being picky about friends ...?

[Bink]

This is an odd one which I haven't come across before on here, so can you help?

Ds is 7 & in year 3. Last year he had two very special friends, who've both left the school, sadly. This year he has one friend (Z), who he became friends with rather gradually at the end of last school year. He desperately misses the two friends who've left, and says there is no-one (other than Z) that is "the right sort of person" for him to be friends with. He can't explain further than that, but he'll say that he doesn't think he can be friends with X because he eats with his mouth open, or with Y because she likes playing a game that involves singing a silly song ...

I asked him if this lack of "right people" was making him feel a bit lonely and he burst into tears.

What would you say or do?

I'd go out of my way to arrange some playdates / no-reason parties for DS with invitations for as wide a cross-section of potential friends as possible

I would start off by making it 1 other child as any combination of 3 or more ensures that a child can be left out

I'd even talk to other parents and let them know my concerns and ask if their child could come round to play

sorry .. it must be tough for you to deal with .. but maybe with a little bit of help he can get past his initial concerns and get to the real person underneath?

Oh, this is a hard one bink.
Ds can come out with seemingly trivial reasons for not wanting to play with classmates (he laughed at my shorts is an all-time classic).
Is your ds receptive to, "Why do you think he might have done that?" type conversations?
I never say to ds "well you are a twit to let that bother you", obviously, but sometimes talking through what makes classmates bumptious/teasing/downright annoying can help him see the bigger picture.
but I suspect that from what you have said about your ds in the past that he is innately more distressed by odd behavioural quirks in others and there is actually not much you can do. Poor chap .
Ds had a real kindred spirit pal who left last term, but very luckily for us, Year 3 has coincided with a real shift in how class activities and homework are managed, and this has given him the confidence to shrug off some of the teasing he gets from one child in particular.

I am still traumatised by seeing one child in my class eat custard! She went on to be a teacher iirc. I think losts of play dates and maybe some outside activities where he can meet "like minded persons" may help him.

Thank you! - instant MN perspective, as always. Things you have made me realise:

1. His idea of friendship is "soulmates" not "mates". Probably has s'thing to do with how he gets on with dd, which is quite soulmate-y. I guess this is fine (some people just are this way, aren't they?), but it is going to make school tougher for him than for kids who are less emotionally engaged.

1. He habitually notices the negative things about people first. I am going to make a game of getting him to spot nice things about people (without insisting he play with them - just as an observational game).

1. Lots more playdates, which are short and fun, to support 2 above.

bink - almost this exact thing happened to my DS#1 last year. His best mate left right at the beginning of the year - he was bereft and for ages had quite a miserable time - I'm sure it contributed to his general problems TBH. I wouldn't hesitate to use the word 'soulmate' for them - they were very close and so similar in many way - even now when they get together they are instantly happy and as if they've never been apart. He has found another best mate at school but it's not the same. However he does play with other children as well.

I would echo the advice given earlier about inviting children back singly. Anyone who he seems vaguely interested in. I've found that once children have a school friend in their own home environment they get on fine - they feel in charge IYKWIM and so things go well. And a child whose been to another one's house has a connection with them once they are back at school. Perhaps his noticing of the negative is his way of feeling more confident.

Thank you batters and joelallie! - sorry not to have seen yours before.

I was popping back in to recommend the game of "tell me one nice thing about [random name]" - it turns out that child X shuffled back on the carpet to let ds in, without being asked; and child Y (who has been out of school a lot, so is behind in the syllabus) helps ds unpack in the morning (he is super-disorganised) and then in break he helps Y by doing word games. I said, So, you must be getting to be a little bit friends with Y? And he said he was.