PTA members - how do you cope with the constant complainers?

[redandyellowbits]

I'm on the school PTA, and I love doing it, we have a great team, very small but very supportive.
However I have a parent in my DDs class who is constantly complaining/critising every event we plan - it's too noisy for her daughter, its too babyish for her, its too early, too late etc.

I have told we are all working parents trying really hard, told her lots and lots of time she can always come and help us out even for 5 mins but of course she is always too busy for that, despite having just 1 DC who is in school, and not working herself.

I am finding it really demoralising and don't want to be put off contributing to the school. How do you cope with it? Any tips or mantras I can tell myself?

I have no experience of working within a PTA but I always turn up for events, support everything they do and wouldn't dream of moaning about anything. After all, proceeds go towards the school, what's there not to like?

Perhaps she doesn't fully understand the need for these events. Perhaps next time she has a whinge, point out that without them things like school trips, new equipment etc wouldn't be possible. Or state that the PTA is welcome to new ideas and to put hers forward if she has any.

Other than that big deep breaths.

Ask her what sort of events she would like to see?

Or just develop selective deafness?

Channel the penguins from Madagascar 'smile & wave, boys, smile & wave...

It's bloody frustrating. I was PTA chair for a while, & I think: do listen - sometimes there's useful feedback in there - even if this particular person is mostly unhelpful. I used to thank, & say I'd pass onto the committee - that often helped people feel listened to. Plus, yes, constantly offering serial complainers roles on organising committees/ to come along to PTA meetings. Although those type of people aren't actually who you need organising, are they?
The other thing I started doing with a couple of serial complainers is tell them I was in a mad rush, but to email me. I could then rant at the screen before replying politely. I also find reminding the complainer of others opinions can help - so I would say things like 'I'll ask around & see if its been an issue for other people'. Then I could legitimately tell her that the older/younger kids/every other bugger was fine with it!

Just kill her with kindness - say something like 'gosh I'm so sorry, your DD didn't enjoy the last disco/film night/whatever did she? We so appreciate your feedback, it would be great to have you on the committee, what time of day/evening would be suitable for you to join us?. What ideas have you got for the next event?'

Repeat, repeat, repeat ........... and seethe silently inside.

After being on 4 PTAs I am delighted my DS is now at secondary school which doesn't have a PTA .

I'm part of a PTA of 3 members serving a school of 450 students. I have a firm policy that if you don't CONTRIBUTE you don't get to COMPLAIN. End of.

Also, I'm rude.

Ignore ignore ignore. Some people just have to moan. Feel sorry for her as she is such a negative person and try not to let it affect your enjoyment.

Her last complaint was that the books our DDs class were so old, why can't the teachers buy new books, what are they spending money on etc. I did explain that school funds are limited, we raise money for extras via PTA fundraising, which days can you come along to a meeting. And her reply is always 'Well, I have to go now'.

She is just one of life's complainers - I often see her chewing the headmaster's ear off about something trivial. I got that vibe from her before I joined PTA but now I find it so utterly draining.

californiaburrito like you, I'm in a very small PTA - 4 people for a school of 330 children, so I really don't want to be put off contributing. I also don't want to complain to the PTA team about it, they are a fantastic bunch.

nobutreally I like the idea of the Madagascar penguins approach.

It's a shame because her DD and mine are best friends, so I'll be seeing lots more of her over the next 5 years.

Silently saying it to myself whilst mentally ninja-chopping kept me going on a regular basis - I feel your pain, it is really draining when you are doing your best & working hard.

Listen to what she's telling you - I also wonder whether you are 'owning' the problem too - I think us PTA types tend to do that when stuff really isn't our problem? So the reply to the book complaint would just be 'really? I haven't noticed'. It's not your job to justify the schools spending plans...

Nobutreally, that's a really good point, I think I do start 'owning' the problem a bit - I was annoyed that she was criticising the schools books, as I know the teachers make a real effort to change the selection regularly.

Reading is a big deal to me so I have lots of books at home, and take my DD to the library, read magazines with her etc. So really, the poor selection of books is not my issue or problem at all.

I agree with california. If you don't contribute, you don't get to complain and you certainly don't get to have your complaints taken seriously.

Smile. Nod. Gin and rant with the other PTA heros. You're doing a fantastic job for all the children in the school.

School books are the governor's responsibility, not the PTA!

We have a complainer in our playground too. Utterly draining, predictable and frustrating. I can only think her life is miserable and lonely because she appears to take no joy in anything... But everyone has their role to play in life. You took a great and positive role in being a member of the PTA, your complainer chose a negative role...

Hmmm...so my other mistake was that I did take her complaints seriously - she complained about not being able to buy tickets for a PTA-organised event, because she was working that one day (as a one-off, she doesn't work otherwise).

It has never been a problem for other parents - they usually ask friends to get their tickets or find me another time to buy them. But in this case I thought it was a valid point and told her I will come in half an hour early to sell tickets early to the working parents (of which I am one).

She didn't turn up. Or apologise/explain/or even say hello when I saw her next.

It's hard work being so moany and unproductive. She must have to work hard to be so good at it.

Ignore! Say you always complain but you never help. Tell her To
Piss off. Any of the above.

I would thank her for offering to organise an event different to any of those done before

School books aren't the governors responsibility, as a governor I would like to correct any misunderstanding.

Governors aren't there to get involved in the day to day running of the school and whether new books are bought is definitely not something that comes under their remit.

The HT and other school leaders decide how the school budget is spent, governors have an oversight responsibility but shouldn't be dictating teaching matters.

Try and have some key answers prepared for her types of questions. By that I mean if she raises concerns about the books (age of them/quality/standard etc) say that while you don't mind her getting her issues off her chest, books are not under the remit of the PTA and she should speak with the Head Teacher about that.

If she's looking to buy tickets again, say to her that you arrived in early to make tickets available to those who couldn't get them at another time but no one showed up, so it's not happening again in the future. Tickets are sold as and when advertised.

If she has loads of ideas, perhaps turn it around and say that "Our next meeting is on X day, I will be around to collect you at 7pm" and if she declines say "That's a pity. If you're not there, you can't influence how things go"

I really like the "Smile & Wave boys, smile and wave" approach. In one ear and out the other. Nod and disengage.

Smile and wave the correct move.

Life really IS too short.

Smile and nod, sure. But all the while thinking 'Fuck off, you useless moaning arsehole' to yourself.

If it is any consolation, she is probably driving the teachers nuts as well! We recognise that for the occasional parent no matter what we do they will moan. We just smile and think how sad it is to have that attitude to life; holidays are awful because it is too hot / too cold there; parties are awful because X was / wasn't there, the music was too loud / quiet; new car is awful because ... restaurant was awful because ... where is the joy?

I really like Ragwort's suggestion.

"You're welcome to join the events committee".

Ignore, and be pleased you're not like that. You do have to accept that PTA is not for everyone - despite being on it for years at various schools, I'd never go out of choice to a school fair/disco/coffee morning/bingo. Of course, I have manners and appreciate the effort people make so turn up, smile and praise the event because the money always goes to really good use. I think that's why I prefer to run things!

Do you display a list of all the things your PTA has helped with? Sometimes people don't realise quite what all that money goes to provide.

YY to Smile and Wave.

Providing all events are published well beforehand,feedback is being acknowledged and the committee publish the odd newsletter so everyone knows how much was raised/what funds were spent on I don't see what else you can do.

Some are born to raise funds for a mini-bus, and others you just want to push under it. 'Twas ever so.

I 100% get where you're coming from. I am 'on the PTA' (I say this, as there is no committee, its just that I have in the past turned up to meetings and organised events and helped out at other things, so that must mean that I am on the PTA) at DS' school. At our last meeting (there is only one a year), five parents turned up.

Two of the other mums were people who have always helped and organised events, the other two parents hadn't come to a meeting or attended or organised anything before.

At the meeting, we decided, with the head and deputy head, which events we would run that year, where best to spend the money previously raised, what dates suited etc. Me and the other two mums agreed to take lots on.

The other two parents basically asked why the PTA wasn't organising X event, or why Y event wasn't happening this year, and probing the reasons behind that. And the reasons are that nobody was willling to organise them, and me and the other two mums were already committed to doing loads. The head came straight out with it and said that if they would be willing to do the admin, collect monies, set a date, man the events etc, then of course, certainly, it would be great if it went ahead. They said nothing in reply.

Now, I get that not everything has the time or inclination to help. I get that, and its not compulsory. But please then don't complain that the event you would like to happen, isn't happening. And especially please don't complain about it to me. I work long hours, have a toddler as well as a school age child, DH works even longer hours so can't free me up that much, and I am already knackered.

And breathe. And smile and wave. I love this.

Getting new school books is not the responsibility of the Governors! Our PTA gave a bundle to get our school library refurbished, and paid for new books too but it was the teachers' (and SENCO's) job to choose the right books. Our PTA also pays for subscriptions to various magazines, from Junior Nature magazines, sports, etc.

As for the OP, some people just enjoy complaining. Just invite her to the meetings, help with events, and if you are not very patient (like me) you will say that if she wants to change things in the PTA she has to get involved.

I do Sunday School regularly at our church and put a lot of efforts into it, and I always invite parents who complain (yes, they do complain) to help once or twice a term.... then they will be able to improve it!