How to talk to parents whose children did not get into school?

[Slugsonmypeasgrr]

We live in a really competitive area for primary schools - in a nutshell our child got in, loads and loads of kids at the school nursery (which doesn't operate a sibling policy) didn't get into reception (which does). I am usually quite good with other kinds of sensitive situations but they don't generally involve me having good news while others have bad. Some parents seem incredibly upset - what would you say?

Don't bring it up yourself. If someone else does and you need to say, just say that you know how lucky you are to have got your child Into the school

Yeah I'm not really focussing on us, but what do you say when they say 'we didn't get in' without sounding like a smug twat? I don't reference myself of course but if you try to be positive about their situation i.e. you can always see about the second round etc that isn't great, if you commiserate it sounds inauthentic. It's the only topic of conversation up and down the waiting line at nursery, parents literally come up to you and ask/volunteer their results... hideous really.

FWIW I feel really cross we are all put in this position - everyone lives about 500 m max from the school!

Then say that. We missed out with our eldest and I always think a "re school situation in this area is ridiculous. It makes me so angry people can't get a place at their local school" type comment is most authentic Stay out of appeals etc - it annoyed me when people used to witter on about appeals and waiting lists whilst knowing very little about how realistic either was!

It's normal for schools not to prioritise children in nursery as it discriminates against people who use day nurseries/nannies/child minders or are at home.

I would probably wish them a high position on the waiting list safe in the knowledge that places won't be known yet so I would hopefully not put a downer on things. Do you know kids at other schools? I know at least 2 other primary schools round here that I would be happy to send my kids to sonI could genuinely wish you well should your child be attending those schools

It probably doesn't help anyone that I wouldn't have chosen the school myself but it was the only one we had a hope of getting into. It's massive and quite regimented and I'd have preferred a smaller one that is a bit further away, but you have to take what you can get round here and I'm also not massively fussed, I think any moderately good school would be fine (comes down to the individual child/teacher/cohort etc). I would NEVER say this in real life so please don't flame me, but it feels good to be able to say it on the internet!

I would say more general things like, "it is such a worry" and "the lack of places is so wrong" rather than anything that could be construed as "I'm alright jack"

I remember this with our school. My Dd's go to a Catholic school and we do go to church. I remember one mum being really vicious as her child didn't get in. She wasn't Catholic but had got her older child in previously. She stood at pick up time from the playgroup ranting and raving about it. Accusing everyone of not really believing but just going to church to get in the school. It was really embarrassing especially for her child.

Secondary school places was another problem. People stopped talking to others as their children had got in to their chosen school.

Sympathetic frown, nod, change subject. All you can do really.

I'd just say something like "that's a shame", I was one of those who did not get a place, when the majority of the nursery kids did and everyone was very nice, supportive and genuinely sympathetic. I did not begrudge them their school place, I just realised the system worked against me, most reasonable people think along these lines. Don't feel too guilty, it's not like you had control over the selection criteria. I'm sure in twelve months things will have worked themselves out.

I would just say that you know you were lucky to get a place and that there are lots who didn't. Also that it's shame that it's a one form intake. I wouldn't reference/big up any second choice schools in the discussion as clearly they weren't your first choice iyswim.

Enderwoman most of the parents have got into a relatively local school that sounds really lovely. It's in a slightly more deprived area but when we were house hunting we really wanted to buy a house that would have been between the school we have got and that one, at the time they both had the same ofsted ratings and I thought there were pros and cons to both and just felt happy we had a chance of a 'good' school that wasn't a 200 m catchment area. As it was our offer didn't get accepted so we ended up literally on the doorstep of our current school.

My husband doesn't even particularly like the house or our immediate area that much but he is a school snob and so happy they got into that school. I feel really mixed because I know from having worked in education research that children's family background is the main indicator of how well they do at school so our children will probably be fine wherever they go as we both have degrees, members of our family are teachers etc so they will know they can achieve whatever they want to. So I'm really relaxed about schools, I just want them to be happy. I also hate that some schools are really 'in' and others 'out' for what looks like no good reason and am sure the default school for those who didn't get into our local school is actually going to be brilliant for the kids and have heard as much from the parents who didn't get into the local.

But most people still seem really unhappy and I respect that because when it's about your kids and their future and all the emotions you have about that you have a right to react any way you want to. Thanks for all the advice! I hope that after May lots of people will have got in through second round.

twins2004 that sounds really hard - I have NOT done that! Only dared ask my closest friends.

My eldest went to the out of catchment school which is normally pretty hard to get into. I knew it offered a catchement siblings, catchment, out of catchment sibling policy and there was a good chance i wouldn't get DD2 in there when i applied for dd1s place, it wouldn't really have been an issue as catchment school is on route to the other school. I applied as dd1 went to the feeder nursery. DD2 was the last child in.

I would have felt uncomfirtable if they done the out of catchment sibling criteria before catchment kids as i know for a fact it would cause problems as the catchments quite small. Also the catchment is on the private estate my catchment svhol feeds from 2 large council estate's.

Anyway my catchment school is now the best school in the town with excellent results, by far better than the rest including my school.

Yes there can be such swings and roundabouts Singing Hinnies - my DSis sent her older kids miles away (countryside) to a 'better' primary than her local and now her little one is coming up to school ages she's in agonies because the local is the one in vogue. Head of our local school is about to retire so who knows what will happen. It's a behemoth of a school so could completely go downhill! I bet the other local school will be flying in a couple of years and may be school of choice. None of which is helpful to a parent currently experiencing real anxieties about their child's education. I recognise that too and it's another thing I would never speculate on with 'real' parents.

oops loads of typos. I don't know if people don't check or just don't relise that some schools take catchment kids before out of catchment siblings so surely when they apply for the out of catchment school but have another child they know there is a good chance they won't get their next child in, its a risk you take when choosing the out of catchment school as well as putting your catchment school as 2nd choice. I certainly knew and understood there was a real chance dd2 wouldn't get in. Had the schools not been in walking distance of each other (about 5 mins apart) i would have probably just applied to the catchment school

singinghinnies - they all did apply to the 'catchment' school just the catchment was only around 200 m so even if you could see the school from your house you weren't guaranteed to get in. It is shit from that point of view if no other. You should be able to go to your nearest school and have it be of acceptable standard. I firmly believe that.

My catchment school really is excellent, they offer so many clubs, results are excellent, they are moving to a bigger site in purpose built state of the art building, I bet some parents are kicking themselves now that they bypassed it. My school went from outstanding to satisfactory and back to good with outstanding features. My catchment school got a new head and he has done good things, this can happen to any school, so much can change over the course of primary years

I wouldn't bleed on about how good or fine or actually brilliant the school they did get is. I got lots of this. If the school was so good they'd be applying there aswell.

It is a very difficult time for those that are disappointed. Our old nursery told us not to discuss it as some parents were so upset. But silence is not good either.

Yes i know i was just saying i think some people don't relise that some schools do catchment before siblings. Yeah it is shit if they are in catchment and didn't get in, did people out of catchment get in with siblings there, depends what way the school it doesn't it

Yes probably they did - there were masses of sibling places and I think there is some anger about that as it's the kind of school people 'camp' next to for first child then move further away for second.

JaniceJoplin I'm really not keen to discuss either, never bring it up. I do know that some offers won't be accepted as people are emigrating and/or going to private schools, but probably best not to mention that either?

Thats what i would have been really worried about if my school done out of catchment siblings before catchment kids, i know it would have caused problems at the nursery as a lot of the kids in catchment their parents went to the school as well. I can see how it ia unfair tbh i think places should go to catchment kids first

Of course unless first child was in catchment then they moved house so out of catchment sibling wouldn't get in. its a minefield

Last year I didn't discuss it unless some one asked. I would just say that yes we had been lucky as we lived very close.