DD too quiet in class - why is that always a negative?

[flowermother]

My DD is 7 and just moved up to Primary School with her friends. To provide some background, she is my second born and a late summer born baby, (my eldest has just started secondary school). My second born has always been quiet in new situations, and in large groups, but at home and within her friendship groups she is well liked and chatty. Ever since pre-school the feedback I have received from her teachers is that she is a lovely kind girl, always well behaved, but she is quiet and doesn't take risks.

I know that about her, in my view that is just her character at the moment. I was a quiet child, as was my husband, however both of us found our voice much later on, I became quite vocal after 14. So, I wouldn't say she was a classic introvert, but in a school situation, you would probably put her towards that end of the scale.

The point of my post is, I have just had her first consultation, and this was one of the first things her teacher said to me. In my view modern classroom settings are tailored to suit extroverted children as that seems to be the ideal. The whole notion of grouped tables, and 'group learning' tasks doesn't necessarily suit those who learn better on their own. I totally get that a teacher has 30 students and needs to find a way to cater to all of them, but I do feel that too much pressure is being put on my DD to be someone who she isn't. I fully expect that her character will change and develop with time, and I certainly wouldn't want to label her, but I am fed up with her 'quietness' always being pitched as a negative. She's very imaginative, creative and thinks things through before she speaks. Many adults are like this too and they are far from failures as people!

Am I alone in feeling like this?

We have heard this at every parents evening for the last 10 yrs, and your right it is always pitched as a negative. My daughter is reserved and likes to get the measure of a situation before blurting out the first thing that comes into her head. We have always said that's the way she is and it is the job of a good teacher to encourage her to voice her opinion.- if you had 30 loud pushy children in the class it would be bedlam.
The only time it has been a negative is in language classes but she is taking French and Spanish gcse and predicted A/A* so it can't be a huge problem.
She sounds lovely, my quiet 6yr old has blossomed into a beautiful self-assured teenager. I just glaze over at parents evening now when they are banging on about her being quiet in class.

I get this every parents evening with DS too, he's perfectly confident in the playground and at cubs but doesn't like to talk over people or interrupt, so in class he is quiet unless asked a question, which i don't really see as a negative as he is quite happy to speak up when asked.

Strange thing is DS and DD are very similar children out of school and yet DD's reports constantly say that as much as 99% of her comments in class are related to the work they are doing, she could do with talking a little less and waiting to be asked occasionally.

We had an info evening recently about learning styles and the 'attributes of a good learner'. It's with a view to teaching the children how to learn actively themselves, vs getting spoonfed to remember facts. I can't remember them all but one of them is being prepared to make mistakes.

My DS atm is a bit of a perfectionist, and unless he is certain of something it does stop him giving things a go and putting his hand up. It's not that I want him to turn into an extrovert, but I would prefer him to have the resilience to risk putting himself out there and having a try. Ditto stretching himself rather than playing safe when choosing his worksheets etc. You're right, personalities come in all varieties. Your DD may not be anything like my DS, but I think it's true that sometimes being quiet in class can be associated with an inability to take a risk, and that can hold children back from trying new things or pushing themselves.

Working in a team is also an important life skill - yes some prefer to work alone without being failures as people, but that doesn't mean it's a worthless skill. I've managed ok in life despite abysmal modern language skills. Doesn't mean schools don't need to teach them.

YANBU at all. I anticipate these sorts of comments about DD when she starts school.

I think I will just respond by saying that yes she is, I don't think it's something that can be forced to change, and I don't see it as a negative. I was the same and it certainly hasn't held me back.

I know my Mum used to get (to be fair, understandably at times) frustrated by my inherent shyness, but when I was young, it just wasn't something I could do anything about. Maturity gave me the skills to well and truly overcome it, and I'm fine now. :)

I have 3 dc and dd1 is middle one. She has always been very quiet, and I have always got comments about her not speaking up. She is very chatty at home, but never in a big group.

I agree it is a character thing, dd holds back and watches situations. But it has affected her learning. She will sit back and not speak up and therefore has missed out on quite a few things.
I have got frustrated at times that she is constantly overlooked in many ways, doesn't get chosen for things and so on.
What frustrates me at times is that she (and a couple of others) would really benefit from being selected for some things, and the extrovert kids don't really need any more of a confidence boost, and have had this opportunity more than once anyway (and I say that as an extrovert with 2 extrovert kids)

She is now in year 5, with a lovely very experienced teacher and we have just had parents evening. Her teacher has put her forward for the Anti-Bullying ambassador and recognises that she needs to be encouraged to increase her confidence. Her teacher is thrilled because she is coming out of her shell and has done a lot to encourage her. Teacher's comment was that she was so proud of how she has grown in confidence, and being brave to speak up.

I had years of this with DS whereas DD is very different in that she is quiet but is willing to participate if asked. It has taken DS leaving school and going to tech for him to come out of his shell because he's surrounded with like-minded people of varying ages (he's never had a lot in common with his peers) I have never understood why being quiet is viewed as such a negative thing. Once DS's teachers got to know him I'm sure that they wanted him to keep his mouth shut more often because he would have sat absorbing everything and then come out with something unexpected ( the French teacher was rather fond of your witty retorts, or so she told me)

forgot to say, when she was younger it had a massive effect, as she was an excellent reader at home, but at school only read what was put in front of her, and gave no indication that she could read loads more.
That has been an recurring issue tbh. I agree with what others have said about risk taking and making mistakes too.

Schools generally work on a social cognitive theory of learning which suggests that children learn best by being presented with a problem slightly outside their current level of knowledge or experience and are then supported to reach the next level of learning through social interaction using language or practical skill and being supported by a teacher or peer

Teachers are taught about Vygotsky's theories as part of their training

This is why there is so much 'partner talk' and group work in schools

The best teachers mix their teaching so there is a mixture of individual and group work depending on the desired outcome of the lesson

Sometimes quiet children are afraid to take risks with their learning and don't vocalise their thought process which, if you follow the SC theory, affects their own learning and also the learning of their group

Personally I think there is nothing wrong with a child being quiet as long as the quietness isn't hiding areas where they are struggling

It is seen as being negative because the society we live in centers itself on and celebrates extroverts and their oersonality traits. Fame, notoriety and loud positivity are the watchwords of our age and wehave forgotten how to celebrate and value people that dont fit into this remit.
You should read 'Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking' Paperback –by Susan Cain. She explores this much more eloquently than i ever could.
Your daughter sounds fab.

I don't see that the comment is a negative one - it's a fact about your dc.
I'm always pleased when teachers are able to give me a clear picture that they've 'got' my child relatively early on in the year.
Believe me, when you have a child that is at the other end of the continuum, and likes to (well, in truth, actually can't help themselves) shouting out impulsively, you'll realise that being told your dc is quiet in class isn't a negative thing.
If the school and home both recognise there are things about anyone's personality that could make some situations difficult for them, then a plan can be put in place to work on those skills.

Thank you for all the responses.

I do take it on board that the teacher needs the children to respond in a way to be sure that they are learning. When the teacher said that DD was quiet, it was said in a negative way, however she didn't provide me with any solutions, it was just left hanging in the air from her end. What can I do with that?

BackforGood, I agree and totally appreciate getting an honest appraisal of how my kids are doing at school. It was the tone that was used which I found frustrating, and again the lack of suggestions as to how I could help her. I know that being quiet isn't a negative thing and I am not worried about it, but her teachers are.

18yearstooold - that's really interesting with regards to how they teach in schools. I fear that is the root of the problem, essentially they teach to an ideal personality type which best responds to that method of teaching, those who are more introverted don't learn well in group scenarios.

Any social situation is comprised of different personality types, Fishstix, I have been reading Quiet! and it's fascinating! It turns all our ideas about the ideal personality type on its head, and I was amazed that the best sales people are actually those with introverted personality types because they take the time to listen and consider their clients needs.

I should say that DD has settled in really well in her new school, it's a large primary and quite a change from her cosy nurturing infant school. I did mention that to her teachers, (it's a job share), and that she had strong friendships and was happy in school from my point of view. I felt I needed to throw some positive statements into the meeting!!!!! She has only been there for 7 weeks and is still only Seven! Sob!