be happy to organise a play day with some of her friends to reward her for her hard work.

My letter has my name, address and telephone number. Which is public domain information as it is on websites all over the world.

Is any of this inappropriate?

I was told I shouldn’t be passing my address out around the school, I shouldn’t be using the school as a medium for arranging events outside of school and should only be speaking to other parents outside of school or via social media.

How do we arrange birthday parties at school then?

I would like people’s opinions please.

Thanks

That seems very odd. Birthday invites are passed out at our school (although many children hand them to the teacher and they get distributed into the appropriate book bags). 7 year olds may even write their own notes - DS is six and has sometimes come home with a note a friend has written during free time etc. I suppose they may have a point about your contact info but it's not as though you're touting a business.

As a teacher myself, that does seem a rather odd reaction!

Have the letters perhaps caused a lot of fuss in class/upset between the other children/parental complaints? clutching at straws here

Some rather over-zealous heads tend to put a blanket ban on anything that has caused them the slightest inconvenience.

The letters sound lovely btw!

It's not the 'norm' for letters and notes to be passed back and forth between young children. Apart from party invitations. How many letters altogether. Sorry if that sounds picky but three letters to six friends could be 18 letters. I suppose the head teacher doesn't want to encourage whole classes passing notes around. That's the only thing I can think of. Not sure I buy into the name and address confidentiality.

Were they in sealed envelopes or were the children messing around with them in class?
None of my children's schools have had a problem with children exchanging letters for parties playdates etc. How else can one communicate when one does not know the other parents?
Is it because a child has been missed out? (Small class?)

It sounds as though the letters have been causing some disruption in the class or playground, charming though they sound. Would the answer be for you to take her letters to school at the end of the day, then let her give them to the recipients to take home with them?

My name and address are used for my business which is all online so public domain info.

There were maybe quite a few letters and she maybe didn't wait until play time.

However, I don't like her accusations of them being inappropriate.

If it causes mess in lessons, yes, but then the teacher most likely just would have said something to the children in question.

As I work I often gave DD letters in Reception to pass to another child as an invitation to a playdate when I never met the mum before.

DD also comes home with various notes they write in free time or wet play and invite each other for trips/dates or make up clubs.

Birthday invitation are only given to the teacher if it is a class party. Otherwise the mum or later the child passes the envelopes around her/himself in the playground.

So that's 18 letters plus one from you to each of the parents? Hmm yeah I wouldn't let my child take all those to school tbh, it dors sound a bit tedious and possibly a bit indulgent. Maybe just one note from you with a few words from her and a picture she'd drawn might have been more appropriate, although going on what the school has said, that wouldn't be appropriate either

That is quite a lot of letters though and school isn't a postal service.

Most schools allow the odd note or birthday invitation but by no means all. Some have a blanket ban due to past incidents or because the school will have taken an active role in distributing something if it turns out to be dodgy and they don't want the fall out.

One of the parents could have complained about the letters or that they shouldn't be given to the children first because of disappointment. Maybe they were causing disruption. Maybe because your business contract details were on them somebody thought it was more advertising etc

Fwiw inappropriate when used in a school context can mean anything unwanted not necessarily something dodgy or weird.

At the end of the day you have no comeback as you have no right to send the letters in. It's only good will that allows it.

Our primary would have had a problem with the passing of notes if it was done noticeably, and it seems this was. In lessons, it's plain disruptive; but even in playtimes it can be devisive.

The school has to think about the well-being of every pupil. If invitations were to the whole class, then they would distribute them into book bags. But if it was not inclusive, then parents were expected to deal with it away from the other children. Catching other parents/carers at the beginning or end of the school day is probably best, if there is no parents' directory or class contact list.

If you think having a class contact list would be a good think, perhaps you could offer to manage one?

Our school is pretty strict about flyers/business advertising (everything has to be approved by the head) - as it has a business address on it perhaps that was an issue.

Thanks everyone.

I can see now that it was too many letters and asking her to only give them out at play time was a big ask. She probably handed them out as soon as she arrived in class.

My business details are not in any of the letters. I just wanted to explain my personal details are in the public domain already.

I think that what upset me most is her use of the word 'inappropriate' when referring to my sending an accompanying letter with my contact details on it.

It makes me feel 'uncomfortable'.

My DD and her friends do this all the time, make cards, write little letters to each other.

IMO (and I presume the teachers) it gets them writing so it's a good thing.

However it's not seen as anything other than a 7 year olds game/play. They bring them into school, hand them out at some point, that's it. I never read them (often get sealed in envelopes and stickered up).

I think it was probably your note in with them that made it "official". Party invites are fine, notes in bags (via teacher) from parent about playdates are fine, but I think letting your dd distribute a general letter with all your personal details crosses a line. They could have been put down, forgotten, and anyone got hold of it. I know you say it's all available on line, but it links you, your child and the school, and does pose a possible risk to the school if someone has all of that information.

I don't think it was necessary to write an accompanying letter. Children do this all the time. If DD gets one I either wait for a parent to approach me to confirm, or check with the parent if it was serious.

I have received notes from other mums regarding play dates. They give me mobile numbers. I've done the same. I feel a bit cheeky doing and tell my ds to make sure no other kids feel left out and to give it when they are speaking alone to the other kid because I fear the same reaction you got.

Still the head is over the top so don't get too upset by it.

I can understand why inappropriate might make your feel uncomfortable but I really think the head meant not suitable rather than untoward.

It has a much wider meaning in school than in the outside world.

I see what you mean. Your thread title made me think 15 year old girl, and... you know! So I can see how if the head used those words to you it would make you feel a bit uncomfortable. I'd put it down to experience!

Frankly, I think it's weird to tell someone it's inappropriate to hand their address and phone number out to people they want to invite to their house... How else are the parents supposed to drop their children off/know where to collect them from?! Sending 4 letters per person, however, is an awful lot of letters! It would have been more appropriate to send brief invite details and leave the imaginative letter delivery for outside of school, as I should imagine that many letters would cause quite a distraction, not to mention risk getting lost before they made it home.