DS is devastated at being told off - a week later

[KirjavaTheCat]

DS is in reception. Last week they introduced 'tasks' to the children that they must complete, I suppose to ease them into doing actual work. The task that day was to cut things out. DS really struggles with scissors - something we've been trying to help at home but he's just not getting it just yet.

He didn't want to do the task set because of the cutting, and I don't know the exact details but he apparently refused and was given a couple of chances, before his name was moved down a notch (they have a traffic light system). He then did the task with a TA's help. It was the first time his name had been moved, he told me he was crying while he was doing his task and he was all alone, because the other children had moved on to something else He came out of school that day in floods of tears and the teacher told me what had happened.

I thought well, that's really quite sad, but hopefully he'll know now that he has to do the task set by the teacher and hopefully there won't be a problem again.

Only it's been a week now and despite constant reassurances from me he's still really, really upset.

He'll randomnly burst into tears when he thinks about it and it's made him really anxious about the jobs the teacher might give him. He's waking at night upset about it and saying he doesn't want to go to school anymore

I had a word with the teacher today and she said she'll talk to him but I'm not sure if it'll help. I've never seen him so anxious. What can I do?

Aw. I would give him lots of positive praise for attempting any work, at home, with the scissors if he finds them difficult. make him a lovely collection of things to cut up and have fun with.

Also playing with stuff like modeling clay and kneading bread could help strengthen the muscles in his hand, which might help his cutting skills.

Your school should have some of those double scissors so an adult can help and they get the idea - ask the teacher if you can look at them. They can really help some children, particularly with confidence. Maybe you could get some at home.
www.amazon.co.uk/Childrens-Training-Scissors-Right-Handed/dp/B003HLEVB8

I have some springloaded scissors coming through the post, but I will have a look at those too. I thought it may be his technique that needed practice, I never thought about how strong his hands are. Thanks, goingmad.

I've told him to ask for help whenever he needs it but he says he doesn't like putting his hand up. He's so small still, turned four a few weeks before starting school, and it's so different to his nursery. I think I need to work on his confidence with him

I live in utter dread of the day that DS (4) ends up "on the sad cloud".

Poor lamb, it seems like a tough way to learn.

You've done what you can, hopefully the teacher will show more understanding if there is a similar problem in future. Perhaps you and the teacher and DS could have 5 mins to talk about what to do or say if he is worried he can't do something. Plus lots of that every day is a fresh start stuff, so he knows his card isn't marked?

Maybe you need to not dwell on this because your ds will hence the anxiety. When my ds was on the sad face for playing up (he's in reception), he was upset, but we told him that next time to try and avoid the thing he's done and we've all been told off at school. He was fine with this and no mention again. The biggest thing he seemed to worry about was whether we'd tell him off again on hearing about it!

So I would say to your ds what he should do in a similar situation (I.e. tell the teacher he doesn't know how to do something instead of refusing and that it is OK to ask for help). Then move on, demonstrating to your ds that it isn't an issue.

I agree with Iggly. Downplay it as much as possible and work on reminding him about all the things that are great at school and he enjoys doing. Hopefully that and reassurance from his teacher will sort it out.

I know it sounds harsh but unfortuantly often until a child falls foul of a behaviour system, it is very difficult to know which ones will be devastated by it and need extra support. Lots of reminding him to tell an adult if he's worried about things or scared about doing something. I know it takes time for children to learn to trust their new teacher but she can't ignore a flat refusal to do a task - it's not fair if other children are expected to do it and to have their name moved down if they refuse.

I was a TA / helper in primary schools for over twenty years, and some staff can seem very unsympathetic towards the youngest children. I never enjoyed school as a child myself (in the '40s and '50s) so as a TA always took care to support shy, vulnerable children. Yes, I have known children cry when they have been unable to use scissors, but for many children who were not allowed scissors as toddlers, they have not had time to acquire the skills needed.

Sometimes, a child might answer a question incorrectly because he has misunderstood what was asked, but it could well be the CORRECT answer using the the criteria as he sees it, but teachers are often blind to such variations.

If there is a sympathetic TA in the class, perhaps they could keep an eye on him.

Poor little thing bless him, I'm sure the teacher will bear his sensitivity in mind in future.

It's hard though for them, as the children are all different. Dd (y1) is the opposite and school discipline is water off a ducks back. A few weeks ago I found out she had been on the cloud every day for a week . She was testing to find out what happened next, the little minx!!!

I had to say to the teacher 'please be as harsh as you need to be' as I led the newly contrite little madam in the next day . Another parent head told me the week before her dd was afraid to speak in the same class .

I remember my DS been devastated when he was moved down in reception as it was a class punishment. I had to take him back into class when he came out as he was crying so much I couldn't understand a word he said. I was reassured by the teacher it wasn't him.

I found the best thing to do with my Ds is to suggest what he could do differently. Ir helps him know it won't keep happening

In education this is called 'the pit of despair', a very dramatic name but quite fitting really for matching the reaction/emotions of a child who's 'in it' at the time. What it's referring to is the time when a child who has previously had very little 'failures' coming up against something that they cannot do but 'had to' do. The child then gets very upset about their inability and doesnt want to/worries about future times where they'll have the same problem.

To overcome it you/the teacher/he will have to build up his resilience and turn the experience around into a positive one. Eg "yes, its sometimes frightening and frustrating when we cant do something but instead of focussing on that we think about how we can solve the problem. If you could live that experience again what would you do differently? If you get stuck at school again what will you do? (Give it a really good try, try different people for help-teacher, TA, friend, etc).

You can also talk about things you find hard but overcame. Covertly set up 'problems' at home for him to help you overcome or for him to overcome himself. Ask him after school about things he's proud of achieving. Etc.

Generally you want to try to turn his attitude around so he sees himself as a problemsolver.

Mammoth post, sorry - my degree kicked in!

Disclaimer: you know your child best, feel free to ignore all that advice if you feel I've misread the situation.

Thanks for all your advice. I've been on a positivity spree and it's been helping, or so I thought. He seems to be fine until we reach the doors. This morning he didn't want to go in and clung to me, sobbing. His teacher had to take him in

His teacher has realised how much of an effect it's had, she said this morning that yesterday she noticed how timid he is in class, that he seemed scared to speak to her. Gently tugging at her cardi and saying "excuse me please" in a small voice if he wanted anything She said she'll do some one-to-one with him today to try to make things better.

Before all this he couldn't wait to get into the classroom. It's like it's completely changed his view of school! What power that little cloud holds...

Pfb just started reception, am dreading the day she goes on the cloud. It's all quite overwhelming, it's been a massive difference between nursery and school, which I was not expecting (naive).

TheStars, your DC sounds like DD. She's only in Year 1 but has only ever been told off once, but as a group, for talking when the teacher was trying to talk. She was very upset and has never forgotten it.

Unfortunately it ends up being our children that don't get the praise for being good. They have a merit system in DD's class and all of hers are for good work (reading/writing/spellings etc) but some get merits for 'Good Sitting'. DD would never think of doing anything else but sitting nice and quietly, so it feels like she's missing out on merits because she's not naughty enough!!

Anyway, I digress.

OP, keep an eye on it at school and raise it again with the teacher if the anxiety doesn't improve. It's amazing how these little things, if not handled appropriately, can impact their feelings of school...

It's so hard.

We had a similar problem.

If it doesn't settle then it might be worth gently exploring why he is upset and scared. It might not be the obvious reason. Perhaps he's frightened he doesn't get to work with the other children. He might be worried that he can't trust the teacher to listen to him (because he thinks she didn't listen when he said he couldn't do something). He might not like failing at something. Depending on which it is then you can address it. If it's about failing then show him you failing at something and coping with that failure by trying again. If it's about not trusting the teacher then hopefully the one-to-one time will help etc, etc.

If going into school becomes a trigger point then ask him to help you come up with a plan for going into school, give him different options to choose from eg who carries his bag; do you hold hands; can he walk in front, etc. You can draw a plan together.

Positive reinforcement at home will help but he also has to feel comfortable and safe at school. We found DS was very quick to label himself as 'bad' because he was moved on the traffic light system. We had to reassure him that wasn't the case (whilst still reinforcing the reason why he had moved iyswim).

School is going to be full of things that he 'can't do', learning new things is the point. Working with him on trying new things is important because refusing to try something that the teacher asked him to do is what caused the problem, not that he couldn't cut out.

Ah yes, he's said "I was a bad boy, mummy" a few times. I've reassured him he's not and he wasn't and isn't 'bad'...

Me and DP are going to talk about it tonight, see if there are a few things we can do at home to build his confidence.

My friend is a primary teacher and she thinks it's a trust issue. She said she always 'makes up' with the child she had to put on the cloud the previous day, shakes hands and starts clean, makes sure the child knows she still loves 'em - and maybe, if his teacher didn't do this or make it clear that it's a fresh start, it could be that he's gotten the impression that he's walking on eggshells with her. Hmm.

Hopefully at pick-up I'll see a bright, smiley little boy.

He knows he should have done as he was asked, and asked for help with the scissors, and that was why his name was moved - because he wouldn't try. He's said over and over that he won't refuse again.

It's more his anxiety I'm worried about. Hopefully it's a simple matter of developing a thicker skin.

Using a fairly detailed star chart helped to build our DC's confidence. It meant he could clearly see that he wasn't 'bad' iyswim.

Going into school happily was one of our columns. The others were a mix of items including some that we knew he did consistently so he could see he was 'good'.

The issue of trust is important. It's lovely that your friend does that with her class. I think some teachers don't realise the impact it can have (or else they consider that uncertainty part of the 'punishment' ).