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Primary education

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Original poster

What to reply to text from daughter's bully's Mum?

25 replies

trickydickie · 23/01/2015 18:53

Beginning of Dec Dd2 told me a girl in her class (call her Claire) attempted to strangle her that day. Dd2 is 9. There have been a few physical incidents from Claire towards my daughter but this was the most violent!

Phoned the school the next day and reported it. TEacher phoned me back and said she had spoken to Dd2 and Claire. Claire said she had attempted to strangle DD2 and she didn't know why she did it. TEacher told her to apologise which she did.

I explained to the teacher I would like for my daughter to see that Claire has been punished for her actions. Not expelled but possibly kept in a playtime or something like that.

Teacher just said next time it happens!! Claire's parents will be told. After I put the phone down I thought, really the parents should have been told this time as it was a very violent assualt.

Claire's Mum has just text me. She said the school told her today about the incident , well her words are "the school contacted me today re. Claire's behaviour towards being rough with Dd2". (Not sure why the school contacted the Mum today ). Claire's Mum has said she is very disappointed in her daugher's actions, that Claire can give no reason for why she did it. The Mum wants me to tell Dd2 how sorry Claire is that she did it.

I appreciate the Mum didn't have to contact me and that she is acknowledging that her daughter did wrong. Her daugher wasn't just being rough with my daughter, her daughter attempting to strangle her! There is no mention that the daughter has been punished or assured her this won't happen again. The text says that she has told Claire that this behaviour isn't acceptable.

Am I being too hard on the woman. This attack on my daughter happened in the playground in front of all the other children. It wasn't just that she was assaulted, she was humialted, embarrased, degraded. Am I being too hard on the Mum. I had got over it until this text.

Any idea's on what I text back? Thanks.

OP posts:

Nolim · 23/01/2015 18:57

She didnt have to contact you. But she did and you are upset?
If dd did something wrong wouldvyou advertise to all the parties how you dealt with that? It would be embarassing for yoy ddif tou do that.
Let it go.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 23/01/2015 19:03

odd that they have just told her now. unless there have now been other incidents so they have told her about that as well.

I think you are being a bit hard on the mum. I think you ought to acknowledge the apology because she is probably genuinely horrified and we need to imagine how we would feel in her position if she has never observed this kind of behaviour from her child before but equally you don't wish to be drawn into a conversation about it all.

I would probably just reply and say thank you for the apology and that you hope the school is providing help for her daughter to learn not to do this again. or something like that.

LIZS · 23/01/2015 19:03

You don't need to respond . Tbh I think a text inappropriate but maybe I'm just old fashioned. The school have not handled it well if she has only recently found out but it may well be that she only has due to a further problem. A violent 9 yo needs intervention imho but you won't necessarily be privy to that.

Toughasoldboots · 23/01/2015 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsPJones · 23/01/2015 19:13

The mum may not even have the full story, it could be a watered down version of events. I would give the mum credit for getting in touch.

GahLinDah · 23/01/2015 19:15

Is this in two places?

BerylStreep · 23/01/2015 19:19

'Thanks for getting in touch. DD2 was very shaken by the incident. I will pass on Claire's apology.'

Original poster

trickydickie · 23/01/2015 19:21

Gah - I posted in chat and then thought it might not be appropriate there, not sure why, or might not get many replies. so posted here. I've had loads of replies on "chat".

Thanks for replies everyone. I am going out but reply again once back in about an hour.

OP posts:

sammy90 · 23/01/2015 19:35

I would feel that same as you, I would ask the school to keep them apart from each other and make it clear with all teacher that have these two together in classes and for the teachers the teacher in the playground. People may see it as special treatment, I call it keeping my child safe. If I was to the reply to the mum, I would say that you for apologise but I think we will have to come to the agreement of my dd and yours should be kept apart from each other full stop. Because clearly your dd cannot keep her hands to herself and quite extreme if this is the first ever situation to have happen. I do not wish to have my daughter frightened in environment where she is ment to feel safe........
The school have a duty to keep your child safe, they should do their job properly otherwise things just will escalate. I would also question my daughter about other times if there has been.

ghostspirit · 23/01/2015 20:01

i think it was nice of the mum to make contact. alot of parents wont even admit that their kids would do such a thing....

have the children been friends before this. just wondering as the parent had your number so im guessing maybe the girls have been friends?

yetanotherchangename · 23/01/2015 20:11

Personally I'd respond to say: "I appreciate you contacting me and it's great to know that you are taking it seriously. I hope the school are being supportive in helping you deal with it. x"

There's really two issues here - how the school keeps your daughter safe, and how the child's behaviour/issues are dealt with. Obviously the two issues overlap, but really only the first is your concern. It's good that the mother wants to apologise though.

"It wasn't just that she was assaulted, she was humialted, embarrased, degraded" - has your daughter told you she feels like this? If so, your concern is to help her work through this.

I've been through a situation where my DS was regularly (e.g. weekly if not daily) seriously assaulted by another child and he felt unsafe in school. I would have really welcomed some acknowledgement of my child's pain from the mother.

Original poster

trickydickie · 24/01/2015 00:25

yetanother - sorry to hear your child went through that. |Hope it is all resolved now.

The system does seem a bit skewed to me. If a child is hurt in school then they should be afforded protection from the school but they have no right to see/know that the child who hurts/hurt them is punished. An apology just always has to suffice.

I don't really know why I am on my high horse about this as Dd2 is happily playing with other girls now and just trying to stay away from Claire.

OP posts:

PastSellByDate · 24/01/2015 06:50

tricky:

Yes strangling another child is awful....

but - is this kid seeing that at home? did something happen to provoke her - something which really upset her. Did horseplay get out of hand?

I don't know what happened - but this woman has admitted fault, said it was wrong and tried to apologize.

Don't respond if you feel you want nothing more with her.

do respond if you feel showing forgiveness is important, something you believe in.

It's that simple really.

PastSellByDate · 24/01/2015 06:54

Oh what I will say

DD1 was pulled off the bars by an overexcited younger friend who wanted her turn and felt DD1 was hogging the bars.

She was pulled by the legs, fell hard and hit her head on the bars. Spectacular black eye for weeks.

The mother stopped me in the street - whilst I was walking to pick up DD from after school club. Dropped the bomb-shell and profusely apolgized.

It caught me on the hop - so I came out with the pat - 'These things happen' - 'I'm sure it takes two' - (both of which tend to be true) and thanked her for letting me know (school said absolutely nothing to me - even though there was an injury, I didn't even get a slip sent home).

Anyway - we said nothing more - a year later they went on an optional residential trip - had a great time and were fast friends. I genuinely feel now that the girl is a lovely, frequently over-excited kid, that made a mistake.

I hasten to add she now takes it upon herself to organise access to the bars so that it is fair to everybody. She times them and says - times up - X's turn now.

Brightideas · 24/01/2015 07:08

The mum must've been mortified. I'm sure she'll ne doing all she can to ensure that her DD doesn't become physical again. Ultimately, however, she can't promise you that it won't unless she's able to be present at all times. Her Daighter may have a SEN or behavioural / emotional difficulty. I'm sure that her mother lives in dread of such recurrence and works tirelessly to prevent it. It's the school who are responsible for your DD's safety. They should've informed the parents that day, too! I feel for the other mum.

neepsandtatties · 24/01/2015 07:21

That was lovely of the mum to text - so many parents wouldn't acknowledge it/be in denial. You are being very hard on the mum. The daughter has apologised (twice, once via school and once via her mum) so I think you should drop it (unless you have further issues re. keeping your daughter safe at school, in which case take it up with the school).

I don't think its necessary nor appropriate for your daughter to 'see Claire get punished'. That sounds a bit weird tbh.

dragonfly007 · 24/01/2015 07:34

If the incident occurred in Dec and the mum found out in the last week, as a parent it's too late in the day to apply any punishment! The school have not dealt well with this situation

footallsock · 24/01/2015 07:48

Is the girl a bully or was it a one off - huge difference. It was in Dec. it's nearly Feb!!! Let it lie. I would personally text back and say thank you for the text and hopefully it's all resolved now

Original poster

trickydickie · 24/01/2015 10:10

No there have been loads of incidents over the past couple of years (the girl has only been in the school 2 years).

Dd2 other friend's Mum has just phoned and said she spoke to the school yesterday about verbal and physical aggression from Claire to her daughter. This is obviously why school contacted parents yesterday.

Other Mum told me that she has been told from her daughter that Claire is still shoving my daughter against walls!

Hopefully school will deal with this now and actually monitor the girls out in the playground. I think Claire does get carried away, gets angry when girls aren't playing the games she wants and can be rough.

I agree it was honourable of the Mum to apologise to me and Dd2. I have sent a text thanking her for the text.

I will continue to check in with my daughter and if any future incidence's I will put them in writing.

OP posts:

Original poster

trickydickie · 24/01/2015 10:12

footall - definately wasn't a one off incidence. This has been ongoing for 2 years. Claire will calm down for a couple of months and then Dd2 gets quite friendly with her. Then Claire will be aggressive to Dd2 and her other friends so Dd2 backs away from Claire. Repeat, repeat.

Anyhow, hopefully the school will be on top of it and Dd2 will be safe.

OP posts:

NWgirls · 24/01/2015 11:46

Op, in your shoes I would write to the school (HT with copy to class teacher), express serious concern about the repeated and dangerous physical bullying of your DD and other DC by Claire, and ask what they are doing to prevent this in the future. Talk / phone calls can be fobbed off and the content disputed - but letters are taken seriously. Include facts about the incident in Dec. A paper trail will help in case of further incidents - in which case I would not hesitate to escalate to governors if I felt my DD was not safe. Probably the school already takes this seriously enough, but I would not take any chances.

NWgirls · 24/01/2015 11:47

CRH2015 · 24/01/2015 11:58

I can see why you want your daughter to see that violence is punishable. But maybe it has to be enough for her to see that violence is wrong. Just tell her the truth. Tell your daughter that you wish Claire had been punished the first time.

NOT THE SAME but my son hit a girl a while ago and I was scared the girl's mum would bring it up with me. No way would I have texted her!!

My older dd saw the incident and she said that the girl was standing in front of him and not letting him pass, she was taunting him/teasing him for her own fun and then he lashed out and hit her. My son was told off, and that was punishment enough to him. He was so upset that he'd been the one told off. Not saying that this girl Claire will be as upset by a mere telling off, she doesn't sound like it would upset her, but you never know.

admission · 24/01/2015 21:31

The incident happened in early December. I wonder what actually occurred at school over it? Normally the school would on receiving your concerns over the attempted strangulation investigate the incident, no matter what the teacher said to you. The first question for me is the severity of the incident - you only have what your daughter said to go on and I would have expected the school to investigate in the hope that there would be other witnesses to what happened. was there any bruising to the neck for instance.
The fact that the girl's mother has just sent you an email, says to me that the school were unable to substantiate how severe the original attack was but have been keeping a watching brief on the situation. I suspect that something else has happened in the last few days (possibly with another pupil not your daughter) and that the school has called in the other parents where the past misdemeanors have been revealed. Hence her apology.
I would take it at face value and say thanks for the message and hope they get along in the future etc.
I would also ask for a meeting with the class teacher and then if necessary the head teacher to explain that you have just suddenly had this apology and can they explain whether anything else has gone on between the children. You have then put down a clear marker with the school that you know about this and do not expect any other incidents. The one thing you do need to understand is that the school will not disclose to you what punishment if any the other child receives

BerylStreep · 25/01/2015 15:51

There was a girl in DD's school who was so severe in her violence to other children, that the parents threatened to take legal action against the school for their abject failure to adequately deal with it. She would be 9 now, and is now on her 4th school, and has also been barred from countless summer schemes. Your post makes me think of her.

If there is still aggression towards your DD, you need to report it every single time in writing and ask the school what they are going to do to protect your DD.

It is such an extreme act, it would also make me wonder if the school have initiated their child protection policy in relation to Claire.

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