Am I over or under-reacting?

[Thetigerdrankmywine]

Right, Ds has been in nursery since he was 9 months old. He made some little friends there, then went to nursery and school nursery last year, so he could get the best of both worlds. He had friends in both.

September 2014. Ds starts reception, along with a friend from nursery who didn't attend school nursery. Ds spends lots of time helping 'John' and helping him settle in. Ds is v easy going and drifts happily between friends. So far so good.

October 2014. Ds starts coming home saying that 'John' won't let him sit by him at dinner and that the other boys (who DS knew from school nursery)won't let him sit there too.

I feel desperately sorry for him, but am aware that this will teach him resilience. The trouble is, I teach secondary and am worried that I'm looking at it as I would if it was 12 year olds: either a. say 'tough' and sit there anyway or b. shrug and sit somewhere else. I don't know how important it is at 5.

So, let it resolve itself, or ask his teacher to keep an eye on the situation? He's been so happy there until now.

I would say have a quick word with teacher and make them aware of the situation. A similar thing happened to my DS in reception and the teacher was happy to be told about it and made sure she sat down with them and helped them all be friends together. Sometimes at only 5 they need some assistance navigating relationships.

It may be something or nothing - there's no harm in having a word with the teacher either way.

I would talk to the teacher. What ever is going on, the teacher should be able to help. My DD's reception class was so much about helping them socially, encouraging friendships (where necessary) and stepping in if behaviour wasn't appropriate. What ever happens, I think you should make the teacher aware of how your DS is feeling, and that will enable her/him to monitor the situation and work out if she/he needs to intervene/social engineer in anyway.

I don't think that he should have to resolve it all by himself. At five, adults are there to help you learn how to resolve such things. At 12, he might have to start learning how to take on some bits himself, but not at five.

It's confusing being the parent of a small child and teaching big ones. I have 15 year olds literally behaving like 5 year olds, so sometimes I think I may expect a bit too much of poor DS. I'm also conscious of not wanting to be THAT parent and a bit too pfb.

I don't do drop offs and pick ups, so it may have to be a note.

I would say never worry about seeming pfb. If you don't speak up then things may not be spotted. You are now a parent, and especially at 5 your child needs you to be his advocate.

Maybe a note, but maybe make an appointment for a phone call?
From the teacher POV, I used to find some issues were much simpler to discuss and easier to resolve on the phone.

I had similar issues with DS2 last year in his Reception where his one friend that had come from the same nursery made friends with another boy and, from what DS2 said, called him names/ wouldn't let him play with them etc. DS2 told me they were in a gang and wouldn't let him join

I was worried but didn't say anything to give him time to sort it out. He has ended up with a new group of friends and has 2 close friends who are both lovely boys and i don't think he ever plays with the other boys now (he certainly never mentions them).

IME, they change friendship groups often before settling and there will be other children in the class who are more his 'type'.

The trouble is, the boy he supported from nursery is his type! But I get what you're saying and when Ds was on his own in school last year, he seemed to be friends with different boys. I suspect nursery friend has now found his feet and is trying to asset himself. DS is an uncannily nice child (seriously, neither dh or I know where that gene came from), even to his stroppy and demanding younger sister, so I suspect this kind of behaviour is just bewildering to him.