How to handle this parents evening?

[scrappydappydoo]

DD is really struggling with yr4.
It seems like every week she arrives home upset about something.
She's struggling socially. She manages to get into a lot of girl playground politics and takes everything to heart - latest being that all girls in her class are going to a party and she is only one not invited (not sure this true)
She appears to have no relationship with her teacher if fact frequently gets in a state about her homework. Panicking about being shouted out for not doing it, getting it wrong or getting too much help from us. Today she came home upset as apparently her teacher ripped up a team project saying it wasn't good enough.
Now I fully realize this is all one side of the issues and we have parents evening coming up so I do want to get her teachers point of view BUT at dds school the kids are expected to come along to the meeting as well. So can anyone help me deal with these issues at parents evening without sounding pfb or implying to dd that I don't believe her.
We have tried to arrange a separate meeting with her teacher in January but were told she is unavailable and to bring it up at parents evening.

Anyone? Would appreciate a teachers POV.

You could say that DD is finding school stressful at the moment with friendship groups/level of work expected. This way you haven't said you think DD is exaggerating OR accused the teacher of being mean (before you find out what is actually going on).

I was a teacher (before DD came along). If I was unaware of how your DD was feeling then what you say will help me investigate it/reassure your DD. If I was responsible for stressing your DD out it would make me rethink my strategies. I did once make a child feel awful as I was too blunt/jokey with her. I had just switched classes and this rapport worked incredibly well with my previous class. I felt awful when the mum told me how much I had upset her child but I did change how I reacted with her (I never ripped up anyone's work though).

Seriously they expected you to wait from January until March to speak to the teacher? That's not OK at all, especially if your DD is struggling.

Write a list of the things you want to discuss, talk to your DD before about what it is you are going to discuss and what your line will be so that she is not sitting there thinking that you are suddenly siding with them.

I would not take DD into parents evening (at first anyway). You need to be able to have a frank discussion. (Or arrange a separate appointment).

You asked to speak to the teacher and were told no, wait for parents' evening? That's unacceptable.

I'm not in favour overall of meetings where children are present (as a parent or as a primary teacher), even at secondary level. Sometimes there are just conversations you need to have about your children that they are better off not hearing. At the primary where I teach, we used to have children along years ago, but ditched the idea in the end, as it was proving unpopular all-round. If, however, a parent wanted to speak to me at our weekly class surgery about a specific issue and wanted the child along, of course that would be OK.

For the record, we are having major issues with our Year 4s at the moment (particularly the girls) re: friendship groups, crises of confidence, imagined ailments/injuries and so forth. Barely a session goes by without someone crying about something. We have loads of procedures in place to help them (worry boxes/pastoral support worker/sympathetic TA always available/playground buddies/peer-group mediators/buddy benches/class surgery/circle time and so forth), but someone pointed out today that that might actually be exacerbating the problem in a bizarre way. Not sure about that, but they certainly seem very sensitive at the moment for sure.

Your school are out-of-line in not giving you an opportunity to discuss this. Parents' evening ought to be more about their academic progress, so they ought also to allow you a platform for talking about other anxieties.

Thank you all - some really good thoughts and suggestions. I've never found the school particularly approachable. They are a jr school and they put a massive amount of emphasis on 'independence' in all areas so try and put responsibility onto the child. I sometimes feel a bit alienated as a parent but I've always just sucked it up as a difference between infant and Jr's.
Clam - your description of your yr 4s is exactly the issues dd is facing so that helps to know its not unusual.

I can't imagine saying to any parent 'wait until parents' evening', even if parents' evening was next week! That's totally out of order and I would be extremely pissed off.

Asking you to wait over a month is simply not acceptable. I would not take my daughter to the meeting as you need to have an honest conversation with the teacher without trying to talk in code!

It is very common for girls of that age to have difficulties and there is not always an easy solution.

Good luck.

I can't believe they told you to wait two months before bringing up a concern- that's shocking.

I think you need to be able to talk to the teacher without your DD around. I would either not take her to parents' evening, or ask her to sit outside for a bit. It might not be the school's policy, but they can hardly refuse.

Also, I think I would be speaking to the head about the teacher being so unapproachable.

Yep I know - teacher is very good at deflecting and dismissing and making you feel over paranoid. A quick 2 minute conversation at pick up in the playground is the best I have achieved. Any extra time requested was dismissed with a sharp 'I'm teaching all day and not available before or after school either'. Her yr 3 was far more approachable but she didn't have problems then so never needed extra meetings.

Teachers don't teach all day, every day. they have paid time for planning and preparation. If she can't see you before or after school, she could see you in one of those slots.

Parents evening slots are too short to deal with this and discuss your child's academic progress. I would spend the time arranging a meeting to discuss your concerns rather than risk the conversation being cut short.

If she refuses to do this, ask her if she would prefer that you made an appointment to see the head teacher instead.

"Any extra time requested was dismissed with a sharp 'I'm teaching all day and not available before or after school either'."

It's part of a teacher's role to make themselves available to parents (within reasonable/acceptable limits), particularly to discuss a child who is struggling for whatever reason. However, if this is indicative of the teacher's general attitude, then that might be a clue as to what part of your dd's problem is.

Just sayin'

If it was me and a teacher told me they didn't have time I'd have asked them to make the time.

However, I would say something along the lines of 'xxx seems to be very anxious about the responses that she feels she is likely to get for her homework. She worries about being shouted at, or even that work will be destroyed for not being good enough. It seems to us as her parents that this is preventing her from getting on with the work. Could you explain to us all what it is you expect them to do so that we are all clear?'

You could follow up with a question about whether work is ever torn up if you feel the teacher is not being helpful.

Its hard isn't it because I know that some children at my daughter's school are asked to repeat bits of work again because they've been sloppy or lazy (for example one was apparently told to colour something again because they'd rushed it and the teacher knew they could do better).

If the teacher won't talk to parents on principle then I'd be straight over to the head of year or head teacher to discuss dc and complain about the teacher's attitude. It's one thing if parents evening was the next day or maybe week or there was a reason she wasn't available immediately but that attitude stinks.

Agree with making a list of issues and with some of the more extreme things like ripping work I'd mention it in terms of dd being demoralised when work gets destroyed dismissed without any constructive criticism

If the teacher won't talk to parents on principle then I'd be straight over to the head of year or head teacher to discuss dc and complain about the teacher's attitude. It's one thing if parents evening was the next day or maybe week or there was a reason she wasn't available immediately but that attitude stinks.

Agree with making a list of issues and with some of the more extreme things like ripping work I'd mention it in terms of dd being demoralised when work gets destroyed dismissed without any constructive criticism

that's awful. The fact it's a junior school is irrelevant, I used to be a secondary teacher and if a parent asked for an appointment you saw them.

clam really interested in what you said about your Year 4 girls at the moment.

(DC2 is a year 4 girl, and the drama...aiiii.)

I thought what you were saying about whether all the different strategies/ interventions might be exacerbating the problem was interesting. My friend is head of guidance at a school in Scotland, and she wonders about the same thing.