Poor DS (yr5) Held down and kicked today

[Verbena37]

Feel so sorry for DS today. He came out of school telling me he had been held down by two boys in his year....one held his neck and pushed so he couldn't get up while the other (large) one kicked him and stamped on him repeatedly over his legs.

DS is underweight and skinny and this boy is massive and very overweight. DS couldnt get them off to start with but managed to escape eventually. He went and told the dinner ladies with his friends, who had been there, and all they said was oh no, not him again....we will have a word with him.

Me and DH are fuming they didn't report the incident to the staff so I'm going in in the morning to talk to someone about it.

What is the best line of action to take with the school do you think?

Does he have any visible injuries and is he shaken?

No visible injuries but scared of this boy.....he tries to keep away from him but he seems to find him. Apparently, the boy has been squeezing his fingers into DS neck on a regular basis to get him to fall down.

DH has shown DS how to get him off him and get out of the situation by hitting him if necessary. I don't think hitting back is the right way to tell him to deal with it but DH insists he will leave DS alone if he knows he will hurt him back.....and to be honest, the school don't seem able to do much with the boy....he is often in trouble apparently.

Your poor son. I haven't been here yet, my son is 4 & very slight, I expect to be in your shoes at some point.

I would advise your little boy not to hit back. Speak to his teachers & tell them you expect it to be dealt with & stopped immediately. They will have a policy on dealing with bullying. As I say, I haven't dealt with this, but I think this is how I would approach it. Good luck & I hope your little boy is ok.

Thank you tuckingfits. I'm still in two minds about the hitting back /not hitting back issue.

When school doesn't do much to stop very physical children, we kind of have to give our son ways in which to get children away/off him. If he just laid there and took whatever kicks were given, he could be knocked unconscious

That's awful for your DS. I would go in and ask to speak to the head. Be very clear that it wasn't just two boys getting into a scrap, but your son being held down and attacked. Ask what the school is going to do to make sure your DS is safe in future.

Sometimes schools only respond if the parents make a fuss.

I would insist on talking to ds's class teacher first thing tomorrow morning, before registration (or as soon as YOU can, if you have to be at work, say). Emphasise that this is part of ongoing problems, it has escalated to a safe-guarding issue and you ds no longer feels safe at school. Insist that they tell you what they are going to do about the situation, and how they will keep ds safe.

Follow up with another meeting a couple of weeks later (but schedule an appointment for this one) so that the teacher can tell you what has been put in place and whether it is working.

Log all incidents. Keep talking to your ds. Respect his feelings and let him know that you understand how difficult it is for him. Reassure him that you talking to the school about it will not make things worse for him. Present yourself and the school as a united front: "together we will make sure that the bullying stops."

HTH

(Been there with one of my dc in the same year. Low-level teasing and tormenting suddenly escalated. School soft-soaped all my concerns and reports until a couple of nasty incidents led me to make a calm and insistent fuss. Then, at last, they began to deal with it.)

Thank, that's helpful. I will go in tomorrow and be assertive and ask how they will resolve it. From previous discussions about the child with my DCs, it seems like everybody finds him hard to control.....he apparently climbed onto the school roof a few months back and tried to run away etc.

Oh I agree that your son should have the tools to get this boy off but if possible it should be dealt with by the school & he only needs to have the knowledge, not put it into practice. I really hope you can make the school see how serious this is & that they have to tackle it.

Your school must have a behaviour policy on their website and this will outline what their policy is with regard to bullying. Make sure you follow the process outlined there and if the school isn't following the process ask them why. Also put this in writing and email to the school. Keep it factual.

I would immediately take this up with his teacher this morning. Your son was physically assaulted in the playground and this is very serious. It should have been reported and written up, and you should have been notified. I would be inclined to put in a complaint about the way his reporting the assault was handled. It does not sound like the lunch staff followed the correct procedures and that could be down to a lack of training by the school. The complaint policy must also be on their website by law.

I would not expect to hear anything about the sanctions placed on the other child. That will be confidential. Your approach should be about the safe guarding of your child. You should ask what steps they are putting in place to ensure that your child is safe. This should not involve putting the onus on the victim eg making them stay in at lunch time to keep them away from the bully or putting it on them to report when the other child does something wrong.

Your approach should also include the educational impact on your child. By being continuously assaulted by the other child, he is going to be anxious and will find it hard to concentrate or focus in class.

Hitting back is not a good idea unless it is a last resort. The bullied child may sometimes get in first and get in hard out of fear. The. The school may have no option but to follow their policy and that may involve internal, external or permanent exclusion.

If the school are clearly not following their own behaviour policy then I would have no hesitation in removing my child. If I could I would so so immediately and home ed until a place came up. That's just me though.

At our inner city primary any violence means there are immediate sanctions. Something like this would mean the boys involved would be sent immediately to the head and their parents would be at least called in. Most likely they'd lose their lunchtime play for a week. They would also have to apologise to your son.

As NynaevesSister says it would be dealt with in confidence, but I know what would happen because the sanctions are transparent/ same for all and very clear cut. So if a child does do something like this they know a) it's wrong and b) that there will be a consequence.

Being beaten up in the playground used to be seen as normal, but it isn't today and shouldn't be. Kids should feel safe and happy at school not scared. Go shout about it - I'd go to the Governors and write a letter of complaint if you get nowhere with the Head.

Have checked out the behaviour policy this morning, as well as sending the details of what happened to year leader. They are dealing with it and also finding out why the dinner time staff didn't report the incident to a staff member.

I had said I would go in and speak to them about how they will deal with it but the have asked me to wait until they find out exactly what happened. The child has been internally excluded this am until they find out more.

Feel a bit left out of the loop. I don't really see why you can't just go in Andy peak to them in person (staff not child).

The behaviour policy is very lengthy......doesn't relly focus much on physical bullying....more on being respectful to others and staff.....and the long list of possible sanctions.....of which there are many depending on the situation.

At least they have taken some action this morning. Do not be fobbed off with a phoned explanation, a face to face meeting is a completely reasonable expectation.

Tucking fits - please don't worry yourself unduly. I agree with Smee playground bullying at primary school is not seen as normal at all now. This is unusual. I also have a very slight DS and worried so much before he started school. He's now 10 and never had a finger lifted against him due to being small and slight. There have been boisterous boys and pushing, mainly in the younger years, he's Yr 5 and the boys are much more controlled now. However, DS has never felt it was targeted at him in particular.Unfortunately a lot of it comes down to luck in terms of who is in the cohort, and of course the effectiveness of the school and playground staff.

Good luck Op.

OP -in preparation for being told their no need for you to come in. I would have phrase ready 'I am not requesting a meeting, I am saying we need to have one and I would like to make an appointment please'. Sometimes when dealing with these things, is possible to get so emotional and stumped for what to say that you find yourself off the phone before you know it.

Hopefully, the school won't be elusive though.

My godson was in a similar position in primary. This might not be a popular approach but his mum enrolled him in a martial-arts based self defence course called Krav, which focused very much on building confidence and control. It has done wonders for him on a personal level, and after the school had failed to resolve persistent bullying from a gang of five older/bigger boys, he snapped one day whilst being pushed around and used a Krav move to put one of these boys against a wall (without hurting him). They've never bothered him since.

Little shit. Tell DS to spread some rumours about him. And to keep doing it.

I KNOW this is not advised I KNOW that on MN nobody seems to retaliate but in my experience this sort of thing goes on and on and on unless the little bullies are given a taste of their own.

Spiderlight - Martial Arts was also used by a family member of ours simply for self confidence purposes after bullying and it was fantastically successful. Not sure if he ever needed to use it but the difference in the way he carried himself was very noticeable (not that he was doing anything wrong before but he had an added self assurance).

I would be playing hardball, and telling the school that, if anything like this happens again, you will be informing the police - because this is an assault.

I told ds3's school that I had spoken to the police, when he came home and told me that his face had been pushed into a urinal in the school cloakrooms, and that I had been told this was a reportable assault - and the school dealt with it very quickly, and made sure the loos were better supervised thereafter. Had they not acted swiftly, I was prepared to go back to the police and make a formal report.

Well, even though the contact wash lol by phone, the yr leader explained everything that was being done in good detail and I am happy with the outcome and sanctions/apologies.....for now.

DS does karate but obviously you can't use it in any way other than self defence blocking. I do agree it's givens him more confidence though.
Thanks for your replies.