Sex education - what and when should I tell DS, 10?

[justanotherquestion]

I've been wondering about this for a while, since DS 10 in on the cusp of starting the puberty process - not many signs yet, but has needed to wear deodorant for a couple of years. We've been told there will be more obvious signs within the next year.

He has started to get embarrassed when s*x is mentioned on the TV, child abuse when watching the news etc and will immediately change channels. I feel that I need to open some sort of dialogue and will talk to the school. However, he is in a private Catholic school and I am pretty sure this is not covered in the detail that it may be in state schools. I know he has covered plant reproduction in science and the development of a chick etc, but nothing of a more personal nature. Having said that, the school is fantastic on pastoral care and I know they will do all they can to support.

It would be helpful to know what is covered, when, in state schools and how this might be approached. I will buy some books, but are there any that can be particularly recommended?

Thanks

Well it really is your job as a parent, to inform him.
Not the school.

Gosh. I wouldn't know where to start with a 10 year old who knew nothing! Surely you've talked about it a bit already?

When you say you've been told that there will be more signs of puberty in the next year, do you mean that he has an issue with his hormone levels or something? Is he being seen by a doctor?

The Usborne book called 'what is happening to me?' is good.
They usually cover body changes and hormones in state schools. Some school actually cover sex in year 6 (the one i work in does and does it badly!). They cover stuff like hygiene and feelings towards the opposite sex.

What - everything by now.
When - about five years ago.

Well, he does know where babies come from and understands sperm meets egg etc. all the mechanical stuff. I've always answered all his questions in a matter- of- fact way. We've discussed gay marriage etc, but he stopped asking questions about 4 years ago and I feel he now needs more detail regarding feelings, body changes, hormones, hygiene etc as fairgame mentioned. I will look for the Usborne book, thank you - he loves their factual books. Perfect.

I think you need to start talking about this ASAP. It doesn't have to be a big "We Need to Talk about the Birds and the Bees" conversation, but just start including it whenever the occasion arises.

Does he never ask you questions? DS1 started asking questions when he was about 5 I suppose and I always answered them truthfully (in an age-appropriate way). At the time I bought a book called Where Willy Went (which has funny cartoon drawings in it) but that might be too basic for your son now. There are lots of books on puberty for boys you can buy too.

My DSs are in state schools and seem to have covered the following in their PHSE classes:

Y4: relationships generally. The importance of respect & consent
Y5: puberty of your own sex (so boys' puberty for boys)
Y6: puberty of opposite sex. More detailed information on the mechanics of sex
Y7: wet dreams, masturbation, pornography, fetishes
Y8: everything you could possibly think of!

That is just what I was thinking of switchitoff, thanks.

Brilliant PHSE classes there - pretty certain non of that has been covered in our school! I am more than aware that I cannot leave it to the school and quite honestly,would not want to. I see it as 'our' responsibility, but it is helpful to get an idea what other children are learning at school, at this stage.

x-post. I see you say he used to ask you questions, but stopped about 4 years ago.

I often chat about things with my DSs, even though they won't necessarily have raised it themselves. There are lots of opportunities on TV to steer the conversation towards something you think needs stressing. They do rather roll their eyes now when I stress (yet again) the importance of consent and what exactly consent means ("Yes, yes Mum, we know all that!")

Switch - fetishes in Y7? My innocent mind cannot think what the additional stuff they cover in Y8 could be...

Don't forget safe sex and contraception in all of this. To that's almost the most important bit.

"Don't forget safe sex and contraception in all of this."

Are they allowed to talk about that being Catholic?

I think you can only tell him that condoms can be used but only with a small hole...

My 9 year old knows basics which I told him not long ago from a slightly old fashioned book I got from a charity shop.
Felt I'd left it late and he was asking questions.
Hope not to talk about it again for a while; he seemed somewhat horrified...

DS' shre classes focused a lot on relationships & respect.

Teach him about boundaries- eg him touching others and others touching him.

He should be aware that people online aren't always who they say they are and both be aware of grooming.

At 10 he will know girls who have periods so make sure he knows about tampons/pads, not to ever laugh if a girl has an accident etc.

You need to make sure there are good parental controls on any iPads etc he has access to. There are plenty of 10/11 year olds who have watched online porn. Tell him how to handle this if he accidentally comes across something or if a friend has shown him something that has made him feel uncomfortable.

It's appropriate to touch on subjects like contraception/unwanted pregnancy & abortion, if only briefly.

I agree the Usborne "what's happening to me" books are good. They were recommended when DD1 (now aged 12) was in year 5 and her little sister (now 9) has started pinching it.

In terms of PHSE, they covered puberty in Y5, mechanics of sex, including masturbation and wet dreams in Y6. Nothing about porn, so I don't think switchitoff's list is universal.

I had a chat with DD1 about porn last night because I wanted to find out how much she knew, following the recent Childline research. She says they have talked a lot about internet safety and what to do if you come across images you don't want to see. But they don't seem to have talked very much about how porn is not representative of real sex and relationships (which I found disappointing).

To be honest, I also take any opportunity presented by TV/newspapers to reinforce the kinds of message I want my daughters to hear. If your son is in a strict Catholic school that's not giving them much formal education, you can bet he's getting plenty of "informal" education from his peers and you will need to get past his embarrassment about talking about such things, so you can understand what he knows.

We've started talking to ours about sex within the framework of a loving and consensual relationship. We bought him a childrens' book on the basic mechanics of it but said he could ask questions if he wanted, and he has asked a couple.

DS is still very much of the opinion that it's all fairly alien. We haven't even begin to touch on porn, but have talked about internet safety and keep a close eye on anywhere he goes online because all it needs is one mis-click and he's venturing into territory it would be difficult to explain!

I do feel DH should be explaining some of it to him, but I think he finds it more embarrassing than I do!

begun

Of course they have sex education in schools.
Ds1 was telling me he's not looking forward to the Year 6 stuff this term because it's embarrassing!!

Best you find out what your school tells them!

Ds stuck his fingers in his ears for the year 5 sex talk at school cos he didn't think he was ready yet!!!

1. Find out what he already thinks he knows - gently and without judgement.
2. Find out what the school has already covered (by asking them for details) ...and what they are planning to cover in the rest of Y5/6.
3. Research some books - reading them yourself may give you some confidence and ideas on what to raise and how.
4. Start talking - lots, little and often. Not just about sex, about everything. It will make it easier to talk about sex and relationships if you are already communicating well.

My 10 year old has learnt everything at school,which just confirmed what her mates had told her probably a year or so ago.
I'd tell him everything,embarrassed or not.

I was wondering this recently too. DS (age 8, year 3) seems totally uncurious - he has never really asked any questions at all, and I'd always thought that I'd wait till he did start asking, to start the ball rolling rather than sitting down and having "the talk".

I think I'll raise issues directly. He doesn't seem to know about sex at all. I didn't think that that was unusual at his age - and was going to broach it in a year or so if he didn't ask first - but some of the responses here make me wonder if I should have told him years ago! Is it unusual for an 8 year old not to know about sex?!

He does know about body changes in puberty and about periods (but I only told him about that fairly recently - not through hiding it or anything - just that he'd never asked). I bought the Usborne book last week but don't want to leave it just to a book - I'd like to talk to him myself first.

I think I'll broach it all casually, when something comes up eg on TV, rather than sitting him down and having a "big talk".

It will be easier to talk to him now than later.

If possible ask the school what they cover - they should keep you informed anyway - and ask what they recommend. Feel free to ignore their advice if it seems to sanitised.

He will still be embarrassed when it comes on tv.

Little and often. When I was about that age I went with a friends family to a zoo around this time of year. The animals were all at it like, well, rabbits . Said friends parents were somewhat embarrassed (it was the 70s and they were Methodists) but it was most educational for me . Could you fit in a zoo visit over the weekend as a way to break the ice?