just found out DS is a bully

[yakari]

Just been having an email discussion with our DS's teacher - he is 8, and we live abroad hence time zones etc. Turns out DS has been bullying kids at school - seems to be both physical (pushing, shoving) and emotional (name calling, teasing - he's a clever boy so has been also using his knowledge to show them up).

I'm shocked as much as gutted - I may be biased but to date he's always been labelled the class clown, a little quirky but generally friends with everyone. Seems to be across a range of kids, not just one but its come to head because one of the kids (who is new from January) has been struggling to make friends and been picked on by a few boys and so DS's name has come up in that.

We've been through a rough few months as a family - please note this is not an excuse for his behavior - but the reason his teacher hasn't been telling me of minor incidents which are now all coming to a head. And every email from her seems to bring up something worse. I've asked to see her next week when the kids are back in school so at the moment emails are all I've got and I don't want to intrude more into her holiday but she also obviously wants to address it too.

It came up originally last Thursday and DS and I have talked a few times and I know he is upset (for getting caught? real remorse? not understanding that his "jokes" actually hurt others?) And I've told him in no uncertain terms that it is totally unacceptable. And that actually what matters is how his actions make others feel, not whether he considers he did something bad.

If it was one kid I'd make him apologise but if he is picking on many different kids how do I do that especially as some of the things appear to have happened a few weeks ago - the other kids may not want it raked back up (but then again they might).

I guess what I'm asking is apart from talking to him, suitable punishments, apologies to the kids concerned - what else should I be doing? Any words of wisdom from teachers or other parents who've had to address this with their kids.

What about getting him to apologise to the children involved? A written one? Ask him to write down what he did, why he thinks he did it (attention etc), how he imagines the other child felt (humiliated) and that he is sorry.

Maybe ask him to think of a way to make amends ie Doing something nice for that person.

It's better than an unrelated punishment, he might learn some humility and empathy as well as possibly help the children he hurt.

No advice, just wanted to say I think you're brave for addressing this. Admirable, well done

What a refreshing change to read someone acknowledging their child is bullying OP. I know you must deeply wish that isn't the case but I'm glad you are not burying your head in the sand like so many parents do. Hopefully your chat will have been enough for him to see how unacceptable this is. Let him know he will need to work hard to build bridges though..he doesn't have to be friends with everyone ( no way would I have ever been friends with the kids who bullied me!) but he does have to recognise it may take a while for everyone to accept his change in behaviour ( and therefore he will have to try extra hard when others might avoid him etc.) .But if he does change his ways make sure you praise him for that too...I don't mean "well done for not hitting anyone today!" !!!! But more along the lines of " It made me feel really happy when your teacher told me you'd helped so and so today" etc.

I am sure that now both you and the school have your collective eyes on the ball that you should be able to nip it in the bud quickly before both the other children and he suffers because of this.

It might also be an idea for him to be kept a bit busier to limit his opportunities for mischief (the innocent stuff too). maybe he could use his brightness to help support some other children to give him a bit of insight and also to help build positive bridges? I'm thinking here about maybe helping them choose books in the library that he thinks they might like since he is maybe a better reader. It would also help him to see his classmates as people if he could understand more what interests them. Just a thought really as I am sure that if the bullies in my sons class had been a bit less blinkered in their approach of what is interesting (football/basketball) and had taken a bit of appreciation of the the things my son enjoyed (building stuff/computers/reading) then maybe they wouldn't have ridiculed him to the point where he wouldn't speak and wanted to sleep in our bed at age 10. I'm not saying they need to liek the same stuff btw, just understand that people like different things.

I realise of course that it works both ways, he wouldn't play football as they just told him he was crap and shoved him out the way obviously limiting his opportunity to get better. he was actually reasonably good at Basketball being tall, but he was unfortunate in that the class had some really really good players - school won a national competition, players representing area and country - so he couldn't get a look in there either.

Thanks to everyone who has commented - and I know Mumsnet always likes an update

So we saw the Teacher today. Really good to meet and talk face to face - I don't want to go to much into specifics of what had happened and I also am not excusing my child but actually I wanted to lay it all out as maybe it will help show multiple sides to these situations (apologies for the length!)

On the reasons why things happened I think two main things

• Everything that happened built up over a 3 to 4 week period, while DH and I were often out of the country, we had child care in place but it was maybe a bit more relaxed than we are and the school didn't inform us of early issues due to the family situation. On the school's side it was the school production, and the run up to holidays so less structure there as well, giving more time for the kids to play up.
• The teacher also felt this was Class Clown slipping from being funny to being mean. This is one area definitely escalated because we didn't address it early on - one laugh, leads to a few laughs, leads to bullying. Which is how a kid like DS who most people describe as a friendly, lively boy who gets on with everyone, ends up being the bully. (And I'm not saying this is why it happens in every case - just in ours)

What we're doing

• We'd already spent a lot of time since last week talking about this with DS and how wrong it is to get a laugh at someone else's expense, how its not whether you think you said something mean or if you hurt someone but it was an accident. And its not even how all your mates feel about it. Its how the other person who was teased or was hurt feels.
• Obviously we talked about the specifics at school but one thing that worked for us - he loves history so we deliberately talked about examples of bullying when he was reading about stuff or looking at things on line. I think some of those examples helped more then just talking about the school stuff where he got very upset. I don't know - maybe examples one step removed helped him understand it more clearly - it was definitely easier to have a calm discussion with him. And of course then relate it back to what had happened at school.
• We've picked up on everything - and I do mean everything - where he stepped out of line. He couldn't do anything wrong without being pulled up on it. I think he needed to know we were watching. It also made a big difference when he knew we were in touch with his teacher so I told him every time I got an email, about today's meeting and he knows the teacher and I are staying in touch.
• The teacher also ran some sessions at school on being friends and anti bullying. One thing I think they did really well was talk about how things build up - so one kid teasing during morning break, another kid not letting them join in at lunchtime, and a third kid not sitting next to them in class = equals an awful day for the kid on the receiving end. Each kid might have thought what they did wasn't too bad but its the cumulative effect.
• I'm going to see how things go with regards inviting the boy over - on one hand I'd like them to get to know each other, on the other I don't want to force the kid to have to spend time with DS when he may not want to. I'll give it a couple of weeks and see if things are improving then make a call.

Anyway first week back, normal classes, we're both at home, lots of discipline - and so far so good. DS is apparently still a clown, but a bit more subdued and a lot more sensitive. The teacher has spoken to the other parents of some of the kids involved as well. The kid who was being picked on seems to be happier and there were a couple of parties/playdates during the holidays he seemed to be included and part of those all be it not yet part of the core. So its early days, but we'll see.

Sorry about the essay - but thank you to all of you for commenting last week. We'll definitely be keeping an eye on things but hopefully we'll stop this.

Thanks! It's been a real eye opener as I've said he's no angel but I just never thought being a bully would be a problem we'd face with him. I don't know maybe we were complacent or talked about bullying too generically.

Anyway I don't expect he will never tease someone again but hopefully never outright bullying. We'll see.

The teacher and I are going to catch up in a couple of weeks so he knows we're keeping an eye on things.