Tips for first residential

[TeenAndTween]

My y5 DD2 is off on her first residential with the school later this term.
She has only ever had 1 night away from us before, and is emotionally on the young side and not very resilient.

Any tips for preparation or special things to pack?
Would some 'We love you' notes be good, or just remind her of us and make her homesick?

We are obviously being upbeat about the fun she is going to have, whilst reflecting back we know she is nervous, but we are much more worried about whether she will cope than we ever were with DD1's trips.

My DDs went on their first residential (4 nights) in year 2 (one is an August birthday so aged 6) and loved every minute of it. Firstly, the school will keep them busy. Secondly they won't want them phoning home all the time, or being reminded of home all the time. Thirdly, you should have a briefing session, from experienced teachers, about what they do with first timers and children who get a bit "wobbly". Plenty of them will be. I would not send any "reminders " of you and home at all. I would not send anything that promotes homesickness and I would stay buoyant, optimistic and steadfast. If you really don't think she will cope, can you fetch her home in the middle of the trip? Should she be going at all?

Thanks.

We can fetch her home if needed, though it is 'across the water' which involves ferries. This is adding to my anxiety quite a bit as I can't just send DH over at 2am if needed. We have discussed secretly sending DH over to stay in a B&B so if necessary he can be there (or have DD to stay overnights with him and return the next morning), but we really don't want to.

Should she be going at all? That is a good question. On balance I think yes, if it goes well, if her peers are supportive on the physical tasks (some of which she may find extra hard), and it will be brilliant for her confidence if she goes and enjoys it. And if she doesn't do this trip, she may be even less prepared for later experiences, such as Paris in y7.

I know they can't & shouldn't phone home. I know and absolutely trust the teachers. My DD1 did 2 fantastic residentials at the same school and has done 3 abroad trips at secondary, all with no problems.

The largest part of me agrees with you - no little notes or photos. But a smaller part wonders whether for her it might be helpful, to know we haven't forgotten her. She used 'transition toys' from home to school on and off all the way up to y4 to help her through wobbly patches saying goodbye in the mornings.

If you're seriously thinking it might be necessary for Dh to stay in a B&B nearby, I wonder if she should be going too, but I doubt that is really necessary. I bet once she's there she'll be fine, but talk to the teachers. They won't want her there if she's going to be that distressed, so they will be honest with you.

Absolutely no notes or photos.

Is it the IOW? If so the ferries run day and night, so not a problem there (Ex lives there and DD had potential meningitis whilst with him, so emergency rush over).
On DD's residentials they have been kept so busy in the day that they have collapsed in small heaps at night.

Our school says no to notes etc. as they can cause even the most robust child to crumple late at night, tired etc, when previously they were happy as larry and about to go to sleep! They also start some of the other kids off with where's my note, it's not fair, etc....

You'll probably be amazed at how well she does when she's surrounded by friends doing things and supportive teachers.

They will keep them really busy to tire them out and minimise worry time.

Definitely no notes but all of DS's class took a soft toy in y4 and y6. Even the hard nuts! Plus they were really supportive of each other. I have a late Aug born and had similar concerns.

Hope she has a lovely time. She will come back full of tales, really.

How much is because you genuinely think she won't cope, and how much is you not coping with her going away?

Because thinking of staying in a B&B in case really isn't normal.

If she's tried staying away and been absolutely inconsolable, then go and talk to the teachers and see how they feel. If this is just a "she's never been away and I don't know" panic, then I would let the teachers know that she hasn't, but don't suggest her not staying overnight, or that you'll stay nearby in case.

The notes remind me of a TV programme on ages ago perhaps about 1999/2000. They took a group of teens and gave them a month of being in a 1950s style boarding school.
They were allowed letters once a week, and most of the teens, most of whom had not been homesick before, were in tears. And the ones whose letters had not come were equally well in tears.
So I don't think that's a good idea.

However what I would do in your situation is:

1. Speak to the teachers and find out what they do with homesickness/how they try and prevent it.
2. Try and arrange a sleepover with friend/grandparent beforehand.
3. Anything you think will help her relax within reason. For example, I know one child who had a serious wobble about the 3 night yr 4 one they wer going on. Parents drove out and had a look at the outside of the place they would be staying. Worked very well with them.
4. Don't go OTT though. If you make a big thing to them, it will become a big thing. "Don't worry. you'll be okay, you do know what to do if you don't want to stay..." etc. makes them feel that they ought to be scared.
5. Listen to the teachers. They'll almost certainly have seen it before.

Thanks all for your reassurances.

Dee We are trying not to make it a big thing. She has seen her big sister go off on various trips and come back happy and smiley. (I didn't have same worries with sister). I do have absolute confidence in the teachers (but a bit less in some of the peer group).

Lone I didn't realise IOW ferries ran at night too.

All I will go with views here and no extra notes (promise).

Dee We did her first ever sleepover in preparation for this trip. It went OK, but she did need a lot of reassurance from the other Mum at bedtime. We wouldn't suggest to DD not staying overnight, but it is at the back of our minds if needed.

I honestly think I'm only worrying because I'm so unsure of how she'll cope, rather than me not coping iyswim. Anyway, we always have a 'give it a go' attitude so we'll continue with that. And no extra notes. (but probably more than 1 cuddly toy).

Do not put notes in her case.

I worked as an Instructor in residential centres and weve never had a happy reaction to a note.

Show her how to stuff her sleeping bag into its sack (if they need them) - not rolling it!

Buy her brand new pjs and slippers as a treat

Tell her if she is feeling homesick she can call you Wednesday evening - gives her a moid point to work towards but also means if she does ring you can say "you only have one more full day left" which will hopefully keep her going.

I like the help with packing tip.

And the stuffing the sleeping bag - I find it hard enough, no way she'll get it all in the bag!

Also the new slippers (she needs some anyway).

Find a bigger bag than the one it came with to stuff the sleeping bag into. DS went off to cub camp with a child size sleeping bag in an adult bag stuff sac. And a hold all so large he could climb inside, with all his stuff tipped into it as his packing method is unmethodical.

We were unsure how he would cope with cub camp ( mid summer, early dawn, late sunset) , this is a boy who usually has 12 hours sleep and then has to be woken, who normally sleeps on his own, in the dark. By 10pm on night 2 he was apparently knackered, rather tearful and scared that he might roll under the tent door, so the leaders asked one of his tent mates to swap places with him and reassured him. 10 mins later he was asleep.

But he had a great weekend and is keen as mustard to go to camp again. Was grumpy as anything the day after and threw up the night he came home. Not food poisoning, no other child from his group was sick, just over tiredness.

Y6 teacher here.

No to notes unless the school has requested you to send a letter for mid trip.

Teach her how to make the bed/put a duvet on (not all places uses duvets - some use sleeping bags) but she will need to know how to do a pillowcase.

Roll up an outfit altogether in her bag. So that each day she can pull out a roll and have underwear, trousers, top and fleece all together.

Get her to help pack so she knows what is in the bag.

If she is disorganised give her a typed list of all her stuff so she can make sure she repacks everything on the way back.

What exactly do you think she won't cope with?
Have you shared your concerns with the staff?

We had labelled plastic bags containing outfits (and clean underwear) for each day of the week, and a few spares if something got wet. They get to sort all this out with you before they go. You will be surprised that when children are away from home, they do support each other, perhaps more than on a normal day in school. They know it is different for all of them. Ask the school how they are sorting out room arrangements. Is it one big dorm or 3/4 to a room? It will help enormously to be with the right friends.

Hi TeenandTween:

I have definitely been there and with two children at younger ages.

My first piece of advice is acknowledge that they might miss you (especially in the evenings) but assure them that is normal and other kids will be feeling much the same. Let them know you're excited by the idea of what they're off to do and that you're confident they will have a great time.

Send along some favourites for reassurance:

Favourite snuggly toy/ teddy bear
favourite book
favourite blanket
torch - to light their way or read under cover

Remember that they aren't so far away that you can't come and collect them if they're hurt/ truly upset/ etc...

Having experiences away from parental supervision where they're out of doors exploring, experimenting and shreaking is an experience you probably want for your kid. A school residential is an incredibly safe first extended stay away from home.

As MillyMolly says - all the running about and physical activity will mean they're off to sleep in no time. If they're not it's most likely because they're telling spooky stories or having a midnight feast.

I'm sure this first time away will be hard for the both of you - but the next time will be easier and the next even easier. Ultimately, I'm sure you want your DC to head off in life, excited and enthusiastic and not riddled with self-doubt and worry. It's only a small step - but a school residential at 9/10 is part of this process of giving your child the lifeskills to go out into the world and have a bit of an explore/ try something new.

HTH

I'm worrying about exactly this. I have an anxious dd who has struggled with going to school this year, and doesn't like staying away from home. My worries are compounded by the fact that she also has allergies that need an epipen (which she also gets anxious about), and they'll be in rural Wales!

Im trying to be all outwardly positive and excited when I really can't wait for it to be over. However I'm sure that even if she has a wobble, she'll be having fun for most of the time. Need to focus on that.

I got the teacher at school to have a chat with her today (she was in tears after school yesterday about it all saying she didn't want to go), and she seems more positive. Just need to keep up the positivity until the trip now.

I think I need to buy her a onesie, that will make the trip exciting. .

Thank you all for the hints and tips.

My DD aged 9 returned from her 5 day residential recently and had such a brilliant time. (I was an emotional wreck though!)
Agree with what others have said above.
We were allowed by the school to write one letter though, I kept my quite short and upbeat and silly and not too soppy and she really liked it.

Definitely get them to pack the bag; label absolutely everything (there was a huge pile of unclaimed belongings after their trip).
I got DD things like a new flannel, a new toothbrush container, a little bottle of shower gel, to make her feel grown up and special. I also got her a nice luggage label for her suitcase. Also a little torch which the school recommended.
Clothes were practical and I reassured her that if she lost anything or got it muddy it was totally fine.

Did you go on trips as a child? If so tell her about them and how you felt, what you enjoyed. My DD liked hearing about my school trip (especially the bit about how me and my friends got told off for waking the headmaster up by being noisy!)

Are there any photos of the place they are going to, or of previous school trips? It really helped my DD - at first she didn't want to go, but when I showed her a youtube clip of the activity centre she changed her mind! I think it was as she had a better idea of what to expect, and started to picture herself being there. Sometimes it is fear of the unknown.

The children do really support each other and the staff at these places are great. I am so glad that DD took the plunge to go as it has really done a lot for her self-confidence.

Is the school not having a meeting to go through everything with parents? They should. I am feeling that I must be the only Mum in the world who didn't get upset when my DDs went on residentials. Both of them went for a week in year 2, my August birthday DD was 6. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was going to prevent them going! They also both went to school in South Africa for a term when they were 13.4 and 13.8 years old respectively. We didn't go, not even on the plane!

OP, do you think (apart from the wobbles) that she actually does want to go? It's good to be encouraging and there are lots of benefits of these trips and MOST dc have a great time....but they're not for everyone and personally I wouldn't make a child go on a trip when they don't want to go.

Some children are just not ready. In terms of preparing them for longer trips abroad later on....? Well yes and no. Sometimes giving it time is the best preparation. Some children who don't go on primary residential trips feel fine about going away a few years later when they're a bit more mature and ready.

I think sometimes there is too much pressure on children to be independent, I really believe it should be child-led. My younger two both went away on Brownie camp when they were quite young, about 7 or 8. They were both fine, little bit of homesickness but had a great time overall. My youngest dd didn't want to go at the same age, she's a different child and just not ready. But she will be eventually, I'm not worried about it at all.

Positivity is good but it's also really important to listen to your dd's feelings and act on them.

Sorry, I hope this doesn't come across as negative. But I just wanted to give you a balanced view. Sometimes we can be too quick to respond with 'she'll be fine/it's good for her' etc rather than accept that it might not be the right time for this particular child.

Thanks all.
We've had a parent meeting, which said all the right things.
I think DD does want to go, but has some nervousness. School have been good and have given her space to talk about her fears and have been reassuring, and she's feeling a bit better for now at least.
We've agreed not to mention it much until just before she goes. Luckily there are a couple of other exciting things between then and now to keep her mind off it.
She misses home even when were are on holiday with her, so being away without us is a big thing.

Anyway, thank you to all for suggestions and reassurance.

Op, I know this was a long time ago now, but how did it go?
@TeenAndTween

@HardToUnderstand very long time ago, DD is 19 now! It went well, the headteacher was on the trip and went on a high swing thing with her and she screamed in his ear.

It turns out she STILL believes that yhe water dispensers give out lemonade occasionally but she wasn't lucky enough to time it right!

That is so good to hear it went well! Was there literally no wobble at all?

We are talking 10 years ago!. I remember trip being successful, and it led to her going to Paris with secondary 2 years later.