is it ok to be on your own?

[littleredridinghat]

My ds is 4.5 and currently in nursery but I am thinking ahead and getting a bit worried about him going to school.

He is a lovely boy but has some asd traits in that he has some rigid thought patterns and occasional meltdowns. But the main worry for me is he doesn't seem to enjoy interacting with other children!

At nursery he only goes half days and he seems fine wandering around playing, talking to staff and just generally doing his own thing.

I ask about the other children sometime and he is vague and says he didn't play with anyone or that he can't remember people's names. Nursery confirm he doesn't tend to interact with peers.

Other than that he seems happy at nursery. He is an only child so probably not as much practise at interacting as other children. Plus I am quite shy so we don't have many friends. But I thought nursery would be enough socialising. He does other groups like little kickers and music but he just tends to focus on the activity in those.

Has anyone elses child been like this and become social later or should I be very worried? Just scared he will be on his own in playground at school and sad.

what do nursery say? what are they doing to help him learn how to interact? are they concerned? If they just confirm it when you ask a direct question but have no concerns then that is different to them raising it with you as a 'we have noticed that...'

children of this age often do still just play alongside others rather than with them and if a child is used to adults rather than other children then obviously this could cause a delay in interaction skills but not always.

It could well be a sign of a problem or equally it could just be he really genuinely has no idea that he is supposed to interact with the other children.

nursery should be getting him to play in groups, introducing activities between him and other children so they have to talk to each other, they can lead conversations so the children learn how a conversation works and help encourage them to ask each other questions. They can do loads of things to teach and encourage these skills and even if there was a problem present then these skills can still be taught to a large degree and the sooner the better so I would ask for a meeting with the nursery and find out.

My DD was like this at 4 (August birthday), although perhaps 'clingier' than you describe. She had an extra term at home (not for everyone, but was good for us) and went to a very nurturing primary school in the Spring term. Now at 5.5 she's the opposite really, bounces off to see her friends, misses them in the holidays, really sees them as the main reason for school with a bit of learning thrown in.

I didn't do anything really, just listened and explained. I don't make her do groups or activities that she doesn't want to do (although I'd love her to do more!). She needs alone time, or quiet family time anyway, at home but likes the business of school now.

My DS was similar at this age.

He is now 11 and whilst he doesn't have masses of friends, he has a small close knit group of 'proper friends' (as he calls them) and is very happy.

As to your question about being alone; my DS spends about one lunchtime a week happily on his own. We used to worry terribly about this (I think if we're honest we all want our child to be the popular, life and soul of the party type) but my son is more reserved and says he just wants some time to think and process stuff. It has to be his choice.

If you're worried speak again to the staff; it is quite common for children of this age to still be playing alongside others rather than with them. But nonickname has listed all the things his nursery can be trying to integrate him more.

Good luck to you and your little one.

Hi thanks for the useful replies. Nursery haven't really been that helpful apart from pointing out that he doesn't interact. I will ask them next time I get a chance what they are doing to help him. Thanks for the pointers on what they can do.

At the moment just one friend would do as when I ask about friends he either says nothing or says everyone in the nursery is his friend.

Hopefully things will sort themselves out I am just worried that when he gets to big school and there are not so many toys about that he will struggle to make entertainment at playtime if he is not playing with other children,

Lots of children don't make friends at nursery. Friends tend to come about because parents are friends and meet up for a coffee, irrespective of the children! When children are at school they sit on tables with other children and they get to realise some children are like them, so they become friends. There was recently a programme on the tv which followed children in a nursery and how they interacted with each other. None of them made friends. Instead they co-existed with their peers and sometimes enjoyed their company, but sometimes didn't!

My DS is also 4.5. He turned 4.5 on 17th Feb (17th August born) so he is half way through Reception already. He has traits of ASD (I am a specialist ASD teacher so I feel pretty qualified to say that).

He has had social wobbles in Reception but they have dealt with it really well. His teacher being on board with structuring his environment for him has been key.

DS has made friends, fallen out, spent time on his own and learned that that is OK and generally experienced a whole lot of social scenarios this year. He has been fine.

I would just plunge in and support wherever you need to.

My DS (almost 4) was similar (still is a bit) and apart from saying I don't have friends, he actually complained other kids were too noisy and didn't want to go nursery once he could talk. He didn't really play with other kids since he went to nursery from 9 months. When i talked to the staff they said it's not that unusual even they did try harder to get him involved in group activities.

The funny thing is since he gets into a more 'structured' group as he gets older within the same nursery, ie, they now 'learn' something rather than just running around all day, he actually likes nursery better and starts to 'identity' friend(s) (friends on the list are constantly changing but they are normally not the ones either too active or loud).

I think it's just a stage some kids go through and if yr DS (like mine) doesn't like crazy moment, nursery could be quite overwhelming sometime, if not most of the time. I think, at least for my DS, a school is properly better for him as he can get away from constant screaming and shouting.

We did consider moving him to a private school nursery which actually start proper learning from 3+ (much more civilised environment) not at all we are pushy but we were tired of him saying not wanting to go nursery everyday. We didn't move him in the end as we see some improvement and we want him to have another year easylife!