Am struggling with surrending my dd to Reception - think it is turning me into a fruit loop

[handlemecarefully]

Oh, I am probably making mountains out of molehills and getting this out of proportion....

A few things are bothering me - I am sure they will sound incredibly petty to you; but be kind - i.e. put me right gently / sensitively please...

Firstly I suspect that teacher has a teacher's pet. It't not that I want my dd to be teacher's pet - more that I think nobody should be in this exalted role. Why do I think she has a 'favourite':

• photos of child x are usually disproportionately represented on classroom noticeboard and in school newsletter

• when dh went to parents evening and asked a question about how my dd was doing with her social interactions (was she making friends etc ?- we asked because dd is cripplingly shy)..teacher seemed more interested in pointing out that child x is the most confident child in the class and liked by everyone

*child x is the one always selected to do things like take the bread plait to the vicar on harvest festival...

...etc

Oh, I'm not explaining this very well. Please stick with the incoherent stream of consciousness

...another small issue - dd took a picture she had done into school today to show the teacher. She had written 'pony' on the bottom and this was a big milestone for her; the first word she has written independently other than her name.

I watched from a window outside the classroom: dd stood next to teacher waiting to show her the picture. Teacher was engaged in conversation with a parent - that's fine, but couldn't she just acknowledge my very sensitive easily crushed dd with a quick word saying "I'll be with you in a minute"...Conversation finished and two other children came from nowhere and pushed themselves forward to talk to teacher whilst dd just waited and waited, they finished and another parent muscled in, and then she finished and a 3rd child butted in. Finally the teacher turned to my dd because she was the last man standing. I went home feeling only fractionally mollified.

My problem is - shouldn't the teacher be more perceptive? Shouldn't she be aware that my child was waiting? DD is easily deflated..... and I felt quite anguished watching her being sidelined

no helpful advice, sort of feel the same sometimes but put that down to my own insecurities and push it to one side.. hopefully someone will be along with some advice.

Heartbreaking when you watch things like that happen isn't it.

Well it probably is my own insecurities mascara - thanks though for letting me know I am not alone in feeling this sort of thing

the problem is you can't do much about the teacher and the way she deals with things (unless she is so bad that everyone is complaining), so you have to accept that as a given.

And find ways of teaching your DD to be more self confident and not be crushed by the hurlyburly of school. eg suggest she shows the teacher her drawing when things are quiet - not right at the start of the day.

Its horrible isnt it,When ds started reception this year I walked home with tears streaming down my face because all the other boys were playing together before they went in to school and he was just wandering aimlessly from one group to another.

You're right throckenholt, I'll need to work more on dd's self confidence and assertiveness, and the suggestion that she bides her time and trys to get teachers attention during a quieter period is a sensible one.

The teacher isn't that bad - in fact everybody seems to think she is just wonderful, so it must be just me!

Leandevil - I know what you mean. When I drop dd off at school the other children in the classroom are all happily engaged in all manner of activities but dd just stands there looking lost and uncertain

tries....

When I drop dd off at school the other children in the classroom are all happily engaged in all manner of activities but dd just stands there looking lost and uncertain

get there a little bit earlier - that way she can get in and get on with something before it gets busy - and she won't feel shy about walking in to an established group.

is your dd upset by any of this? You will know your dd better than anyone else but even so are you sure that you are not just imagining how you would feel in her position. If she's not upset, then I think you need to be pleased that she is mature enough to be coping well with potentially difficult situations. If she is upset, then you need to do something about it.

I know what you mean about teachers pet - I am sure there is on in my dd's year 1 class. her mother does all sorts of PTA stuff! This child always gets more stickers, the best roles etc but actually seems quite private and has few close friends wheras dd has a ball so there is always something that your dd is best at. Find that and work on it and i am sure you will both be fine!

I fully understand this. My DS is not shy but not very forward so always ends up being the last one to get a party bag or balloon or to have a turn or whatever. I have worked on this with him a little bit.

I would also suggest that you work on building your DD's friendship with one or two girls. Maybe ask her if she would like to invite someone to tea. So that at least she is comfortable joining a group with those children in.

Teacher's pet not much you can do about singlehandedly, although it is obviously very unprofessional. But at least all the other children in the class are being affected negatively rather than it just affecting your DD IYSWIM.

I hate this. The well-mannered, patient child is all but ignored while the pushy, loud, rude children get attended to first. The same child is passed over for the adults who also push in and ignore the child. I think it sends out the wrong messages. Given time, no doubt the child will learn that to be heard you have to not have manners, not have respect for anyone elses needs. I do wonder if this contributes to some of the bad behaviour found higher up in the schools and in secondary school if good manners are
"socialised" out of some children early on.

Oooops meant to add that I would probably speak to the teacher about it. Might just make her a little more aware if she isn"t already.

I have different issues with ds and reception - may post later - BUT was in classroom yesterday when a father went up to the TA and (after grovelling about being an overprotective father) explained that his sentsitive daughter was a little afraid of one of the rougher boys. The TA was lovely about this and said that she would watch out for this and intervene as necessary.

On the favoritism question - accept it - I am trying to ! I know my ds is the nicest, smartest, politest, cleverest boy in the class - just because the teacher doesn't recognise this is her failing not mine

It might be a good idea to get your daughter to put her hand up even if she is standing right next to the teacher. Other children and impatient parents will all be able to see then that she wants to talk to the teacher too.

The teacher would have to be extremely hard to ignore a little girl with her hand up in front of parents.

For all of those whose kids find it hard to mingle in the playground, I really recommend top-trumps or a bouncy ball- anything that fits easily into a pocket. That way, they can amuse themselves if they find it hard to approach other kids. Oftentimes, they will be approached if they look like they are doing something interesting.

i think you arent doing yoursleves a favour by helicoptering
leave them to it

oyu dont know by standign at a window what is being said/done

Helicoptering ?

Maybe its better to speak to the teacher about these matters gently;
-that it seems she has a favorite pupil (i wonder what the other parents are thinking about this, maybe they are upset too, maybe you can find this out beforehand) as this is a really disturbing thing really
-the events you saw from the window that how yr dd had to wait till she could get attention
-and as a teacher she must be able to help you both to improve yr child's socializing, putting her in groups, etc. and she may give some advices.
all these can be told in an appropriate way, starting the conversation saying that you felt really upset. or maybe your dh make this speech with her, sometimes men's speech has more effects on people.

I feel the school system is so lacking that we are going to home ed, HMC. I am sorry you feel your dd is not getting the attention she deserves.

'Helicoptering' is cod's buzz word for the day. She means over protective parents. I think it's so obviously a good thing to be concerned about your children's education and how they are being treated while at school that it's not worth debating.

HMC ... hugs {{{}}}

As an ex-teacher it has been an interesting learning curve being on the other side of the fence now ....

I think the advice of helping your DD become more confident and assertive is good ...

Teachers have 25/30+ children to deal with and it is very hard as a parent not to scream out, "BUT THAT'S MY BABY! SHE/HE IS SPECIAL!" I often find it incredible that DS's teacher doesn't see DS and the brightest, funniest, handomest, politest etc etc etc ... but like I say, in a day with 30 kids they have to deal with them all ...

The favouritism thing stinks IMO and the teacher is being crap with that ... I would try hard to ignore it if I were you.

Also, could you have a word with the teacher about your DDs shyness and that you are working at home to build her up and thought you would mention it to her so she can help too? Without saying, "I saw you ignoring her you heartless cow!" ... make the teacher feel that you are enlisting her help - she may respond quite positively ....

HTH

yes bit franny
30 kids ?
one teacher?
one is ignroed fro a second?
der snese of proporotion

I would say that unless you go in and have a chat with her about how shy your child is and how easily deflated and how much she tried and use the pony picture as an example then she will never know nor will she adjust her behaviour accordingly

also whilst there you could maybe point out that some of the other parents have noticed the disproportionate seeming 'favourtism' of child x in pictures displayed and that whilst you fully get what an attractive child she is you feel possibly more effort should be made to have an egalitarian society and push forward those children who are maybe less socially confident

at the same time smile and seem really sympathetic of her extremely difficult role in this balancing act

ya catch more flies wid da honey

how does your dd feel about school hmc?

I really think that is the key factor. I have one child who gets noticed and one who is much more shy. I think the shy one really spent the first year or so of school sussing out what was going on (and watching the other children alot rather than joining in).

If dd does not seem unhappy with school then I really wouldn't worry. Perhaps she is still trying to get the measure of everyone. If, on the other hand, dd is unhappy or worried about school, then it's worth having a word with the TA or the teacher.

Good one Twig .... smiley and sympathetic is my tactic with DS's teacher ... works every time ....

agree
ds2 whos is relatively confident and was used to shcool from taking ds1 was a bit of a hoverer for the first wfew weeks as he suseed peopel out but hats in his nature - he doesnt lunge in.
being a lone donst mena unhappy

juuule - that's exactly why I was intensely irritated by it.

I'd like to bring it up with the teacher - but don't know how to do it tactfully and it could well backfire.

Thanks for the advice willow, wobble, bozza etc..yes throckenholt I could try getting there earlier in the morning so that she is one of the first to arrive and can get established before the hurly burly starts