Always the same kids picked for everything throughout school

[Brighteyes27]

My DS is in year 6 at a large competitive primary school. Our DS has always had his hand up and volunteered for everything going since year 1. He has tried for football, rugby, cricket, basketball, tri-golf, school council, athletics etc etc but to no avail. The school normally has two teams for most things and he has never been picked for anything at all. The school usually do well in most events so those picked are clapped in assembly, have their photos taken for the news letter and newspaper, have time off school for various events and swagger around the playground in sports clothes eating sweets or lollies (in hot weather) bought by the school and are sort of hero worshipped by my DS, the other boys in the class and the school.

We are not naive and don't believe he is the best footballer or the fastest runner, he is probably middling and more academic than sporting but he does enjoy sport, is well behaved, works hard at school and is still keen to represent his school in his final year. Even if he was picked as a reserve he would have been absolutely over the moon. He once even said why do they always pick the badly behaved children to represent the school? As parents we haven't intervened, have taught him to not give up, advised him to keep trying and reminded him of all his good qualities and encouraged these. He has a couple of interests out of school but his confidence is low due to this. Any ideas how to help? Last year a few kids cottoned on to the fact that he had never been picked for anything and teased him about this. We told him to ignore this but he often dwells on this and gets upset about it at home.

Oh god yellowdaisies that's a horrible story. Your poor ds. But the duke of Edinburgh award is a far better achievement than winning a poxy year 6 match so good luck to him.

Goodness Brighteyes, how awful. I feel very sorry for your son. I am appalled by that teacher's attitude. Surely the school is not giving itself the opportunity to spot hidden talent? At my son's school all competitive sports have at least three teams (A-C), this allows everyone to take part in competitions. Consistently good performance earns promotion to the next team. Indeed, I know of a boy at his previous school who, at the beginning of one year, started playing football in the E Team, and by the end of the year he had worked his way up to the B Team.

I do think you should speak up for your son. If the PE teacher remains unchallenged then attitudes will not change and your son and other children will continue to miss out. It's not right. Perhaps, as suggested by previous posters, go above the PE teacher? I, too, hate to put my head above the parapet but I find in instances like this it is important to advocate for your son. It may not lead to a place on a team but at least he will know you are fighting his corner.

Definitely write to or email the school.

I work in a school and would be horrified with that situation.

Same thing happened to my dd throughout her school career. Picked for the netball team once as a reserve and was really excited but the game was cancelled and she was never picked again. Sh wasn't 'good' at sports but she loved it however she gradually became less and less interested and I think it did undermine her confidence. Most of her friend were in one team or another and so played other schools and it was all a bit cliquey.

I've been having a very similar conversation with dd2 in year 5. Always the same children picked for sports and plays Argh.

I've spoken to the chair of governors about it as it's Dh but he finds it difficult to bring up things that involve our own children

callmegeoff I think you should point out to your dh that he wouldn't just be speaking up for his dcs, he'd be speaking up for all the other kids at school who get left out.

Yes your right of course

I'm so sorry for your DS - and you - over this. I don't know what it is about a lot of PE teachers, but in my and my siblings/nephews & nieces/DHs family experience, they don't seem to get that even children who aren't naturally gifted can still enjoy participating in sports and that their job is to teach and support ALL pupils, not intensively coach the few naturals.

My other hate is PE teachers who appoint two children to pick the teams. Nothing more self-esteem destroying than being the last child standing there with neither team wanting you. Teachers should assign children to teams randomly and never allow another child - especially the best in the class - to pick among their class mates.

I honestly don't think that some people who are really good at sport don't understand what it's like for those who aren't and especially those who aren't naturals, but are keen and might just be good with a bit of encouragement.

There's nothing else that so actively excludes children - even with primary school plays, you may not get to be Mary, but you can at least be a snowflake or a shepherd or something (secondary schools are a nightmare with this one... same 10 kids every time).

Callmegeoff - My DH is chair of governors - if I'm really annoyed by something, I write a very formal email to him about it and cc the HT. That way he is somehow separate from it all and can say he's received and email about it rather than go in saying 'my child'. (Not that it ever has been about DD, rather about things that aren't DDA compliant and very easily could be.)

Bright I agree with Span about small school. My dd1 didnt want to do sports any way but she always wanted to have a small part on the stage for Xmas especially when she was in yr6 as being the last opportunity. She went to auditions and put her hand up again and again but constantly being over look. She didn't mind just be a flower or a tree really all she wanted was being on the stage. So I decided we just not to go to any of the yr 6 performances. My dd2 now is in small school and she seems to be given more opportunity for various things. Although not every single thing she wants but at least some.

oh yes my kids' primary was like this - they picked the boys who already had the kit and were good at the sport to represent the school and they would swagger around shoving at people.
Just lovely.

I think you should write to school, even if it is as a 'leaving present'

dcs school makes a big effort to involve lots of kids in these things. At primary school it should be as much about commitment and effort as success.

dd1 is in the school football club. She has never missed a training session. She has 2 left feet and is afraid of the ball. She is keen and well behaved.
She told me last night that they are going to play 2 matches and that coach has said they will all get to play, except 3 boys, 2 because of behaviour, and 1 because he has just joined the club.

I was delighted for her. She is never going to play for any team for anything once they select only on ability.

Ds plays for a football club out of school. They are not the best club, more of a B team. The coach tries to give all the boys a go in matches. If you turn up to training on Thursday, you are much more likely to get a go in the match on Sat/Sun. (even if you only play for 10 mins) This seems to me to be fair.

we did have this a bit with class reps. They have to chose representatives for the schools council, the eco committe etc. It was the same kids being chosen every year.

It was a hard one as they were voted by kids, but they 3/4 kids chosen are nice kids, just very popular. No-one else ever got a chance to try it, or to show they could do it.

I am a governor. I challenged it and it took a bit of effort to get the teachers and head to understand the issue But my suggestion was simply that if you did that job last year, you can't do it this year and that no child can do more than one job. That should mean that more kids are involved each year and that the jobs change round a bit.
They agreed and it is now much fairer.

they don't seem to get that even children who aren't naturally gifted can still enjoy participating in sports and that their job is to teach and support ALL pupils, not intensively coach the few naturals.

^This. I agree with elfontheshelf. There are some PE teachers out there who think that teaching school sport is a stepping stone to managing in the Premiership and behave accordingly.

No wonder we have a child obesity problem when enthusiastic children are put off in this way. I'm not saying that the unsporty but keen should have a regular place on the A team, but many posters have described ways in which everybody who wants to can get involved. I think you should complain about this by going over the teacher's head OP. I wouldn't worry about being labelled as "that mother", you only have two terms left anyway and at least your son will know that you stood up for him.

its hard because ideally all children would shine in different areas. but usually it does seem unfair and i would expect children who are shy of talking being helped by being given talking parts and so on.

feedthebirds - the thing is, that as a school you can respond to kids who want to do it. So, in my example above, dd1 is keen, turns up to club and tries, so she gets a chance to play a match. Those who don't want to don't come to club.

Same with plays etc. dd2 in year 1 did a class assembly which was a play, the teacher asked the children what they wanted to do. Some wanted speaking parts, some, even quite surprising kids, didn't. (Obviously there is some space there for encouragement to have a go etc) Then she gave out parts, every child was in the play, everyone who wanted a talking part got one. Most kids had about 4 lines to say.
For the shy ones, being on stage was enough of a challenge.

School needs to re-think.

I will add my two pennies worth as a dad who not particularly good at football etc at school. Whether your son is picked or not, he will get over it in time. Life can be tough and unfair, one cannot be good at everything. Yes if my DS was in the same boat, I would be talking straight to the PE teacher but also as well I would be seeking remedies such as coaching. Is there another sport outside of school your DS could be trying out? Also I wish to add that the smuggest most sporty of boys in my year who we compared to Daley Thompson the athelete did not turn out a super success. When I saw him as an adult he was a foot shorther than me and looked a total geek, nice guy in the end though

I do agree that not being picked can teach kids to be resilient. However never giving a kid a chance is mean spirited.

I think you need to point out to these schools that they are funded to EDUCATE the children and not to win at sports. All children should be learning about how to be part of a team, about fair play and sticking to the rules etc. They are not running a sports club. They are supposed to be TEACHING in a SCHOOL.
In my opinion they have a legal duty to ensure all children receive a sports related education, not just a few.
This like teaching maths to those children who are good at maths and ignoring everyone else.

It's not very inclusive is it? More survival of the fitest. It sounds like the pe teacher is extremely competitive and this does a disservice to the schools ethos.

Thanks all. Some very similar very sad stories on here and lots of support and suggestions. Apologies for the long rant - today didn't go well. DH phoned and PE teacher unavailable so spoke to class teacher (Today DS also spoke to PE teacher privately asking if he could maybe please still try out for the team as maybe he PE teacher didn't realise he'd had his hand up and was keen to take part earlier in the week etc). The upshot was PE teacher obviously pissed off was then joined by the class teacher and they both had a go. By the time I realised where the conversation was heading it was too late. I should have said lets not have this conversation now etc. Instead i naffed it up. Tried to reasonably request that DS be given a fair chance to try out for a place alongside others (the sporting regulars) but was completely dismissed. I would have said more than I did but with DC's present (both feeling uncomfortable) and we had an appointment after school.

I know life is hard and we can't always fight kids battles for them. Which is why I encouraged DS to speak to the PE teacher on his own if he got the chance. We always encouraged our DCs to try hard, try not to get disheartened, maybe wait until next year/next term, focus on their strengths etc. DS does football and a less traditional activity out of school (this latter activity/opportunity this week just happens to be one of them and still he was ignored).

I feel like telling school to just shove it and that the PE Teacher and class teacher aren't good enough to wipe my DS's arse etc but it won't do DS any good. They are only interested in massaging their own egos, the egos of the sporting elite and cluttering up the trophy cabinet whilst disregarding and trampling on the egos and self esteem of my son and others. That school just closes ranks. DH says he is phoning again tomorrow I am better keeping out of it as DH better at negotiations than i am and I am too upset and annoyed. But I may write to OFSTED as a leaving present as suggested. I have told DS I love him and that he is worth 10 of the (petty minded power crazed) PE teacher and the (badly behaved big headed big mouthed) kids who alway get picked in his class. Tonight off his own bat DS has decided to try to win a more academic school challenge but I think he still feels upset at loosing out.

Don't phone. Write it down and send it. Then you may try the conversation. Leave a tracked record behind you. Complaining and making a written statement won't hurt your son. They may not like him, but they will be more careful.
It sounds horrible. Well done for backing him up.

Your description of the pe teacher sounds just like a teacher at another school in our town. Hes extremely competitive and pushy. He actually got suspended for a while but nothing stuck unfortunately.
This putting your hand up system of volunteering is bollocks. It gives him of way of ignoring people. My ds's school ask kids to write their names on a sheet on a noticeboard. Kids have been known to rub other kids' names off but the teacher deals with that firmly.
Tbh I don't think you will get much success but you must say something to the head. I strongly suggest your ds does something outside of school to build his confidence and distract him from this nonsense. Martial arts are great because everyone can get a sense of achievement.

I would write to the Chair of the governers and cc the letter to the headteacher explaining the situation . We had much the same at a small independent and eventually moved our dd .