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Do I bite my tongue and grow thick skin or ..... ( long ish and ranty in places!)

20 replies

mrspink27 · 13/10/2006 13:18

NOT!

I bow to the power of Mumsnet for giving me advice on what I should do in the situation I have found myself in this morning.
Basically, dd1 (June birthday)started in reception in September of very nice pre prep school. We agonised long and hard about whether to send her or to keep her at home for another year, and indeed agonised over which school we should send her to. The main reason for this is that dd appeared to be very bright ( I say this advisedly) and was already reading level 7 Oxford reading tree, doing amazing things with numbers and writing fairly well. We had meetings with the school prior to her start and they assured us that they would be able to cope with dd and stimulate/extend her in their Reception classes.
Having settled on this school we set out to make the best of it. Unfortunately all the children in DD's class came up from the nursery and so knew each other as did all the parents. The same appears to be true of the other 2 class R's, with only 1 or 2 newcomers. The class rep held a picnic before the start of term as a get to know you exercise, which was a lovely idea. I am not great with new people and felt very uncomfortable at this gathering as I obviously was not party to much of the others shared history. I have continued to find it tricky and don't as yet really speak to many people at drop off and pick up.
Anyway, it has become clear that despite the best efforts of the fantastic class teacher that dd was totally bored and under performing. We approached the teacher on Tuesday after school and, on the advice of the NAGC (National Association of
Gifted Children) asked what the end of year outcomes were for DD. The teacher explained that dd had had a baseline assessment and had scored VERY highly and was working easily at year 1 level and that she had been giving dd year1 work to do in Maths and English. However she was concerned that dd wasnt getting the approriate language and extension questioning which would be going on around her all the time in a y1 class. She suggested that dd went into y1 for their literacy and numeracy lessons but stay in Reception for everything else. We then went to discuss this with the head of pre prep who said that even though she was young in the year she felt it would be better for dd to move up into y1 on a trial basis until half term, which she felt was a real advantage of the independent sector. Which is what has happened. She started on Wednesday and for the first time since she started, has come home full of the events of the day.
Y1 children go to the local leisure centre to swim. Our turn was this morning. The children swim in two groups, dd was in the first group, which then wait around with the mothers of the second group until all are finished and ready to go back to school. As we were waiting I was suddenly aware of eyes on me and my daughters name being mentioned. I looked around and saw a group of 5 mothers all listening to another mother, basicvally moaning about the fact that dd had been moved up (she also has a child in the reception class as well as y1) that she was so young in the year, that she was never going to cope, how her birthday wasnt till June, that she hadnt been at the school 5 minutes, she wouldnt cope socially, how outrageous it was that our demands had been met, how small she is compared to the other children, how it was almost 2 years difference between dd and some children and so on and so on.... I was REALLY that she was speaking with such animosity. I suspect that she knew I could hear as she kept catching my eye. I just wanted to run over to her and confront her.... not quite the done thing at a very naaaice pre prep!
I was standing next to dd's class teacher and couldnt think of anything else to do but tell her and ask her what she thought I should do... her reply was to grow an elephant type skin and ignore it.
It is pick up at 3.30 and I really want to know whether I should approach this woman and say something along the lines of... how dare you speak about us like this ... (perhaps social suicide!) or if you have any issues about the move up please speak to the teacher or me (better?) or whether to wait for a class social gathering where undoubtledly she'll be as nice as pie or to ignore it and accept the bitching as a fact of life. I was so and and all at once.... WHat do I do????

Thankyou for reading!! If you are still here, and not asleep!
Oh and if the mother in question happens to be a MNer... up yer bum you old bag!

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MamaGhoul · 13/10/2006 13:21

Lol at last sentence!!

Tough one. I think I'd say something, I would get madder and madder every time I saw her if I didn't - but then I'm not the most tactful of people.

TwigTwoolett · 13/10/2006 13:23

No I would approach her with a sweet smile on your face and say somethign along the lines of

"Oh I overheard you discussing DD this morning .. yes I am so very worried about her social development but unfortunately reception class was just boring her. It is so difficult when they are so ahead of the class in terms of G&T .. the head and teachers all agreed this would be best for her but we obviously had concerns .. and educationally we can make it work but socially I'm very concerned .. what do you think I should do about that?"

smile very sweetly .. listen and pretend she is potentially the one who could make all the difference

you get further with honey then ire

Pinotmum · 13/10/2006 13:23

I just gloat in her presence. Rise above it and piss on her from on high

TwigTwoolett · 13/10/2006 13:25

"do you think as you have a child in reception and year 1 our children might be able to get together after school for a playdate to help her settle? ... what are you doing weds next weeek .. oh you can't make it .. when are you free?"

TwigTwoolett · 13/10/2006 13:26

you have to subjugate your own feelings of ire in an attempt to help your DD settle in better and make friends .. she's in a difficult enough social situation in the first place .. if you can rise above it you really have to

Marina · 13/10/2006 13:26

She sounds rude, horrible and possibly envious MrsPink.
I think the teacher's advice was good though - one has to grow a thick skin at the school gates.
Did the teacher hear anything of this for herself do you think?
Because, although I really hope this won't happen, you might need to prepare yourself for this woman encouraging her child to ostracise yours - whether she does it deliberately or subtly by refusing playdates.
The school must accept and have a strategy in place for supporting your dd in Year 1 socially and if any problems you face are triggered by spiteful parents egging on their children then the school may have to intervene.
Good luck

mrspink27 · 13/10/2006 13:28

In dds new class she is one of only 4 girls, this woman's child is not one of these and fortunately my dd thinks boys are the spawn of satan at the moment so a playdate is ruled out! I really want to know if she is a serial bitcher at the gate but dont know any other parent well enough to find out. I would love to approach her Twig, but I just don't think I could pull it off in a serene enough fashion, without wanting to tell her to p*$$ off and mind her own business!

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mrspink27 · 13/10/2006 13:30

Thanks Marina, she is fairly self contained and doesnt appear to need friends. Although she was playing with the girls from y1 anyway before she was moved and has actually asked if another child can come toplay once we have moved(just another little stress in our lives!)The class teacher was aware that there was a conversation going on and knew who I was talking about!

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diNOLOOKINGOVERYOURSHOULDERsau · 13/10/2006 13:31

How upsetting, mrspink. She's obviously just madly madly jealous, but really, how dreadful for you to have to cope with that sort of mother.

I do think that Twig is right, you have to (somehow) rise above it for dd's sake.

Blimey, glad we're in the state sector, where the DSs can be put in literacy and numeracy groups years above them and nobody bats an eyelid (and the other parents never need to know a thing about it).

joelallie · 13/10/2006 13:40

silly jealous woman! Perhaps she feels that as she's paying she could get better service and the school is not giving her value for money by not making her child as G&T as yours

I think that ignore would be best unless you hear her giving our her delightful opinions again. How were the other parents reacting to this? If it's just her it isn't going to be a problem - if it's more parents with similar parents it might be more difficult for your DD.

BTW congrats on having such a brilliant child... I can only dream

3sEnough · 13/10/2006 13:51

You're sensibly making the most of the opportunities afforded by the independant sector - the lady opposite however is teaching her child that being rude and a nasty gossip is the way to get on in life - I doubt if all the Mum's she was talking to felt the same though so I wouldn't worry - rise above it, don't stoop to her level and just be yourself - a jolly nice person! We are going to do the same with our ds except that he will go down a yr (late Aug boy) and I fully expect the odd comment - I shall try to smile and not punch them or cry!

Cackle · 13/10/2006 13:55

We are new in a prep school for just the same 'flexible learning' reasons. Our ds moving up a class for literacy and numeracy have meant social death for us. The only brightside is that my ds is now full of endless chitchat about his day and is v.happy with his new school.

What a lot of the cliquey mums don't seem to have realised yet is that we originally moved schools to allow for our Summer birthday older boy to be kept back a year. Whilst he cope with his peer group [just] an extra year at age 10 will really help him in his teenage years. As he is new to the school, the penny hasn't dropped yet that he is 2 weeks over the normal age limit for the year.

I am hoping that as news of my elder sons 'demotion' spreads, my younger sons 'promotion' may be forgotten.

As for the thick-skin....it will develop. I just make a point to always be smily and friendly to the worst gossipers - really narks them,

Bink · 13/10/2006 13:55

I think she sounds mad, truly. There must be a screw missing to harp about someone else's child when that someone else is standing right there. I can't think of anyone I know who'd do that (and, as I've mentioned elsewhere, I've got a moved-up dd). No-one at our school has ever been anything but lovely to, & about, my dd.

I don't think it matters what that particular woman's agenda is, as it is so obviously off the scale of rationality, so yes re her you should just grow five extra skins; but what about the other four mothers who were listening to her? At least one or two of those will have been squirming with shame at her and concern for you. I think it is worth getting to know them? - as if they are not her Creatures (as they can't possibly all be) they are probably ready-made allies for you.

mrspink27 · 13/10/2006 14:15

Thanks everyone, not the most confident person at the best of times, and this whole business makes me feel even less so, got in the car to take dd back to school and must admit to shedding a quiet tear! I was just starting to feel a bit less isolated as the new 'girl' at the gate and the move up means a new start for me as well as dd, said to dh this morning, will never have any school mum friends at this rate! Thanks for your rational comments which make a lot of sense.
Cackle I fear that dd2 who is an August bday may be demoted/held back so maybe will experience it from both ends!

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mrspink27 · 13/10/2006 14:17

Just remembered as well that this mother walks her dog in the woods behind the school and a few weeks into term I asked her whether anyone could exercise their dog their and she said "ooh yes there are quite a few of us doggers out there!"

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Panyanpickle77 · 13/10/2006 14:19

I always find it is best to be blunt with this type of person. I recently had to deal with someone like this. She had written all sorts of vile things about my dd (also 4, and also June 02) on a website, which I had access to. I spoke to her privately, but made no bones about my feelings towards her. She did'nt know what to say, and admitted she was a very jelouse person, and she actually envied me/my dd and thats why she had written such horrible things. Don't let her make you feel like you have to question your parenting. She obviously has a LOT of issues, and you are an easy target to distract from her own "Issues". Whatever you do, good luck, and stand your ground.

mrspink27 · 13/10/2006 14:32

Thanks Mrsaek, I know the adult thing is to ignore it, but i'd love to confront her ever so sweetly. Will make sure I am standing very close to her at pickup time and smiling very broadly!

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Panyanpickle77 · 13/10/2006 14:40

I'd find out when she walks her dog (or goes dogging lol!) and "accidentally" bump into her. I bet she won't be so arrogant then! Keep it private, and she'll have nowhere to run! (oooooooh I sound like a nutter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (or someone with her finger stuck on the exclamation mark!)

Panyanpickle77 · 13/10/2006 14:43

or you could get your own back in a less obvious way...............................ask someone if the rumour about her dogging is trus, and watch is spread like wildfire (cue maniacal laughter hahahhahahahhahahhahahahyyyfygygyyaaaaaaaaarrrrgghhhhhhhhaaaaa......and really bad spelling)

mrspink27 · 13/10/2006 14:47

am off to wake dd2 up, but will update tonight on how it went!

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