Just found out my year 5 ds is being bullied. Would really appreciate some hand holding

[daffodiljar]

Ds (10) has been very emotional recently - crying over nothing etc. He has kept telling me everything is OK but on Friday pm finally told me other dc at school are telling him he is a wierdo and nobody likes him. On Friday 2 boys on his table told him he was a wierdo and everyone hates him then all the other dc moved off his table (they are allowed to move if being distracted) and left him on his own. The teacher then told my ds off - I think she though he was distracting the others. I am absolutely heartbroken. It seems that it all stems from one dc who he used to be good friends with. They broke friends before Christmas and ds would not make friends with her again (says she is too bossy). Since then she has been telling everyone he is a wierdo, following him around playground annoying him, kicking him under the table during lessons etc. Yesterday he said about 3/4 of the class call him a wierdo at times and about 3 girls (his old friend is one of them) do it a lot. This girl is a goody goody at school. Teachers all love her so ds thinks the teacher won't believe him. I am so worried about this and could really do with some advice and support. With it being half term I cannot do anything about it until next week.

Really sorry to hear this. I have a y5 DD who has had people being mean to her too, though not in such an organised way.

In a way it's good as you have a week to ponder without going in all guns blazing, and you can help your DS feel safe.

My suggestions for what they are worth:

• write down what he has told you as clearly and unemotionally as possible

(I'm saying this bit very very quietly, remember it is possible that your DS has been being mean to them too so be prepared for counter accusations)

Consider how to approach

• ask to see head teacher and/or class teacher first thing? ie before school day starts. It is quite possible that someone is checking emails / phone messages, so you could email/phone in saying You and DS will be at the school 8am re bullying and you would like to see someone before school starts if at all possible.
• tell HT / CT what has been happening from notes above
• ask for tables to be rearranged (quite possible at start of new half term)
• ask for DS to have a 'safe place' at breaks for a few days
• circle time regarding calling names etc

Also

• talk to your DS re why they might be doing this
• give him some strategies if they are mean (e.g. assertively responding, finding adult, walking away)

Give your DS lots of hugs. It is OK to be different.

You are doing the right thing listening to DS and following this through. I hope all is resolved swiftly, bullying is the pits.

Thanks for your replies. I know what you mean about going in all guns blazing. I was so close to phoning the parents of ds old friend but luckily stopped myself. It is happening at school so a school matter I suppose. I just feel so upset to think this has been going on and cannot bare to think of ds feeling so sad.

Are there any friends he could invite round during half-term? I'm thinking one at a time not a group. Doing something fun outside school could help bolster his other friendships.

I would go and see the class teacher for a chat early next week.

Thanks for the replies. I am going to phone school first thing Monday and get the teacher to ring me at break time and tell her the above, then ask to see her and head teacher to find out what they are going to do about it. I just wish I could sort it out now - it's frustrating having to wait until after half term. Great idea about seeing his good friends. We had a couple here yesterday who are great and he is going to another friends house today so it is good for him to see he has some very good friends who are very fond of him.

Would it be possible to invite the 'ex-friend' for a fun playdate?

Often tiffs in friendships are caused by misunderstandings. Children say and so so many thoughtless things to each other. Having a fun day together may iron out all the problems between them and make them get over the 'bad blood'. It may also offer you the opportunity to have an informal chat with the girls parents along the line of 'i thought it such a shame that their friendship ended'. This strategy has often helped us.

I would be devastated if parents of one of my DSs friends did not feel they could come to me to discuss if there were any problems.

It is nothing worse than feeling the pain of your child and not (feel like you are) being able to do anything about it, so I really feel for you! Try not to be accusing but solution oriented.
Good luck!

Thanks Tinkerbell. We thought of inviting ex friend here too and told ds it would probably be a good idea to make friends but he absolutely refuses. I am in 2 minds about talking to parents as I don't want to end up in a situation where the parent denies their dc would do such a thing, which i think would be the case here. Good advice though and I really appreciate your support.

My yr5 DS has had problems with a 'friend' over the last 6 mths. Friend is a real goody two shoes who never puts a foot wrong at school but is very controlling. DS just got fed up and being a sociable soul removed himself from this friendship. We had some warning signs all was not well, and I found a drawing( not very complimentary) of this friend in DSs stuff over Christmas break.
The physical stuff was going on outside of school at a weekend club so eventually, having had enough, I spoke to the parents.
There were lots of excuses but no denial. I also spoke to form teacher since one episode had occurred at school. DS proudly told me he had retaliated on this occasion but as usual it was well out of sight of staff. Form teacher was brilliant and investigated. She spoke to the child, interestingly she didn't doubt DSs side of the story or feel it necessary to speak to him about what was happening.
DS has been a changed child and I feel a little guilty I didn't do anything earlier but I only ever witnessed one example of controlling behaviour.
Although I don't think the friendship between friends mum and myself will survive this situation I would always put my DSs wellbeing before a friendship.
It is awful when your child is unhappy with a friendship. At 10 they are not able to walk away from the situation because they have to see these children every day at school. DS wasn't unhappy at school just frustrated that this child was making his other friendships difficult. When he started to confide in me about the physical intimidation it explained some of the odd bruising on his back it seems that he was being shoved up against a wall. He had blamed it on rugby but I should have twigged something else was going on.
He seems to have bounced back but has warned me not to fight his battles in future as it would embarrass him, ho hum you can't get everything right.

I would second not speaking to the other child's parents. I did this.

The mother absolutely refused to believe that her darling child could possibly have done this despite clear evidence to the contrary. The school dealt with it and all was ok, but the other mother started a whispering campaign against me until I called her out and that stopped it. She did not speak to me again (although her DH was always very chatty). After a couple of years, she moved away and changed schools.

Well as the parent of a now adult daughter, I would have liked to have been told if she was bullying though frankly I don't have any idea how I would have dealt with it.

Aw wee soul

My 9 year old ds went through this recently and into would advise not contacting the parents

I did this as I thought two adults could sort this out...boy was I wrong

Be very clear what you expect from the school

I hope your dd is okay

Don't call the parents but do tell the school. Try to give specific examples as you did in your op.
Also start keeping a diary of what happened and your Ds felt, pref in his words.

Ds1 was being bullied in y4. The school wanted to write it off as a series of one off incidents. So I presented them with a copy of the diary and a covering letter saying who id told of the bullying and the response. I asked them in the letter to put both on ds' s file. 2 hours later the Ht contacted me to say she'd deal with the situation immediately. It stopped that day.

by way of comfort, most schools are very good at dealing with this sort of thing and can bring it under control quite quickly (especially with primary school age children).
Its obviously been going on quite a while and the school may have noticed a change in your DS. So you can reassure your son that now that he has told you, its going to start getting better and you'll be there to help him through it.

This is what I said to Ds1 only a few weeks ago. He's 12 but still he needs to feel that someone has his back. It works wonders in giving them the confidence to face the situation next week.

Your son is right, OP, why would he want to be friends with a controlling girl again!? Let her go. Let him be friends with boys! My DDs never bothered with boys after about year 2! Boys ran about at play time and the girls talked. We didn't have boys at parties after the age of about 7/8. So, keep nurturing his friendship with boys so he has a group in school who will support him. He needs secure friends in year 6. Tell the teacher what actually happened. Moving tables like this gives opportunities for leaving a child as Billy no mates. Not a good policy in my opinion! The teacher should have wondered what was going on when he was left on his own and actually asked him! Lucky they have extra tables to accommodate the bullies! Good luck next week.

Thank you it is good to hear that you have all managed to sort out the problems. It definitely gives me hope. Also a good idea to keep a diary. We will do that if things can't be sorted straight away.

Have you managed to get things sorted out, daffodiljar?

How horrible for your DS. And it's awful to see it happening to your child. Have been there and out the other side. Hope things are getting better for your boy.

The freedom to move tables thing may need more monitoring by class teacher - have you mentioned it?