My son is a space cadet - it's official - I (and his teacher) would rather he wasn't

[indignatio]

ds is 4 and a quarter. He started Reception in Sept and is now on his third full week of full time.
My lovely little boy doesn't seem to exist in the evenings - instead I have this whirling dervish. He seems to be constantly doing stuff he is not (and knows he is not) allowed to do.
In the mornings, he is usually great (slow see below but polite, nice and what I remember as my pre school child).
After school we usually have 3 playdates a week and one gym club. He doesn't ever seem physically tired after school, but I wonder if he is mentally tired - does this exist ?

Both at home and school he is often in a world of his own. He often doesn't listen to instructions and wonders around aimlessly. If I get his attention and ask him to do something (eg get dressed)he may move in the direction of his clothes but after 20 seconds will have been distracted by something and will forget what he is supposed to be doing.
At school the teacher asks him to repeat the instruction and he still goes off track.
At home we have tried the timer / rewards / step - but nothing can keep him focused.
(If I say so myself) he is a bright boy and if interested in something can actually be engrossed in it for long periods of time. If not, he needs someone standing over him saying - good, now the right sock - well done, now your trousers etc. As he is an only child, I can do this (although I do find it frustrating) but there is no way the poor teacher/TA can do this for him.
After all that:
1.Why the need to kick against usual rules after school ?
2.Is it possible to be mentally tired and if it is - what can I do about this ?

1. How can I encourage him to concentrate on the task in hand ?

Many thanks if you have waded through all of this

How do I recognise mental tiredness? Tricky. I think it's when you stand back from your child and from your own irritation and realise that she couldn't 'behave' even if she wanted to, that the whole pattern of her behaviour is out of character. I would cut out the gym (too much requirement to follow instructions) and go easy on the playdates for a while and see if it improves things. If it doesn't, play away. If it does, you can slowly re-introduce them as DS gets more used to the school routine and finds the demands of school easier to cope with.

If you think you can swing it, I would cut out the odd day of school. I certainly would have done this with DD1, but our nanny is an ex-teacher and wouldn't countenance it!

Board games he would love, I will incorporate those as well.

I found board games didn't work as DS1 was too stroppy to play properly, but your son might be fine. Definitely worth trying! Good luck and hope you find some things you both enjoy.

I I am a great believer in the occasional Friday off school in the first year. If they're under 5 they don't technically have to be at school anyway - and even if they were supposed to be I can't imagine any teacher objecting to the odd 'duvet day" I was a bit bothered by "homework" - I REALLY don't think Reception children should have homework! They've got quite enough to think about remembering where the loo is and which is their lunchbox and what that bell means and who their friends are to have homework.
Apart from that, I endorse what others have said. Something to eat the minute he gets out of school, 20 minutes letting off steam in the park, then home to a beanbag, a mummy and a pile of stories. Or cbeebies sometimes, but I think (shoot me down in flames!) that computer games are too mentally stimulating for tired children. Just MHO - but based on much observation of my children and others over 10 years.

Thanks curlew - I quite fancy every wednesday off school - break up the week and do something completely different. Not sure if this would mean that he couldn't be in the nativity play though - he wants to be in that as he remembers going from preschool to see the year above do their play when they were in Reception.
I have taken on board - something to eat - we already do the park. I will go for the reading and board games on getting home and will battle with my conscience re playdates.

He loves board games - it is his idea of heaven to be playing one on one with Mum - not trying to seek her attention whilst she makes supper.

I think mental tiredness is a kind of physical tiredness. Whenever I've started a new job I've been absolutely shattered for weeks. All those new things to learn and do and the constant nerve stimulation of everything being unfamiliar. It made me physically tired. School is physically and mentally demanding and tired children do fall apart a bit.

I wouldn't take a regular day off - we just used to take a day here and there, depending on the weather and mood. I would be wary of an"every Wednesday " approach, as you will both come to expect it and it might be difficulat to stop doing it when the time comes!

Good point Bibliophile - I remember being the same
Thanks Curlew - perhaps the regular day would be more for my benefit than ds. I like to plan and organise - so spur of the moment is not usually my thing

This afternoon/eve we have done the park and reading - still had the playdate which was previously arranged. DS still manic for part of the time. The reading was fab for both of us - we have started The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Still not certain whether I should be physically trying to tire him out - he is clearly mentally tired. Also not sure what to do to improve concentration without overloading the poor chap. And jury is still out at this end as to whether to reduce the number of playdates or just their duration. All playmates gone by 6.15 this evening, giving us time for the reading and a quick bath before dh arrived home.

I need help with my playdate obsession - just bumped into someone I hadn't seen for ages and have set up a playdate for next week. If I am going to follow the advice below I am now going to have to cancel the regular playdates for next week.

Why don't you meet the people you'd like to meet over coffee/lunch while the children are at school? I really understand the need to keep in touch with "baby friends" (one of mine has just moved to Cornwall and I an OUTRAGED!)but I reckon 6.15 is too late for such a little person to have a houseful. I try to make sure my 10 year old's friends are away by 6.30 on school nights, or there really isn't time to wind down, have a bath and be peacefully to bed by a reasonable hour.

Sorry - not what you want to hear. Please ignore if necessary!

Curlew - OK not what I want to hear - but perhaps what I need to hear
I do wish Twig was around to defend playdates !

I would feel guilty about meeting up with other mums in the time he wasn't around. That is my time to do something useful - OK the question arises as to why I spend so much of it on Mumsnet

My dd was an absolute pain in the arse for the first half term of school, despite having had 8-4 nursery care since she was a year old!
Really noticed a big improvement as she got into the swing of it
I banned all afterschool activities and only had 1 playdate a week max

Oh and having an early bath is one of my mum's recommended tricks
Even if it's 5pm it does wonders for winding down...

Of his waking day I spend about 4 hours just with my son. He is at school for 6 hours and we usually see/go out with others for 2 hours. That leaves 1 hour when dh is also around.

He is not the sort of child that just likes to "be". I do tend to arrange things as they are what he requests. I appreciate that I am the grownup and so can dictate the structure/or lack of it out of school time and wish to do so for the benefit of my child. Hence starting this thread

all ds wants to do when he gets in from school is sit in front of nick jnr and eat some fruit. not sure why some people think sitting in front of the telly is a bad thing for them sometimes - he loves it and tbh he couldn't manage anything else atm. he cant cope with meeting up and a freidsn once a week. but it wont last forever. i know all i want to do when im tired is sit in front of the telly.

Update
Having considered all the advice, I have cut down the playdates and we have started reading the Chronicles of Narnia for quiet time after school. Board games are a special treat at weekends and drink with high carb snack are waiting for him as he gets out of school.

I spoke to his teacher on Friday after school (as it was the previous Friday she spoke to me re he space cadetness) and the following points arose:

1. She is amazed that he knows as much as he does already. From this I assume that she doesn't appreciate just how much he is taking in when he seems to be away with the fairies.

2.She asked the school SENCO to look at him and the secno just laughed at him. I am in two minds about this. Surely she should have asked me first if she wanted to involve senco verses how proactive she is being to get a quick informal view from an expert. Your thoughts please

3.She left him alone in the classroom today to change for PE as he was so slow - to join the others in the hall when he was ready. I have spoken to ds about this and he was not at all upset by this. Again in two minds - if it works to speed him up - great - verses, that doesn't seem the right thing to do to any child

4.By way of background : The children get a sticker if they have done something good during the day and their name goes on the wall if they have done something naughty. Ds's name has never been on the wall - despite the fact that he clearly tries the teacher's patience to a great extent. However, neither has he received a sticker in the last 4 weeks of school (with the exception of one day when a supply teacher was in). I would estimate that 1/2 to 2/3rds of children each day come out with a sticker. During this Friday chat, the teacher did mention something about ds helping his whole table with a game they were playing. Yet no sticker - perhaps she didn't want the others "helped".

Given that focusing on the task in hand seems to be the problem at school (together with not seeming to listen - although I maintain that a lot goes in) - how should I try to improve his focus at home - obviously without cutting into the chill out time etc

thanks if you have worked your way through all of this.

Shameless bump

Hi, Indignatio,

just had a quick scan of this thread and wanted to ask if your ds went to nursery nbefore he started reception? my dd (4 and 5 months) has just started reception and seems to be ok, but v tired. your description of your ds at school really reminded me of how dd was when she first started at pre-school...v quiet, watching, observing. I think it was her way of handling a situation she found stressful.
tbh I think it sounds like your ds is finding school hard to handle. is is young for the year - many children wouldn't even be on full days until Jan 2007 if they were his/my dd's age. have you thought about asking for half days for a while, to allow him to gain confidence and find his feet?
his manic-ness after school is classic sign of exhaustion - they start school too blooming early in this country!

Thank you McWitch

ds is young for his year. He did do up to 4 three hour sessions per week in Nursery (by the end - to prepare him for school)
He loves school and always says that he has had a fantastic day - it just seems to be that the teacher is not having such a fantastic day with him.
The teacher and I are considering reducing his hours.

I am taking steps to help with the mental tiredness after school.

The main issue now seems to be the lack of focus on the job in hand and the teacher's relationship with ds