Wallflower children

[fredfredsausagehead1]

My daughter is a little wallflower, conforms to all the rules, is doing well and achieving well, has friends and everyone likes her.

Unfortunately for me as her Mother it's not enough ...a long time ago I was a teacher and experienced these wallflower children. What bothers me most is she never gets chosen for awards, is the last to get a merit (and then the reasons are vague)...pushes herself forward for nothing...

It's never noticed that she is always good, always hardworking, always kind, always helping others, always following the rules and always having to watch the boys who have in the past hurt her and called her names get a big pat on the back.

Anyone else as crazy as me about this?

I also teach primary, and I am not keen for my children to get awards and stickers and certificates. I want them to behave well and achieve because they have an inner drive to do so. I am sure you all do! OP your daughter has the best possible reasons for achieving. Tell her that the stickers are meaningless. They are. I worry when mine come home with stickers, because it often signifies a bribe to stop some type of unwanted behaviour ime. Stickers are for children with less internal drive who need the carrot, or a meaningless exercise in waiting your turn because everyone gets one. don't get me started on attendance awards!

Teacher at last parents eve re my 5 year old: she's extremely well behaved, a role model to the others, listens well, already knows all her sounds...........but............. She's quite quiet.

Me (in my head)......AND?

Good grief, why is it not ok to have a quiet personality? DD is very intelligent and a reflective learner. She has friends, is happy at school. What is the big deal? Why is quietness seen as a negative?

Take a look at Susan Cain's work on introverts. Very inteesting. The TED talks a a good starting point.

Sorry... Went a bit off course there in my excitement at finding this thread.

My dd1 is now 16 and has always been introverted and will not shout people down to be heard.

I've noticed as she's got older some (not all) teachers are prepared to get to know her and listen to her. When I read her reports they're always v good., but a few teachers really seem to have bothered to get the measure of her.

She's not shy just reserved. There is a difference, but because we live in a world that clearly prizes and promotes the spotlight and those who want their ten minutes in it at every opportunity, people with this personality are not noticed so often at school.

I'm always very about teachers who have done the head tilt,she's shy feedback with me. It shows that haven't bothered to listen. Is it actually easier to imply it as a fault in Dds personality rather than admit they can't get the noise level down in class to enable quieter people a chance to be heard? And I say this with some experience as my other two dc by contrast are extremely extrovert. But we've always made sure everyone in the family feels valued and has their voice.

Stickers at every turn are all very well but quickly lose their value if dished out all the time. None of my dc have ever shown much interest in them.

All I can say is that for my dd things have improved as she's got older and being introverted is gradually not being seen in such a negative way.

www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=en

ideas.ted.com/how-to-teach-a-young-introvert/

I know exactly what you mean. My DH is a teacher and he admits the naughty children end up getting the majority of time and attention, it is very difficult for the teacher because they cannot ignore the disruptive element.

My DD goes to a huge comprehensive & I suspect some of her teachers couldn't pick her out in a line up. Fear not, she is sitting pretty on across the board unconditional offers from top universities. The meek shall inherit the earth.

And also yes Primary esp junior school was the absolute worse for overlooking dd. They really were overly invested in the loud is more approach.

I would say it wasn't really until yr9 onwards that things improved. That may also be because dd started to believe in herself and the qualities she has by then, but it took an awful lot of support from us to help her see that. At one point I wondered if she'd ever see it.

It really does grate with me that schools so often don't make more effort with quieter personalities. Instead of saying they should speak up, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get some noisier people to pipe down.

Not sure about the terms wallflower and wallpaper either. I know that it's getting over the idea that such people are unnoticeable but it sounds so bland and from my experience quieter souls are anything but. They can be just as interesting diverse and extraordinary as extroverts sometimes more so. Those that don't trouble to listen to them are missing out.

Never heard the phrase wallpaper children, wallflower seems a much kinder approach at my d sis school they call them -always children-, always doing the right thing etc

My ds was like that, even at scouts he was always forgotten ie the only one to turn up to church every time but never got to carry the standard etc sp i did have the occasional word as it wasnt fair and it did bother him.
Everything changed when he got to secondary and he really flourished.

I'm glad to hear others dcs are thriving as older pupils, i always protest when dd is labelled quiet, she is observing, listening and learning ...for the poster who says other children find it harder to behave so get more awards, perhaps the quiet children are also finding group situations and noise very difficult? I am sure the very best teachers are trained or instinctively realise that you need to keep an eye out for those who don't complain

My ds used ti say he was trying so hard to be good and was disappointed when he was not the stsr of the week etc. Just because it doesnt look like they are making an effort, doesnt mean they arent working really hard at it.

Does anyone else's wallflowers not mind about not being praised and given awards/prizes, because actually, the thought of being made the centre of attention fills them with dread and anxiety?

I could have written the OP - even down to DD sitting back and watching as a small group of children who have teased and hurt her over recent months receive the sought-after weekly award on a regular basis. It is a small class and very easy to keep track of who is recognised in the newsletter and the only other child who has had the award as infrequently as DD is another wallflower/wallpaper child. DD is generally happy at school, has friends and is progressing which is great- but as there does happen to be a reward scheme in place, then of course she will notice when she doesn't get one. I think most 6yo would find it hard to look at the bigger picture and not feel hurt by this.

What on earth is the point of the "pupil of the week" thing if it gets rotated? Surely then all it means is "pupil scheduled to receive an utterly meaningless bit of paper this week"

I realise I am missing the point of the thread - not in the UK, our schools don't have any such concept and it does sound both divisive and pointless!

MrTumbles I agree with you with regards to rotating a list. I used to teach, and I did use to keep a list for the purpose of the coveted weekly reward. But I didn't rotate strictly through the list of children, I used the list as a rough guide to check the coverage of who was receiving the award and how regularly and to try and keep things relatively even- but not an exact science.

I got really angry recently watching DDs class assembly. There were the same group of extrovert children put at the front to sing and read out pieces of their work as there have been at every assembly and play since reception.

DD might be a quite "wallpaper" child, but she's not super shy, just reserved, and she loves to sing and act with her out of school drama group, but her, and the other quieter children are never given a chance. She's actually said to me that at school she thinks she doesn't matter, that only the v v clever children (there are a coulple of truly G&T children in her class) and the naughty ones matter. I feel so sorry for her, she never gets noticed, it's got to the point where if it starts to really affect her I'd consider home schooling. I just hope it doesn't come to that and she's able to come into her own in secondary.

I think a good teacher will always recognise these children. We've been lucky so far with all of DD's teachers. Except one, nearly all of them have rubbished my fearful "is she painfully shy?" questions.

They've all assured me that she is, in fact, "not shy, can talk to an adult Bout what she needs, liked by all, is very self-contained, quietness born from a deference..." I can live with these

They have also acknowledged "there are some loud characters in class who can drown out the others"

What I'm trying to say is if your daughter is happy and content and if the teachers are aware of her work, then relax. You can also ask specifically about her quiet nature at every parent meeting. Its what I did. It forces any teacher worth her salt, to actually think about the child and her behaviour.