8 year old being left out and bullied at school

[Deena8]

My ds has been going to the same school since he was 3. All good and had a best friend that lives near him in the same class. all was super and easy until another child that we know from outside school joined the class. This child is exposed to inappropriate games and has a bad attitude, I told my child to stay away from him. Any way over the course of the first term the new boy became friends with my sons best friend and they now leave my ds out. During easter break the old best friend wanted to play with my boy so we let them play, I said to them this is good so are you going to play together at school again? This morning first day back at school we went in and they ignored my son, my heart bleeds for him, he said its ok we just play in secret. My normally happy bubbly boy is having his confidence knocked. He has been left out since October and I wonder if we should look to move school, as these are the kids that will be in his class throughout his school career, or is that running away from the problem.

Tough situation but I agree with the other poster, you set your son up for a fall by telling him to keep away from this new boy.
If the school is worth it's salt I'm sure they will make sure this new boy is behaving himself so there isn't really any reason all three can't be friends.... Why are you so against this boy?

I know it's PC these days that all children in primary must be friends but reality is some will get on better with than others. Children have to learn at some point that you can't be friends with everyone and some people won't want to be friends with you.

I don't see any form of bullying from what you say??

I do not see any bullying here. And agree with other posts, you set it up by telling your son to stay away from the other boy.

Thanks for your comments, more background, my ds was coming home asking about topics that the the other child knew from playing grand theft auto, completely inappropriate, I reported it to the teacher. He was also physically violent to my ds and other kids.There were daily upsets so the best advice I thought was to tell him to stay away from that child and find other kids to play with.... I didn't think that was setting him up! Would really appreciate further thoughts and advice.

lots of small boys play GTA and I agree that it is not good.
But 'reporting it to a teacher' - really? Grow up!
If this boy has 'ishoos' I am sure the school are best set up to deal with it.
I still do not understand why you describe this as 'bullying'.

Really SunnyBaudelaire? Do you really think that its OK for a child to disicuss rpe, Prstituion in th playground, would you have not told the teacher? Thats amazing!

Personally I found it amazing just how many playground mums could not just mind their own damn business and were so keen to spread about rumours about stuff they had heard second hand.
Just saying.

They ignored your son; but he's been quite clear that he's not allowed to play with one of them?? That's not bullying.
The former best friend is not allowed to play with both of the others, you've effectively made him choose and he's gone with the new boy. Would you consider it bullying towards the new boy if he'd chosen your ds?

Firstly I would disagree with your conclusion that this is bullying.
I don't think that a parent can force friendships. Obviously your sons friend has moved from being his best friend to a friend. This is probably due to your wanting to exclude the other boy, regardless of how 'right' you thought that decision was and also due to the fact that at their age kids do change friendship groups as their interests expand.
Surely there are other boys in the class and you should maybe be proactive in expanding your sons friendship group.

Whilst I completely sympathise with the OP, I also have to agree with the other posters.....I have seen time and again when parents try to become too involved with their own children's friendships by marching into school to report playground 'chat', and tell their own child to stay away from others.

I have a friend who has done exactly as OP and has, unfortunately alienated herself from most parents in the playground because rather than teach her child, at home, how to deal with friendships and behaviour, she has effectively ruled out her child playing with pretty much all the kids her poor child would like to play with.

No GTA is not acceptable at all, and My 8yo son has also come home and said kids talk about it in the playground. I suspect most of them are just talking about it but very few actually have any idea what The damn game is. But I've taught him that it's a nasty game and we wouldn't even entertain the idea of playing it in our house as its for adults. I've never said to stay away from those talking about it. This alone is enough for DS to realise that it's not nice and he distances himself from the boys that may actually be playing it.

I generally find that if you teach a child right from wrong, nice from nasty, then the child can apply this to real life and work out who is a good friend and who is not. Telling them who to play with, rather than them working it out for themselves, won't set them up to be able to have this important skill later in life. Pulling them out of the school is, in my opinion, complete madness! There will always be the grand theft auto playing child at any school, you'll just be moving your poor child around schools without actually teaching him any life skills whatsoever! Good luck.

Op you were quite happy for this poor boy, new to the school, to be ostracised, so don't come to us all bleeding hearts about your own DS.
I think that is what they call Poetic justice!

Our experience has been boys don't stick with best friends the same way as girls, at least not at 8. Usually boys are very pragmatic and if someone is unavailable to play with they just move on to someone else with no hard feelings.

I would be talking to the teacher about why he hasn't made new friends / moved on and what the school can do to help with that. If there are other children who like your child you could then encourage that by play dates, having them sit next to each other at school etc. Or he could do out of school activities and meet different children there. Or some schools run social groups / lego clubs etc for children who find it harder to socialise.

It sounds as though this friendship isn't going to work out as they can't all play together given you won't allow that - but to be honest I have always found triangles a bit of a nightmare anyway. We had an experience where 2 children both wanted to be best friends with the third and in the end my son just found new friends to play with because he realised it was never going to work out and was causing a lot of stress and upset all round, particularly for the boy in the middle.