Friendship difficulties for 10 year old girl - ideas wanted

[misscph1973]

My 10 year old DD is having problems socially at school. We moved this summer and she started at a new school. It's a good school, and one of the reasons we moved was because the old school had kids leaving every year, as it was an army intake school, but the area was also very transitory. My DD has not had a friend for more than 1 year since she was 4 years old. She is very insecure socially although I am not sure how visible it is at school, I think she puts up a front. When she started the new school I went to the class teacher and the Family Support Advisor after a few weeks as she was not very happy, she felt lonely. Teacher and FSA were great, and they asked a couple of girls in her class to look after her a bit. They became friends and have after school play dates regularly. I thought all was well. But DD and one of the 2 girls have fallen out, starting last week. I'm not too sure about the reasons, as DDs version changes a bit depending on her mood. My impression is that the other girl is quite bossy and can be a bit quick to turn around and say hurtful things if there is a crisis. They were friends again after the weekend, but this evening DD was very tearful and told me she no longer was friends with this girl and that she (the girl) had said that the teacher had told her to make friends with DD last year. She now feels that it was fake all along, although I have assured here that no one would/could want to fake it for that long and that they became her real friends. DD is obviously very sensitive to the whole friend thing, it has been very traumatising for her. She is still friends with the second girl, it appears.

DD plays with the neighbour's boys (and her younger brother) and I don't personally perceive her as socially awkward, she seems quite normal to me when I see her with other kids. She said to me this evening that she doesn't know how to make friends, she misses her old school etc. I think she sees her old school in a rosy tint but I am worried about her social insecurity. I try to support her, I listen to her and tell her about my friends and the good and bad times, and I think it helps her. But I would still like some advice and tips from other parents.

bump

Does she go to any clubs outside school to widen circle and build confidence?

Can you talk to her class teacher about this? The teacher should be able to advise you how well your DD mixes with other children, and if there are any problems.

I second the answer above about clubs -anything that requires mixing with other children is good.

Can you talk to a coupl of sympathetic mums at the school gate and see if you can fix up some playdates?

You sound like a very kind and concerned mum, and I'm sure you will be able to sort something out.

Thanks, Blueundies and Campaspe. She has swimming lessons. We have tried Brownies, but she did not like that. She did have an after school French club, but it stopped at Christmas.

When I have talked to her teachers in the past, they have always assured me that DD is fine socially, she plays with other children and does well in school work groups. Maybe I will have another chat with her teacher. I think DD hides it during her school day, but she is really unhappy about the friendship thing when she talks to me about it. She just wants that best friend that you can trust, she get so unhappy with this on/off girly mess. I remember it from my own child hood, although I had friends and was very social, I found it all very difficult, and the "power games" that some girls play went right over my head. I think DD is the same.

I will try to set up a playdate with the other girl that she hasn't fallen out with. I just don't want the girl that DD has fallen out with to be lonely now, I am sure she is upset as well.

I would try to do another activity. I don't think swimming lessons are a good place to make friends. It's noisy and they can hardly see each other.

Maybe you could try a team sport like netball where she is a part of something.

It's a difficult age. We are immigrants and I feel like I spend half my time making sure my two have things going on outside of school.

Yes j wouldn't really count swimming as kids rarely interact much. Drama, dance, theatre, ballet, gymnastics, football etc? Mine do loads of things and they have friends in sports teams etc

Are there any other school clubs? Again we are spoilt as we have loads - is there choir etc?

Savoy, I'm an immigrant too ;)

I try to keep the amount of clubs to a minimum, as DD needs a lot of down time, as does the rest of the family. The plan is that she stops swimming this summer and starts another club, probably gymnastics. But I am hoping that she will join an after school club at the school next term. They have lunch times clubs, but it's voluntary and they ask the kids, not the parents, and DD didn't sign up for any, and I really wish she had. I will try to encourage her to sign up next time.

Thanks for all your advice. I feel better about it now, and to a certain extent I think perhaps DD is being a bit dramatic. She's not lonely at all, she is just not very "girly", although she really want to be, she often enjoys playing with boys more than with girls, but at school I think she feels she has to act like the other girls, and she just doesn't get it.

What about Cubs? That's mixed. Gym is mixed. Is it a small school? Luckily ours is 3 form entry which means there is a lot of non girly girls, girls footy team etc Is she I'll such that she needs down time? Most of my DD friends do between 2 and 6 after school things plus often afterschool club itself

I didnt mean to be rude sorry. I can imagine if she is a small school, with loads of girly girls she will feel left out and feel she doesn't fit in. That is not uncommon with girls who don't fit the pink princess hair makeup and clothes model. My DD plays only with the more boyish girls and ignored the rest. She thinks girly girls are boring. She also does loads of mixed out of school sports - try help her x

Are there any lunch time clubs she could go to? Might help her feel less lonely.

Blueundies, you were not rude, no need to apologise. I doubt that she is ill, but she has always needed a lot of time to "recover" from the world, she reads a lot and often she just need 1/2 hour on her own in her room relaxing and playing.

It's a big school.

When she came home today, she told me that the girl she had fallen out with had apologised. DD had told her to stop being bossy and leaving other kids out, and then they were friends again. She had played with a group of girls and boys and she was very happy. I don't think this is the end of it, but she seemed confident and content and I am quite impressed with her efforts.

Thanks for your support and advice!

Your local fostering team should have loads of ideas. I foster babies (so not there yet!) - but I know they have loads of support and great strategies for older children moving into new environments and helping them make new friends. Try charities like BAAF - they have some good integration ideas and books on the subject.

When my dd was going through a rough patch friendship-wise at this age, I encouraged her to think more widely about what a "friend" could be.

There is this idealised "best friend" concept going about, which in some ways equates to romantic partners. But as with romance, most of us go through most of our lives without a best friend. You can't make it happen. Sometimes we get lucky and a wonderful friend comes into our lives. But it is quite possible to be happy without one. Having one can be complicated, and losing one is painful.

It is very lonely to have no friends at all, and few people would be OK with that. But your daughter DOES have friends. They just aren't the same gender, perhaps not the same age, and aren't in her class. That can be a bonus, actually. Help her to think about what she gets out of her relationship with her brother and with the neighbour boys. Especially her brother, because he will always be her brother and if she treats him halfway decently he is unlikely ever to turn his back on her completely.

I remember what a relief it was to play with the boy over the road when I was a pre-teen. He was four years younger. Unlike the girls at school, he never criticised my fashion sense, gossiped about me behind my back, or looked down on me. Sure, there were things we couldn't do together, but his friendship was still valuable. Crucially, he could be relied on and trusted.

Saracen, that's great advice, many thanks. You are absolutely right, DD is dreaming of a BFF that may not exist, an idealised persona. I think she is coming to similar conclusion herself. I have told her that even my best friend wasn't a very good friend at times.

Her brother is quite smart for his age: When I was trying to advice DD with tactics, he pointed out that DD is a child, ie. I was giving her grown-up advice. To a certain extent what is going on is too complicated for her to formulate or even understand.

She has had a lovely weekend playing with her brother and the boys next door. She says she wishes the boys went to her school ;) (they are at a religious public school).