Ds (7) is getting a hard time again for playing with a girl

[Psipsina]

This is the second time it's happened, the first time was at his old school, where he became best friends with a little girl who was new.

They were upset when he left and it's taken him since January to find another close friendship, which he has now, but again, the other children are being really mean about it.

He keeps getting 'she's your girlfriend' type comments and all the children are telling him it was someone else who told them to 'pass it on'.

It's so depressing. He told his teacher who spoke to them but they just carried on. It makes him upset and angry, and the little girl is also upset about it. He hates the idea of a 'girlfriend' and I understand this, he just gets on well with the girls and likes to play with her.

This is on top of some Y5 children who keep calling him names.

Is there anything I can do or does he just have to suck it up? Thinking of taking him out and HEing with his older brother tbh. but I don't want to give up on school especially when he has found a nice friend.

Any ideas or experience?

I don't really have any advice, but you have my sympathy.

Dd was teased for having a boy best friend, but she just turned around and said "daddy says boyfriends are for adults, me and x are just friends" and shrugged the whole thing off.

Thank you. Your dd sounds cool, I wish ds could tolerate it so well. I have tried to give him some pointers and said don't let them see that it upsets you, so he is trying that today.

I hope that he doesn't end up being got at for the rest of primary school. He's a bit quiet, confident in himself and will often remain silent when someone says something unkind, but the other kids seem to find this confusing and really don't like him.

I also wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum as I think I am, and he has some obsessional behaviours and his physical movement is a bit unusual.

Not sure how to proceed with that idea, though.

My DD played with 2 boys, 1 in particular in ks1 but got loads of teasing and stopped during yr 3 as a result. She said to me just the other day that she would still play with X if no one teased them. She has found a group of girls she plays with but doesn't really have a best friend, though the constant teasing has stopped. I think it's very sad, X's mum thinks the same, but for the time being at least the name callers have won.

Yes that is so sad isn't it. I'm sorry your dd went through the same.

I spoke to the teacher today and she said she would have another word with them, though ds said they seemed to have forgotten about it today - maybe because he played with some of the boys as well.

I also spoke to the senco about some sort of test for him regarding the autistic traits and she was really helpful. Perhaps that is just another tack to try - he is a bit unusual which probably makes them feel like he isn't 'one of them'.

Thanks for the replies, I'll probably post again if there are any developments

My DD is going through this at the moment, in fact the boy's mum and I just spoke with their teacher this morning! They are both in Yr2. It would be a real shame if it undermined their friendship. DD is very self-conscious and I fear she will withdraw from her friend.

The teacher is going to speak with the class, and keep an eye on things. We also asked her to talk with DD and her friend about ways to handle the teasing, so they know she supports them as well as we do at home.

I would love to know how your son's situation progresses, and what you think has helped / not helped. Best of luck!

This is so sad. My DS is best friends with a girl, they are in year 2 and it doesn't seem to be causing any issues. I do worry that attitudes will change when they are juniors. Also my son has ASD and his friendship with the girl has helped his social skills hugely. Such a shame kids can be so mean.

One of the girls in DS2's class is going through this, she's very good friends with twin boys, and is getting left out of the girl friendships as a result.

It's so sad, but she's a far more sporty girl than the other girl, and enjoys the more active break time activities.

Really don't know how this will play out over time.

DS1 has always been quite popular with the girls, but in his case they were cheerfully claiming him as their 'boyfriend', he had 3 at one point!! (I had their mothers approaching me over the course of a week telling me about their budding romance!) But that was more akin to role playing, and they didn't really spend all that much time together.

You know, I think this is a fundamental problem where children spend a great deal of time together in a fairly crowded fixed peer group, namely school. Relationships are carried out in the public spotlight. When kids are very young that isn't usually a problem, as they just suit themselves and don't care what anybody thinks.

But as they get older and more socially aware, in all of their interactions they have an eye over their shoulder to see whether their conduct is approved by the group. A few children don't try to conform to the expectations of the group: those who are exceptionally brave and socially confident who know they will be popular no matter what they do, those who are very socially naive and don't understand what is expected, and those who aren't group-orientated and simply don't care. Most do conform.

I don't think it works to say "Oh, just ignore them" - that's telling the child to embrace ostracism from the group. If the child is already super-confident he may pull it off, of course, because the others won't turn on a popular child but will instead follow his lead and allow him to redefine the rules.

And I rather doubt there is much a teacher can do either. Adult intervention might work when kids are little, but there comes a point when they value the approval of the other kids above that of the teacher and so the teacher can't change their social rules.

When I was aged nine to eleven, I was in the same class as a neighbour boy. We played often in the neighbourhood. But I avoided him at school; I was barely civil to him. We walked to the bus stop together every day, chatting as we waited for the bus. Then the bus arrived and I stopped talking to him for the day. He was unpopular, and anyway girls and boys weren't "supposed" to play together. Do you know, until recently I never noticed I'd done that. The need to conform and the fear of being picked on ran so deep that this behaviour was quite unconscious in me. As far as I can remember, it never even occurred to me to be friendly to the neighbour boy during school hours.

Sorry to be so pessimistic!

I disagree. We have boys and girls in most classes who gave been best friends since nursery and no one bats an eye. They certainly aren't bullied or excluded in any way.

Where do these attitudes come from? Why aren't they challenged?

On a personal note my best friend since birth is male everyone called us the two Ms ...we were never bullied about it. He is still my best friend.

Oh, I don't mean that boy/girl friendships are universally condemned in schools. The subjects where conformity is required will vary locally. In some schools boys "mustn't" play with girls. In other schools, they mustn't wear fairy outfits, or be afraid of the dark, or use an "In the Night Garden" lunchbox at the age of nine, or be overweight, or have a posh accent.

I am saying that where there is a fixed peer group in which children spend a great deal of their time, when that peer group dictates that certain behaviour is unacceptable, children who fail to conform will suffer consequences.

As for where these attitudes come from, I suppose they come from the existence of a society, and the need to define who is in that society and who is not, who holds social power within it and who doesn't. Spending more time away from that particular group provides a certain immunity from peer disapproval, because kids can simply turn to other groups in which their preferred behaviours don't trigger ostracism. But if you are with the same people for 30 hours a week, it's hard to ignore their disapproval.

If the class teacher doesn't seem to be getting anywhere, you need to talk to the head. This is something they can cover in PSHE. There are lots of resources on the Stonewall website.

Also look on the school website and read their anti-bullying policy.

My 7 year old has always preferred to play with girls, he isn't very boisterous and is one of the youngest in his class so up until recently he still liked to play games rather than football etc. I remember in year 1 he did get some 'she's your girlfriend' comments but I told him to embrace it! Thankfully, it didn't bother him. He has now got a group of mixed friends but he still prefers the company of girls....not sure why, I find most girls are very bossy!

Some people like being bossed. I remember a string of kids zooming through the park, led by my 7yo dd. Her friend remarked cheerfully as he whizzed through behind her, "Girls always know what you should do. And they tell you!" His mum used to ask to borrow my daughter for the afternoon "because my boys want someone to organise them"!