Son broken his arm at school after being pushed over by a boy that has been bullying him for months

[lucyhughes2]

I am just after some advice on how we should handle this.

Sorry for the long story, just trying to paint a picture.

My son is 9. He started a new school in September and straight away he started getting trouble from a boy in his class. It started as name calling, calling him a failure, not wanting him to join in games at playtime and saying none of this family love him. We spoke to the teacher after ignoring didn't work and my son was getting quite upset (he is a sociable friendly boy)

The teacher got them both together and they seemed to make amends (although my son never had a problem with this boy and always wanted to be his friend) This boy said he would make an effort and make a fresh start. This lasted about three days and the teasing carried on.

Most days he tries to push my son out of line. Once my son pushed him back and he flung himself on the floor and made a bug fuss, this was witnessed by the teachers and my son didn't get into trouble.

He was taken to a different room and started throwing chairs and tipping tables.

He stares at my son in class and gives dirty looks and has stuck twos up at him a couple of times while the teachers back is turned. My son says he just shakes his head at him (i think this winds the boy up though)

He won't allow my son to play football in the playground and when they are all playing a ball game he steals the ball. I have said just to stay away from the boy and ignore him but as he rightly said "why should i have to stop doing things i like because of a bully"

My son gets on well with others in the class.

Apparently the boy has some things going on at home and this has been the excuse i have been given from teachers. I have been understanding of this but up to a point.

All i know of the punishments he has been given is no golden time, sometimes removed from the classroom. Loss of squares (their reward system)

It came to a head two weeks ago where he was pushing my son while at swimming. Then he deliberately trapped my sons hand in the locker. He was given the next morning as a seclusion.

Now on Friday while my son and others were trying to tidy up sports equipment a few of the boys were being silly and playing around. This boy didn't want to tidy up and my son was getting annoyed with him. The boy tried to jump over a net they were trying to tidy and another boy bumped into him and he fell on his bottom. He then got up and started aggressively pushing my son. he tried to defend himself and push the boy away but he was grabbed by the waist and flung on the concrete floor. This resulted in both bones in his arm fractured and an ambulance was called. He had to be put to sleep as they felt they would need to go into his arm and put a metal plate in. Luckily that wasn't required and he is now home with us with a cast on.

It has all been quite stressful, esp for my little boy. I am not sure how i should approach the school. I had to take my other son into school today and i saw the boy with his mum, they were heading up to the Head's office. I appreciate the school need to gather information about what happened but all they have said is that he will be in seclusion today and not allowed to play out for a week.

I am tempted to change schools but is this an overreaction?
I just keep seeing his smug face every time he comes out of the classroom after making my son feel miserable.

I kind of feel that this boys doesn't care about what happens and is never sorry, so what is to stop him doing it again. He probably needs some help and i am sympathetic but i am just confused on how to approach things. I guess i expected a temporary exclusion.

sorry for the very long post, it is sometimes easier to view things when you are not emotionally involved

thanks

good to read your update OP, and good that the head is taking it seriously.

I wouldn't rush to move schools. See what happens now. It sounds as if the head has a plan.

Please call the police. I wouldn't normally say that over a school incident, but this was deliberate and the boy really doesn't get it. A visit from the police may really help him to understand the seriousness of the situation.

It may be that he has undiagnosed SEN, but if this incident sparks the diagnostic process then that in the end is good for him.

The other boy btw may not be under the age of responsibility. Your son is 9, is he in year 5? Because if so the other boy may already be 10 (the key age)

I would want to ask the school why the previous incidents were not taken seriously (trapped hand in a locker????) And what it would take to exclude him.

I have recently done exclusion training as a governor, and this would easily pass the level required for a temporary exclusion.

Fair point about age of criminal responsibility; I was assuming both boys were 9. Even so, I still think that the priority here is to get decisive action from the school, possibly up to and including exclusion (I've done that training too).

Agree with others that the other boy isn't your priority nor should you expect feedback n his home life, SN or allow the head to pressure you to complain externally. Focus on their need to safeguard your Ds. Was the injury properly recorded in the accident book ? What measures will now be taken to avoid further incidents?

This is fundamentally the school's issue - poor supervision, lack of duty of care to your Ds and the other child, tolerance of disruptive and aggressive behaviour in class. You do need to separate what you know as fact from what you have heard 2nd or 3rd hand ie. Blaming your Ds and dirty looks in class when discussing the incidents.

Hope Ds recovers well soon.

I would contact Ofsted actually.

I would ring the police without question. If your sons arm was broken out of school you would ring them.

poor supervision, lack of duty of care to your Ds and the other child, tolerance of disruptive and aggressive behaviour in class

yy to this, good summary

Another that agrees with getting the police in, particularly if it has been suggested by the HT.

I'm not a legal person - but sometimes for adults you hear of them getting orders that certain people that have bothered them can't come within a certain distance of them. If this means that they have to change their habits then tough, they're the perpetrator of the crimes so have to face the consequences.

Could you see if you could get something similar issued to protect your ds - so that he would be the one that had to move schools rather than your ds, even if he wasn't permanently expelled?

If they won't exclude him - are they both in the same class? And is there more than one class in the year?

I would be pushing for the boy to be moved into a different class (with immediate effect and beyond into the next year or two as well). Even if the school doesn't usually do it, it shows how seriously they take the problem if they do something like this - particularly if it is know that it is a punishment for seriously injuring another child...

It's good to see that the head and the parents realise how serious it is. However given that the parents are devastated it's more worrying that the child isn't bothered (if he'd had crap parents and didn't know the difference between right and wrong then there'd maybe be a hope that some serious input would help him to learn the difference, whereas if his parents are devastated it suggests that does know the difference and doesn't give a shit - hugely over-simplified I'm know, but hopefully you get what I'm getting at) as it looks like his pattern has been to focus on your ds and his actions have been getting worse and worse.

Hopefully your ds isn't in too much pain at the moment and they find a way to keep him safe!

And on a separate note - make sure that they use the right absence codes for your ds while he is off so that later on in the year if he ends up being off for a day or two with a bug for example, you don't get stung by them saying that he has had too many days off school!

Thanks again for your messages.

My son is back to his normal happy self and is enjoying the attention. He class made him this amazing card with messages.

The boy has written him a letter apologising. It still feels like he isn't taking full responsibility, so the school are working with him. I have made it clear i need more from him and they are putting together a plan to give to us outlining what they will be doing.

The boy is actually 10 so we could definitely call the police but i feel we need to take stock and think of the big picture. I know it might seem like i am under reacting but there is so much anger and upset in me and the staff know how we feel, i just want to follow the right steps.

He def doesn't have special needs but recently has developed an anger problem. They have spoken to CAMHS and he is going for behaviour therapy. They are visiting the Doctor tonight.

I took the plunge and spoke to the mother this morning, i felt like it needed to be done so we can actually work together and i can be open with her about what her son has been doing. She was petrified but i said what i needed to say and she thanked me for taking the time, amazing how calm i was but then got in the car and had a little cry. It looks like all the other mothers (who she has been friends with for years) won't speak to her anymore. What a mess.

We are going to have a meeting with the chair of governors and the head to make sure the plan is to our liking.

My lovely son has said he would like to be friends with this boy after getting his letter. I don't want him near my son really.

Thanks again for the comments, you have helped me a lot. Even just writing this down is therapy.

xxxx

I'd want the boy out of the school. You can't be breaking people's bones.

I really admire your compassion for his mother. I find it shocking that the other mothers won't speak to her. The widespread belief that this kind of problem is ALWAYS somehow caused by poor parenting is simply wrong. You are right to be wary, though. This boy's behaviour could just be a temporary blip, but it could also reflect a more serious underlying problem. Look up "callous and unemotional traits" for more info.

Behavioural/anger problems are a SEN but that a child has a SEN is for the school to deal with, not you or your ds. You do no favours to your ds or the other boy to play down an incident. From the perspective of the other boy, it can take a parent like you to make a fuss for the child to receive the help they need. Calling the police, complaining to the school etc. about a very real injury your ds received will all be helpful to his parents to see CAMHS quicker (waiting lists can be very long) and get the help he needs.

My head would say: No way this boy will make my son leave the school, why should he, he has done nothing wrong. We must stand up to bullies.

My heart would say: I cannot send my son back to this school, especially because the other boy shows no remorse. He sounds like a psychopath in the making.

It's good that the school is on the ball, and I would definitely involve the police.

What a tough situation, OP
I don't know how you stay calm, I'd probably told the boy if he as much as looks at my son again I'd lose my rag.

I agree, it isn't your place to befriend the mother or become involved in the family or school's strategies for managing his behaviour. The letter of apology is really odd. You need to be quite selfish in your approach and seek reassurance from the head and safeguarding officer that there will no recurrence of incidents. It is sad that others are isolating the mother but you may inadvertently be sending mixed messages and minimising the impact to your Ds and the school.

lucyif your user name is based on your real name, it may be an idea to change it to somethimg more anonymous.

Such a good thing to do to talk the boy's mum, well done that took courage.

The school really need to up the supervision and if necessary kerp the boy in at breaktime, leave him out of PE, whatever.

You did a great thing by speaking to the boy's mum, what a thoughtful and courageous thing to do. There's no doubt that her son is absolutely in the wrong, and he needs to be dealt with, but the fact that you found it in you to speak directly to his mum speaks volumes about you as a person.

Sorry, even if this bully has special needs or home problems his behaviour cannot be excused. He is a danger to other children and he needs to be dealt with before something even more serious happens.

amothersplaceisinthewrong - the thing is, it is a huge mistake to focus on the boy. His behaviour didn't come out of the blue, there were warning signs and the school was not acting on them.

His lack of remorse is a huge warning sign for me - indicating probable SN or some kind of "abuse". He is 10, is this the first time he has shown "no remorse"? Is he showing "no remorse" or are his facial expressions all wrong? Can he show emotion really? (And I could name children who behave like this from both "abuse" and "SN".)
The school should have picked this up before, he is 10 and is not a new pupil.

Now it could be that they have been trying to get the parents to take it seriously, and take action.

BUT the school should still have been taking steps to safeguard during school hours, all pupils. (They should have probably called in help/outside agencies immediately or before.)

Lucy - first let me say how sorry I am to hear what your son (and you) have had to endure, a horrible situation that has gone on too long and left to escalate.
Then let me offer you my deepest respect for not over reacting, seeking to do the best and most sensible thing, looking at the big picture as you say! You are working with the school to try to get the best result, you even reached out to the mother (I had hoped she would reach out to you, but it sounds like she was both scared and ashamed). Your son too, sounds like a wonderful boy, confident, forgiving and kind, who truly reflect the kind of parent you must be! I would be so proud of him!
I am not trying to say that the situation is not serious and should not be dealt with in a very serious manner, I am just saying that I think you have been brilliant in all this. Finding lasting solutions are always the best way. Hopefully the bully will get the help he so obviously needs (and perhaps wants, as this type of behaviour often is a cry for help/attention). We all have to live together one way or another and the best way is surely to find a way to do so.
I take my hat off to you and your son and I really, really hope this story will have a happy ending, which will probably be thanks to your approach!

I think it would be a great kindness for the other boy to call the police. Obviously he isn't going to be arrested but a stern word from an authority figure might save him years of going down a bad path. In fact I think to be honest if he were my son, I would have called the police myself.

I'm sorry that the other mothers are shunning her - this feels very cruel.

That all said, the clear onus is on the school to act appropriately and they have failed very badly in that regard. It's great that your ds is feeling so much brighter - when my ds fractured his collar bone he went to school early and came out late so he could avoid being jostled by everyone in and out of the doors. Hopefully your school can put similar measures in place to make it more comfortable for him (along with dealing with the bigger safeguarding issues).

I think you have done the right things and taken the correct approach. The school also appears to be working for your son. Under current rules the head could actually seek a permanent exclusion as he has caused a physical injury. I am suprised they are trying an internal exclusion first, I would have expected an immediate temporary exclusion. But having said that, there are time limits in temporary exclusions and perhaps they want more time to work with him. The important thing is the safety of your son and his well being. I would be very proud of him for the way he has handled it all so far.

Agree with Lizs you are too nice, I probably would have called the police, only to make sure it got escalated.

Kudos to you for reaching out to the mum. You do have the power to set the tone there. Please continue to say hi to her. By not excluding her, you make everyone safer. Humiliated people can't parent so well.

Agree with everyone else though that you can't get involved with the boy's punishment/treatment. I am surprised the school keeps telling you so much.

I worked with a child who behaved in a similar way to this. He was deeply troubled but no psychopath and we loved our time together. He was systematically wound up by the other kids once they realised he has anger issues. That sort of thing goes on a lot. Not your problem of course....