Anyone got a reception-age child who is "reluctant to participate"?

[hippospot]

DS sometimes gets involved in class activities but more often than not he refuses to participate. His teacher says he sits at the side and sulks. On a morning is reluctant to leave me and go into the classroom.

He didn't much like nursery last year either (different school, however, much bigger).

Teachers say he is intelligent, articulate, good with numbers, popular, sociable, has friends, etc.

He has always been quite strong-willed and doesn't much like being told what to do. His teacher is adorable and he likes her, and I don't know what else she or we can possibly do. He's at a private school with only 14 children in the class.

We give him lots of praise, are very hands-on and encouraging, try to buoy up his confidence at every opportunity, but it sometimes seems like he's bloody-minded about not actually participating in class activities. At times (home and school) he almost seems to cut off his nose to spite his face.

At five years old clearly he is not deliberately or consciously doing this. Any tips or advice please??? Have you had a child like this who got used to school and was happier with time?

I should add that when there are things that supposedly worrying him at school, eg "I'm not good at colouring in", we do practice at home to build his confidence. We also try to show him that it's ok to not be perfect at everything, tell him doing his best is all we want, stress the importance of just doing things for enjoyment.

Argh, maybe I am overthinking it all. I just want him to be happy, and a lot of the time he seems unhappy.

I disagree with DCC above.

I don't think he has ASD but is instead the polar opposite. Extremely sensitive (physically and emotionally) plus extra aware of others emotions. It's the last bit that is the polar opposite of ASD

You need this book from Amazon. The Highly sensitive child by Aaron. I read it two months ago and it's brilliant! Helped me work out the best way to be with DS and he has really blossomed in all areas.

Tell is more about his social skills? What's his eye contact like? Ability to read other emotions? Empathy? Is he cuddly? Does he dislike physical contact? Has he repetitive motions? Does he prefer to be alone? Does he struggle with food textures? Was his language slow to develop?

Thanks for your replies.

I don't know much about ASD but I've never been worried about that. He has good eye contact and seems very sensitive to others' emotions. He is very cuddly but mainly with me and his dad. Takes a while to get close to other adults even his grandparents. Very very close to his sister who is two years older than him. Adores her. Has plenty of friends at school, loves playdates, but loves coming home too and just chilling out with the rest of the family.

No repetitive motions, doesn't prefer to be alone (wants to share a room with his sister "forever").

At his first preschool he formed a good attachment with his key teacher but didn't do as well at the much bigger school nursery he attended last year (I blamed large size of class and large number of teachers). He seems to do better in small groups. BUT at his current school he IS in a small class and is still pretty reluctant to participate.

It's like he wants to do things on his own terms and only if he wants to. But sometimes it's like he chooses not to do something that he actually wants to do! Like I said - cutting off his nose to spite his face. Strong-willed is an understatement. He can get very very upset very quickly over something tiny not going the way he wanted it to. An example would be his sister getting to the door before him, he will burst into tears and make a huge deal of it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm treading on eggshells wondering what the next thing to upset him will be. I try hard not to pander. I don't dismiss his emotions, I try to validate them but not make a big deal along the lines of "she got to the door first but it's not a race, and often you get there first!"

The massive strops and crying over little things were REALLY bad when he was 3 and 4, better now most of the time. What worries me now is the reluctance to participate in school activities.

His language developed normally and I'd say he is articulate for his age. Reading is above average and writing/motor skills are average.

No problem with food textures, apart from the "usual" dislikes of mushroom, courgette, aubergine that lots of children seem to dislike.

I appreciate the book recommendation - thank you.

You could be describing my DD to a T. She is 4 years old and in reception. At the end of the first term she staged a "silent protest" and refused to do anything asked of her or engage in any activites including those she liked!! Apparently whenever asked she responded politely but firmly with a "no thank you"!

To be honest I have no idea what is up with her but I do know it is not ASD. Three suggestions have been put forward;

1. She is very bright, not being stretched enough and therefore cannot see the point of any activity so does not bother,
2. She is very sensitive and the noises etc of a class room make it sot hat she can't focus as there is too much going on,
3. She is emotionally immature (youngest in the class) and therefore has not yet got the "point" of school or understands the teachers the expectation that she has to join in.

I always add in the fourth she is just bloody minded option!!

We still have no idea which it is and only time will tell as I think she is too young to be assessed externally for any issues and these things have a habit of working themselves out.

Our DD is also at a small private prep school so the similarities are uncanny!

Wow JammieMummy there are lots of similarities.

While my son is among the older in his class, he is also emotionally immature I think - because he is a boy for a start.

He is also bright, and sensitive - doesn't like big noisy groups - possibly sensitive to all the noise. He seems to prefer being with girls rather than (particularly the boisterous) boys - possibly because he has a big sister? His teacher says he is gentle and polite, and other children generally like him (especially the girls). But yes, bloody-minded is a good way of describing him! Extremely stubborn if he hasn't decided he wants to do something.

We feel like we have to strike a fine balance - he needs to learn how to conform and behave in an appropriate way for his future school career, but we don't want to stifle his individuality and character. Being a free-thinking, a non-conformist, is not a bad thing in itself after all! But he has years of school ahead and a certain amount of conformity is necessary.

It's good to know we are not alone - thank you for posting.

I agree he doesn't sound like he's on the ASD spectrum.

Do look at my book recommendation. It will be both an eye opener and very positive. It discusses siting out of activities and observing. Explains about the need for down time and other strategies.
Explained why time out was too stimulating emotionally and didn't work as a result but a more empathic approach did. All very enlightening for my DS

My often very un-participartory 3-4 year old grew into a joiner- inner 7 year old in her own time. I get the sentiment of a child who won't jump through hoops just because that's what's on the plan just now. He will in time learn there are times when he has to conform, he's young.

I had completely the same experience as reni.

My DS didn't like nursery either. He likes school most of the time now.

DS2 who is now almost 7 was exactly the same in reception. He doesn't particularly like team sports/games but he's much better now and actually enjoys himself now.

He has just learnt that he has to do things that he doesn't want to sometimes.

We did stop going to big sports parties in reception, as he just sat on my knee and didn't participate, but by year 1 he realised that he was missing out went more often.

I found making a big deal out of it made it much worse, so just have the teachers ignore him and he will join in in his own time.

My DS is 5 in Reception and very similar. Strong willed and over sensitive are the perfect words for him. From 2-4 he had the most spectacular meltdowns all the time because it has to be his way all the time. He has less now but will still lose it over something tiny - he had a massive meltdown on Friday because he'd lost his gloves in the classroom and we couldn't find them.

He def lacks confidence but is also a perfectionist. So he doesn't want to write or draw at school because he knows it won't come out how he sees it in his head. He is slowly getting better at taking part in group things but he has refused point blank to do a couple of activities and had to sit out in time out.

Sometimes I have to admit ASD does pop in my head but I don't think so because he is so sociable with his friends and is good at playing with other children - though not so great if they don't want to play his game.

Am not able to offer advice my DD only starts school in September - but I know from nursery she will be very similar.
Reading with interest.

I really appreciate all your replies. It's always good to know we're not alone. We have lost a lot of sleep over our gorgeous little boy. I need to trust that he will gain confidence and find things easier with time.

I think DS is also a bit of a perfectionist.

Hi hippospot they do sound very alike! DD is also a perfectionist but only with things that she thinks are important, she will be the first to say her work is "scribblely" and "messy" even if I am trying to praise it!

I think you need an understanding teacher who just gets them (I'm afraid to say it is not our experience of the current school) because if someone makes a fuss about her eccentricities she will dig her heels in harder!!

God help me when she is an adult!! But I am sending you moral support, I too have had a number of sleepless nights this school year alone!

Just read this thread again- I would describe my DD as stubborn and a bit of a perfectionist too.
She often wont try things and tells me she is no good at it despite praise and encouragement.
One thing I find fascinating is that I think I am like this - I definitely wasn't a joiner iner at school and although I think I was more of a pleaser ( and would do as teachers asked!) I have never really shaken off the fear of trying new things in case I am useless, fall over, get laughed at etc.
In many respects my DD has bags more confidence than I did as a young child so I hope as she grows up she might Shake these tendencies.
The staff at her nursery adore her but they say its like trying to reason with a mini adult when she doesn't want to do something.

The Highly Sensitive Child book is a revelation! It's like they are describing my son!

Reading the checklist I realise I am HS too. I had literally no idea. Well it explains a lot I suppose :)

@hippospot My son is exactly like this but he’s almost 4. Did things improve with time and did it get over his reluctance to join in with activities? X

@poppet131 wow this was a blast from the past! My son is now in year 8.

I've had a fair few sleepless nights in the last few years. We've had OT assessments, many tearful (me!) meetings with teachers, some appointments with a counsellor.... and I've read many books. We've also moved countries in that time and had a significant bereavement in the family.

Year 7 was a really tough transition. Chatting to another parent one day made me consider an assessment for ADHD and this is what he has (inattentive presentation). It had literally never occurred to me before then. Getting the diagnosis was life-changing. Everything makes sense. His lack of focus when it's something he's not passionate about. His difficulty with emotional self-regulation. His hyperfocus when he enjoys something. His struggle to engage with education.

Now I have a much clearer understanding of his difficulties (and strengths!) He's got an incredible brain but is always going to be a bit of square peg in the round hole of school. But I no longer lose sleep worrying about him. His school have been good, and some teachers in particular really "get" him.

I think he has some ASD traits but not enough to warrant an assessment.

Compared with even a year ago he is thriving, long may it last!

I wish you good luck.

I know this is a very old post but I wondered whether anyone who posted in the past could share an update about their child. I have a 4 year old who is realllly struggling at school. To my surprise, she started school very happily and the first term was great. After Christmas holidays, things started to go down hill as she began getting emotional at drop-off and the teachers said she was resisting certain transitions/activities. Things really escalated after the Easter holidays to the point where she now refuses to join in with most activities at school and school have put her on a reduced timetable. They've suggested she may have Autism with a PDA profile.

I'm not totally convinced about this potential diagnosis as we don't experience at home the behaviors they are experiencing at school. DD is very sensitive to strong smells but otherwise, doesn't seem to present many other autistic traits. She is sociable, makes eye contact and doesn't have any repetitive behaviors. She is however very very strong-willed and likes to have control over situations. I can imagine school is stressful for her because she's in a class of 30 with only 1 teacher and 1 TA. Inevitably there will be a lot of chaos, particularly during transitions, and not a lot of one-on-one care. It seems like she is really struggling with the work too, as she is a perfectionist and very competitive, and can be very defeatist if she doesn't think she's the best at something.

I'm feeling very daunted by the many years of school we have ahead of us and feel totally out of control, particularly as her behavior at home is pretty good. If anyone has any advise, reassurance or words of comradery, I would love to hear! Thank you.

@SCLN My son is now just over 4.5yo and he’s doing really well and participating in activities and clubs (mostly ones where we have to be in the room with him but he no longer needs our encouragement). Has your DD settled at school in terms of making some friends? How is she in activities out of school? If she’s feeling overwhelmed, could her school provide her with counselling support - look into Place2Be? X

@poppet131 I'm glad your son is doing well. My DD seemed to settle very well in the first couple of terms and made some lovely friends. We often have playdates and she seems to socialize well. Things seem to be spiraling quickly at school though. She isn't participating in activities and today was moving furniture around and getting upset instead of doing as she was asked and joining in with the rest of her class. She went into school positively this morning and was confident she would get a star on her star chart for joining in with everything. I would love to be a fly on the wall at school to analyze the situation and see what is triggering her meltdowns. A big part of the issue is that there are only 2 adults and 30 children. I think she is crying out for help/attention but they aren't able to offer it. I'm hoping that we can arrange some one to one support and try to break this negative cycle, but it's very tricky with school funding etc. It's all a bit of a nightmare.