Stressful situation-is this normal?

[SuiGeneris]

DS is in reception in a friendly school that we picked when he was a baby because of its inclusive ethos.

Last term there were some instances where he was unkind to other kids, we made a plan with the teacher, behaviour chart seemed to work. Tonight I have another note from the teacher saying two other parents reported playground incidents which must have taken place either on one of the three mornings he was at school this week or yesterday afternoon, so either our nanny or DH would have been there. Is it normal for these other parents to go to the teacher rather than (a) speak to DH/nanny or (b) say something to DS directly?

Also, how can I do anything about it if I am not told when/who was involved? I spoke to both DS and nanny (who is brilliant) and neither had any idea what the incidents might have been. Our nanny is very good on behaviour management and would not have ignored DS hitting someone else.

Is this what happens in your schools? I find this very stressful, could not even concentrate on the bedtime stories tonight because I was concerned about whether we are being/will be asked to find a new school etc.

Yes, it is normal for parents to talk to the teacher if there are playground incidents. The teachers are responsible for looking after all of the children at school and they need to be made aware of any problems. It's also best to go through a third party rather than challenge parents or other people's children directly. Can lead to emotional scenes!!

Have you asked your DS what he thinks it might be about? At that age my DC were endearingly honest (my DD explained that she just liked punching!). Cue lots of discussion about how it felt to be punched etc etc, and the purchase of a punchbag and boxing gloves (really).

Definitely don't worry about being asked to find a different school. DC in Reception are very young and some take a little longer to settle in. Hope it works out.

Do you mean they happened before or after school whilst his dad or nanny and other parents were there, if so I think the other parents should have said something at the time. If not the parents are definitely right to go through the teacher, parents should never speak to another child about incidents.

If it happened in school, then yes normal for parents to comment to teacher, especially if it wasn't the first time. You won't be told who the other child is ( though of course as kids get older they can tell you ). School will want to deal internally to start with and then bring you in if they see a larger issue/pattern.

In case you are still in doubt: Yes, from painful experience, these kinds of things should, and normally do go, via the teacher! You should hopefully be able to get some more specific info about the time and behaviour. Try to remain calm, open-minded and constructive even when you feel upset.

It's absolutely appropriate for the other parents to speak to the teacher about it, rather than coming directly to you or speaking to ds. At all the schools I've worked in, it was what we encouraged parents to do. It gives the school a chance to try and resolve the situation by talking to all the children together, or by intervening at playtimes etc.

Trust me Sui - far less stressful for you to hear it calmly from a teacher than to have an irrate parent confront you in a parking lot (which happened to us).

I think the key thing is in whatever dispute it always takes two - and although it isn't impossible, the likelihood is that your child didn't out of the blue attack another child - it's usually a dispute over something they both want to play with or a disagreement about what to play that over heats.

My advice is tell yourself it's just one of those things - ensure that your child wasn't out and out in the wrong - try to convey to your child that you understand his/ her anger but acting on it isn't a good idea - and encourage more constructive behavior (suggesting they play with it for 5 minutes and then he can have it back) or alternative solutions (going to a teacher or playground buddy to resolve dispute).

Finally - do be aware that some children 'tell tales' - for all sorts of reasons (often to avoid being in trouble themselves). Parents gut instinct is to wholly believe their child is the innocent party - but kids will be kids - and somewhere along the line your kid will be involved in a dispute (verbal or otherwise).

I think the trick is to not blow things out of proportion (for yourself or the child) but to ensure your child understands what behaviour you do and do not approve of. I also think it is very important you don't end up in a cycle of giving your child lots of attention when they're involved in something like this - and none when they're well behaved.

Tiggy my DD2 was accused of 'irreperably scarring' a little girl in nursery. She very definitely had scratched her face.

She was not yet 4 at the time and not really able to explain what had happened. It was a big bruh ha ha at the nursery at the time - and the parent of the injured child insisted my DD was kept separate from her child at all times (which the nursery tried their best to comply with).

When DD2 was 5 and we were inviting friends to her first 'big' birthday party she mentioned inviting the girl who she had 'irreparably scarred'.

I said sweety I don't think her Mummy will allow that. (The mummy had gone slightly postal and screamed at my DH in the car park for about 30 minutes about this until staff split them up - I hasten to add DH had just arrived was repeatedly asking can you explain what happened? and the woman wouldn't even engage.)

Dd2 said Mummy I didn't just scratch her - she asked me to and I asked her to scratch me (she showed me a little scar on her wrist) - so that we could always remember each other because she was going off to primary school and I was staying at nursery.

Sometimes the issue is young children can't explain what's going on - it isn't random.

Thank you for this. Interesting to read other perspectives, now def feel less under special watch. Fingers crossed next week will go well.