How to help very shy 6yo - independent school?

[silversixpence]

DS is 6.5 (July born) and has always been shy but recently it has become more of a concern. He becomes more or less selectively mute around strangers or relatives he sees infrequently. He is bright but a few months ago he had an assessment at a couple of local independent schools - he did not answer when the teacher asked him questions and wrote a few words when asked to write an essay but did manage a "reading age" of 9 and did well

in the maths test but didn't have enough time to finish. He also was not offered a place at another school we liked but which is in a more competitive area.

We are wondering whether we should try a very small friendly independent school which although academic seems more willing to tolerate different personalities than the others we have seen. Or is there something else we can do to help him while staying in the state system? He is happy and settled at school.

You have not said what the outcome of the assessments were. Have you been offered places? I cannot imagine a 6.5 year old child would have been asked to write an essay!

However, you need to be very sure that these schools can help your DS. What experience have they got in helping a selectively mute child? This must surely be the question you need to ask above all else. Do they have anyone who understands this problem and can coax him to communicate? Do they have specialist communication advice or help?

I don't know whether I am overstating things but he will not voluntarily say a word to a stranger.. with encouragement and given enough time he can be persuaded to speak but he is certainly not the delightful chatty boy he can be at home. The school did try and help by having sessions of 'Talkboost' in year 1 where he was encouraged to talk in a small group.

He was not offered a place in one school, they don't give any feedback on the assessment. The other school asked for a school report and suggested we arrange another taster day but we didn't arrange one in the end. We haven't discussed in detail that he is excessively shy beforehand although it has been mentioned.

If he's happy where he is, why do you want to move him?

If he is happy where he is I'd just leave him there - I doubt keep touting him round different schools is helping his confidence . Have you thought about trying a martial arts class as they are supposed to be good for confidence building .

Dd1 didn't speak in the nursery school, or to strangers for a year - but she was much smaller than your son.

What helped her was getting a "best friend" brining things (toys, little science experiments we did at home) to school. Eventually other kids interest and questions pulled her out of her shell.

A more academic (competitive?) private school may not be the best setting for him at the moment.

But a new small school might be - have you looked around? Talked to them about your son and his shyness? There is nothing to loose by exploring that as an option.

The reason for moving him is because he is not progressing at his current school, reading books checked very infrequently etc. His teachers have always said he is very able and we are concerned he will not achieve his full potential if he is left where he is. Secondly it hasn't helped his shyness and part of this may be that it goes unnoticed in a class of 32.

He already does taekwondo out of school which he enjoys but it again doesn't help him with shyness as he doesn't have to talk to anyone! We tried drama last year but he found it stressful especially during performances (and noticeably did not participate in group scenes) so we stopped again. We are trying to be relaxed and not make an issue of it but as he gets older there is more difference between him and his peers eg he struggles to respond to a simple hello which can appear as rudeness.

Would moving him not unsettle him further? Does he have a good group of friends at school? If he does there is little point moving him into another situation and him having to start again making friends, unless he knows children at the new school.
If he is happy and settled leave him, he is still very little.
Have you tried Beavers or Cubs? IMO this is a great way for children to build friends and also try a wide range of activities. Are you able to take him and some friends to woods and help them build dens or other activities which are team building with a fun outcome. It may help his confidence and. Hold up communication with friends.

My Ds was (and still to a certain extent) like this. We have tried little things like asking him to order his own drink in a restaurant/café. At first, he would literally cry rather than say anything but as he has matured, he is able to order his own drink and food 80% of the time. We also explained that if he said nothing in reply to a question or turned away, then people would think he was rude/not listening and we demonstrated this. Not great on eye contact still, but again, with lots of practice, he is improving. My ds likes drama but we don't force him to perform - he finds it too anxiety producing.

So no answers I'm afraid and it is upsetting as it seems these days that confident and 'loud' children take the rewards. I think there is a place for quieter children, plug away at little things and hopefully as he matures, he will become a little more confident to speak out but from my own experience, it's difficult to make a child into something they're not.

I think you are probably best leaving him where he is, if he is happy tbh. If he is anything like my son, the "shyness" and drying up when speaking with strangers is also linked to problems with new people and places. Transition has to be handled carefully.

An over academic school full of confident children may not the answer. (My son eventually bloomed in a state primary, and certainky did not get lost in the class).