Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ok, so when a teacher is telling you off for your child's behaviour ...

45 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 19:08

... what are they looking for from you? Are they hoping to annoy/upset you enough that you'll take it out on your kid? Or what?

I'd welcome a "he's doing this, it seems to be triggered by this, how is he at home with this" sort of conversation, but to be told off by two teachers in succession about a particular (very bad) day, just ends up pissing me off ...

Is there something I need to say to make them stop telling me how bad the behaviour is? Obviously I've had chats with him about it, etc etc etc, obviously I need to know he was horrid, but the conversations were so long and tiresome ...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Spatz · 18/10/2006 12:38

Have you thought about volunteering to listen to reading so you can see what goes on and how he actually behaves in the class? I found it very enlightening to see them in their daily routine.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 12:45

I didn't know you could volunteer to listen to reading ... will ask the teacher when we have the meeting ...

(We also didn't know about the cubbyholes, so missed the reception with the headmaster, and some meetings )

DS1 does tend to "zone out" rather a lot. Thumb in mouth, staring off into space ... I suspect that's the problem, although the cheekiness is another thing altogether.

OP posts:

Bink · 18/10/2006 12:52

How does ds1 react when you tell him off (for cheekiness, eg)? Because there is another tactic:

One of our big tellings-off was from the teacher of ds's after-school chess club - ds was messing around, not listening, getting stroppy about thinking he was about to lose (even tipped the board over once) - so we called ds over and I did the serious talk to him in front of the chess teacher. I do know how to get through to ds, and he's pretty good about caring what I think - that seemed to help everyone: ds realised we were serious, chess teacher was mollified, & also could pick up some ideas of how to deal with ds.

Spatz · 18/10/2006 12:53

My DD laughed the other day when I was telling her off and it is absolutely infuriating. When she was 1 she used to tip her head back, close her eyes and make snoring noises when I was cross - that made me laugh though!

My DS has just started nursery 3 days a week and after over 5 years full-time with two children I finally have some head space and they suddenly seem such babies. It has made me more understanding and less cross when they behave badly and they are consequently behaving better. I really expect professionals to act in the same way and I think the post that mentioned praise rather than telling off is very sensible. I do think schools can have high expectations of very small children. I am dreading DS starting - sitting still is something he really is not capable of and I think the school system is currently failing boys. It expects them to conform rather than teaching to their strenghts. They really are very young. Goodness, blah over!

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 12:59

Hmm, yes, telling him off in front of them sounds good. I just was stuck in this loop where two different people were telling me off at great length, almost as if they expected me to say "oh, we don't expect him to listen" or "oh, we've taught him to laugh at people who tell him off ... it's a good way to defuse the situation". Or maybe they were waiting for me to laugh at them?

OP posts:

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 13:00

Oh, and yes, recognising the positive is definately missing, well, I have been told when he was particularly good at school. It's quite difficult to spot someone listening well, it's not a natural thing to notice, iyswim.

I'll have to be more explicitly positive about him doing what he's told, which, tbh, he does most of the time at home, anyway.

OP posts:

danceswiththedevil · 18/10/2006 13:03

Ok, I'm going to say this..

I'm a infant teacher and sometimes the problem can be bigger than just your child. Often if a child is not concentrating or listening it they will, as a result, be distracting other children, talking, fidgeting etc etc. Now I am NOT saying NotQuiteCockney that this is necessarily the case with your ds but maybe? As a teacher you are responsible for the education of THIRTY children in your class. It can be very frustrating when the behaviour of a few children is changing the atmosphere in the classroom (again NQC not saying this is necc. your child) As a parent I fully understand how my child is top of my priority but as a teacher I also have to think of the other 29 children in my care. If the teacher is talking to you about your child's behaviour it is probably because they want your back up them up at home. You have obviously taken on board what they have said but some parents will not have it that 'darling percival' could ever misbehave and blame it on the school or expect the school to miraculously 'fix it'.
What I'm trying to say is that although this teacher has clearly annoyed you, sometimes it might help to put yourself in the teacher's seat.
Again, no attack on any one child, just putting across a point of view.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 13:07

dwtd, I totally agree re: disrupting the class - I told DS1, when he said that he only had two teachers annoyed at him, that I thought his classmates were also probably annoyed.

I totally agree that his behaviour is a problem, and I should absolutely be told about these things!

I'm only unhappy that I seem to be being told off about it. A line of "We've had some real problems with Magnus, this is what happened, could you talk to him about it" would be better than going on and on about how bad it was, that various things were naughty etc etc.

I guess a certain part of all this is for DS1's consumption, convincing him that it is a real problem etc etc. He certainly didn't seem to be taking it very seriously when he left school yesterday, although his behaviour had apparently improved. I'm hoping the conversations with me will have helped.

OP posts:

danceswiththedevil · 18/10/2006 13:10

Was DS at the meeting?

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 13:53

DS1 was there, it was at the school gate, really.

I am trying to arrange a meeting with no kids, if I can.

OP posts:

danceswiththedevil · 18/10/2006 16:57

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Well I can pretty much guarantee that 90% of it was actually for your ds's benefit then! Alot of children think that parents and teachers NEVER talk to each other so it was probably a bit of a 'making a point' session too.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 17:05

Well, we had a chat today, in the school yard again, but without DS1 underfoot, and it went much better. I made clear I want to sort things out (Spatz - I do wonder whether they demand too much, but I figure, we'll give their style and methods a go, and see if it works for DS1). His teachers were both quite reasonable about it, particularly when they realised that of course I care that he's disrupting the class etc etc. I guess I just got used to his old nursery teacher, who I got on with v well, and expected to transfer that relationship, magically.

OP posts:

danceswiththedevil · 18/10/2006 17:52

Hooray! I'm glad things went better

roisin · 18/10/2006 19:19

Sounds positive - great that you are all agreed you're on the same page, not working against each other.

And I just have to say that Bink's post of 10:38:54 "situation-management" is fantastic.

Spatz · 18/10/2006 19:56

I'm so glad it went well - I do think you would get some reassurance talking to Y1 parents who have stuck it out and come through it! The mums of boys were often being called for little talks at the end of the day and alot of it was for the benefit of the child not to chasten the parent!!

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 20:31

Hmm, the only person I know from Y1 is a German woman, two boys. She's nice, I think, but not very outgoing.

I'm sure I'll get to know Y1 folk.

I keep meaning to start organising our class more - I want a yahoo group, and I want to do outings. Sad, eh?

OP posts:

Spatz · 18/10/2006 20:40

We had outings and someone organised a class list so we had names and addresses of all other children. I really miss the school gate and the other parents - they were great!

I know the mum you mean, but there is a really lovely one with 3 boys, whose son sounds very similar to yours. They've come through it!! She has two younger boys and is fairly young with dark hair - she's very friendly and would reassure you I'm sure.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 21:46

Yes, I have the class list, but I want an email group, I'm lazy that way.

I'll have to start collecting up all the email addresses, I guess.

I'll look out for her, she doesn't ring any bells, but I'm sure I'll spot her. Are the kids dark or blond?

OP posts:

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 21:47

(Hmm, and do I walk up and say "my imaginary friend tells me you have had discipline problems with your DS1?" Hmmm.)

OP posts:

Spatz · 18/10/2006 22:03

I might be imaginary to you, but I'm not to me

Her kids are also dark - the boy in Y1 is quite tall and the parents describe him as the missing link!

Just go up and ask her advice - she's lovely

Flip

1 2