Moving schools and area -teachers or mums advice?

[Isobel123jones]

We are considering moving house which also means moving area and moving school for our 7 and 4 year olds.

I am looking for advice/ experiences from parents of similar aged children who have moved and from teachers.

Mainly, I wanted to hear about

• how did the children take it?
• were the first few weeks really hard?
• how long did it really take the children to settle into school?
• will we always feel like the new people?
• would you move if you didn't have to for work etc - just for lifestyle?

If you don't have time to read the rest of this, those are the main things I am hoping to find out...thank you.

More background to our situation is this...

We have two daughters - our eldest is just 7, at the beginning of year 2 and our youngest has just started reception. We have always lived here as a family and are basically happy except we don't really want to live in a city.

I am really worried about how the move would be, particularly for our eldest. She is very sweet, has lots of really good friends and is well liked. But is a bit delicate and can be shy in new situations and needs a lot if reassurance. She is however really popular and once she feels settled, is very sociable. But she doesn't like change and can be quite needy emotionally.

We would be moving for a lifestyle change not out of necessity and I am frightened of doing the wrong thing by my girls.

We live in a lovely area and have lots of friends. The girls are really happy at school and we know lots of the parents. Our location basically has everything we'd like except it is in the middle of a city and I really wanted to settle somewhere more rural. I grew up in a more rural area and as a family, we really love the great outdoors. Our school is huge and has limited space and virtually no greenery - but we do appreciate that it has a lovely community and has worked hard to raise achievement for the kids.

I know we are already extremely fortunate & our moving question is a luxury problem to have really - but it's deeply emotional and causing me a huge amount of anxiety. I never thought we would settle here but already we are really rooted.

I feel if we moved we would enjoy more space, nature & fresh air and also spend more time at home rather than always feeling like we had to get out of the city. I worry, probably unnecessarily about safety in the city for two teenage girls but also generally would like our family to slow down a bit & have more peace and space. I am not comfortable when I think of the girls being older, going to high school, going out in the evening etc. Where we are is great but right next door are areas which aren't. Generally I just crave somewhere smaller and less hectic.

I worry that we have left it too late (circumstances just weren't right until now). I always intended to 'really settle' away from the city but know I have to look at reality not dreams and what is best for the girls.

Thanks for any advice from people who have made the decision to move.

Hi Op

Sorry you haven't had any responses. I am in a very similar position with same age DCs.. DD happy and settled at school etc.

My situation is slightly different as mine would be a move to where DP lives so I have the added quandary of moving the DCs away from the area where their Dad lives now as well!

I hope you get some responses soon.I shall also be watching with interest.

I don't have any advice from a practical point of view but my parents decided to do the same thing (but for job reasons) when my siblings and I were 8, 6, and 4. We kids had very little trouble adjusting to the move and within not-very-much time had plenty of friends in the new place, had settled in fine at the new school and as adults have only the most fleeting of memories of where we were before. I don't think your DDs will be traumatised by this, and it's unlikely to be "the wrong thing" for your girls.

I would advise that you make sure the rural location you choose has good transport links into a larger town that has more than one decent secondary school so that they have some options later on.

We moved 7 years ago, similar situation however also the fact that MIL would be closer and she was/is getting older and needed more help.

We moved from a outer London suburb area where dd1 was in year 3 in a outstanding 2 class intake junior. dd2 and ds were in a private school due to issues dd2 had in infant school (she is dyslexic - outstanding school couldnt cope)

So we moved with 4 children going into Y5 one into Y3 and one into Y1.. DD3 was still in nursery.

We moved to a smaller village and the children all 3 ended up in a school with a pan of 15 pr class. quite a change.

DS settled almost straight away. He had originally been put into the mixed YR & Y1 class but was within 2 weeks moved to the mixed Y1 & Y2 class and thrived through out all of his time in the school. He made/makes friends easily and is one of those people in life who manages work and friends seemingly effortlessly. He has now moved to a local Grammar school (we live in Kent) and is thriving.

DD2 seemed to settle ok however struggled over the years there with friendship. She had a settled period on Y4-5 where she had a BFF however BF moved away (having arrived in Y4) and the last year and a half dd2 was a bit adrift. The school how ever was AMAZING for her dyslexia and aided her so much. Academically she did wonderful and has moved through to 2ndary doing far better than any would have dreamed. Socially dd2 still struggles and I suspect she always will with regards to schooling.

DD1 who was the one going into Y5 really struggled the first year. Her teacher outright told me that she was behind compared to others in her year group, and some additional help was put in place. (This was interesting to us as in the outstanding school we had been told nothing like this actually the opposite ) However by the time dd1 moved into Y6 she was on top table and had really settled in the school Now when you ask her about her primary school she ONLY mentions the one we moved to (despite having gone to 2 other schools - infant and junior for longer) She raves about it and this summer went back to the school for work experience. She has also kept in touch with a couple of the children she went to school with and is doing great in her A levels.. for her despite the move being a real struggle it has had wondrous results for her confidence and ability to believe in herself.

As a family the move has been positive for us. I feel my children have been permitted to be children for longer due to the move. (this is when I compare to friends who still live where we did before) the pace of life is different and it took me about 6 months to settle into this. I struggled with making friends as I arrived at a later time to others. Having said this once dd3 started reception (the year after we moved) this did begin to change and I now feel I have a nice social circle. Dh's commute was longer than it was before and he often bemoans this. However he was home earlier as he was way more aware of when the train would be leaving. Previously he could grap a train every 15 minutes where we are now there is 1 an hour. Result was he became aware of the trains and was more often home at 9 as opposed to the 10-11 that had been the norm before.

MIL has been in good health until this last 2 months where she had a fall and needed a hip replacement. I am pleased we are closer to her so we can pop down to see her and ensure she is ok.

Overall I recommend doing what your heart tells you to do. However do not go thinking it will all be roses.. you need to be willing to put some work into making friends and aiding your dds to do the same. expect your life to change however change is not always a bad thing. For us looking back I believe we did the right thing in moving.

I think you need to think 10 years forward and be sure the rural idyl will still work for a 14 and 17 year old. Will they be able to have any independence socially?

We have just moved from a gritty area of the commuter belt to a village in rural Dorset for work. It is glorious right now (DS is 4) although we already schlep into the nearest city regularly for DS's extra curricular activities.

I do not think it would work when he is 14.

He took the move fine though and already has more friends than he had before, although this is partly to do with DH's work coming with a free community!

Forgot to say dd3.. She announced crossly she did NOT like her new nursery and her old one was a LOT better. However made firm friends with a girl who now in year 6 is still one of her closest friends. She is the last one at the school we moved to and the only one who will have done her primary years without moving school. She was likely the least effected as she was only in nursery and not yet schooling. She feels jealous at her older siblings because they have " tried moving schools" I doubt this time next year when she is in secondary she will feel the same way.

To answer your questions

• how did the children take it?

They were strongly against it all 4 of them.. tears and huge upheavel when we told them we had decided. However huge excitement when we did move to the new house and they all still remember this day.

• were the first few weeks really hard?

Yes. no way around it they were hard and both for us and for the children.

• how long did it really take the children to settle into school?

See above

• will we always feel like the new people?

No 7 years in I cant imagine not living where we are and we are very much part of the area. I remember mentioning to a friend we had moved to the area (she has children same ages as my oldest 2 and then a younger one a year younger than my youngest) and she went all surprised " ohh yes you havent always been here" made me smile.

• would you move if you didn't have to for work etc - just for lifestyle?

Yes I would and I did. I did it for lifestyle or to put it another way for

Location location location......

With regards to Charles ryders comment about teenagers I know have 4 who are (starting in November so almost)

11, 13 , 15 and 17.

You have to be willing to drive them around a fair bit. I do spend time playing taxi driver. We have recently downgraded our car with a view to in February when dd1 turns 17 getting a smaller car so dd1 can get to do some of the driving.

We are very familiar with the train and bus time tables, and do splurge yearly on a huge fee for ds to be able to have a travel pass. (dd2 have had free passes as has dd1 until this year ) it is a cost of (this year for 2) £600 that had to be taken into account. IF we get our favourite school for dd3 for next year we are looking at £800 and it will remain that until dd2 leaves schooling.

Our children have got good at organising lifts and sorting rotas for driving with other friends. So we have for example for years shared a pick up with dd1's friend where we collected one week and dd1's friends family the week after.

As we do not live miles and miles from bigger towns the children can make it to different things we just have to be willing to take them to the places.

It can be a pain but for me it is utterly worth it simply due to our lifestyle.

I would go for it, OP.

We moved when dd was younger (3), so it was relatively easy - though still a massive wrench to move away from her amazing nanny, but we have stayed in touch. I have never regretted the move at all.

There are quite a few kids in dd's class who have moved to the area since she started, and they all seem very happy and well-adjusted. The school does a lot to ease the transition, and kids are generally very adaptable - they fitted in very, very quickly.

I think it probably gets considerably harder as children get older, as friendships do become increasingly important to them - I would find it much harder to move dd now (in year 5) than I would have done when she was in year 2. So if you want to make the move, I'd say do it sooner rather than later.

My oldest children are 7 and 5, we moved a few weeks ago - we are still very much new and I can't tell you yet how long it will take the children to settle. We moved for lifestyle reasons mainly too, having lived in a city for a couple of years and I hated it. I was so miserable that it wasn't sustainable. However, DC1 was very happy at school. We made the decision to delay DC2's school start because we knew we would be moving although she had been to pre-school a couple of mornings a week before we moved.

They love the new rural area and being closer to Grandparents. I also believe it will be better as they get older. I'm happier for them to have more independence here and public transport is actually easier (I know this as I don't drive) - being a small place everything is in one place, there are no trips on 3 different buses to get somewhere.

Moving school has been the biggest change. DC1 misses his old school and friends. I miss is too, TBH, the school they had before we moved was amazing - there is nothing wrong with this one but it isn't the same. He has been hesitant - not refusing to go to school but very quiet and walking very close to me on the way there. DC2 has not wanted to go to school at all - she cries at drop off to the point where I've been thinking about pulling her out and Home Educating her - I'd be very happy to do that with more of a Home Ed community but being so rural my worry is that she will be isolated and won't integrate into the village.

I do believe that they will settle and that the move will benefit them as much as us - but I think it will take time and is an upheaval for them - we moved when they were preschool age and it didn't really affect them, this has been very different. They are happy about the move, it is the change of school that has knocked them a bit and will take a lot of adjusting to.

We changed ds (8, then 7) school back in March, not because of a move but because we felt his old school wasn't 'right' for him. We moved him to a much bigger primary.

It's taken a bit of adjustment. He's still on the outside with regards to friendships but most days he tells me he's played with somebody, occasionally nobody but he always comes out smiling. I won't lie, ds was quite happy to move, until the last day at his old school. He broke down big time and it was so painful to watch, heartbreaking. He missed his old teacher the most, this was upsetting to hear. He asks occasionally if he can go back and visit but tbh I'm not sure we'd be welcome. We left on what I thought were good terms but I emailed the school updating them on his great Sats results (as his former teacher had a huge part to play) but I heard nothing back

All in all though it's positive, some days though when I'm standing on my own in the playground it hits home that we are the 'newbies' and that it will take time to get to know other parents. It's different in our case though as we didn't move to the area, so you will have at least this in common with other parents and children at the new school.

I would go for it BUT you really really need to do your research before hand. grass is always greener and all that.

We live in a town which I moved to after uni because it was a town, a nice size, NOT too busy/city like etc. now it is no different to a city, most schools have no grass, just yards, far FAR too many people for the area, traffic terrible etc. so I suppose that is a really good argument for somewhere rural. having said that I was brought up in a village which I loved and which I would really like to be able to give to my children but it is now much much bigger than it was when I was a child and more like a town but with very few amenities, a commuter village now really with too many people for the services there. To live there now would mean still having to travel to everywhere but without really the advantages it used to have.

being a teenager somewhere rural is difficult and it does mean long journeys to everything with someone having to do the driving around.

Pick your area carefully and I think the children will settle and be happy. I loved being able to walk in the fields, I loved seeing the birds, hedgehogs, foxes, deer etc, the peace, bird song and so on but it did feel remote at times and can make socialising difficult.

Sadly I fear there aren't many places left now that are the rural idyl so many of us would like and I think you have to be aware that everywhere is getting more and more busy so you may spend a lot of money moving for this to discover that in a few years time as the population rockets you will end up not that different to where you are. Also remember that there is also crime, violence and problems in the country too, teenagers can just as easily turn to drink and drugs because they have nothing else to do so it might not be as perfect as you are hoping.

oh and make sure you have public transport - very difficult if you end up without a car for some reason and there are only 2 buses a day...

Whereabouts are you looking at moving to?

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the replies and sorry for the delay.

Really appreciate the positive and honest feedback. It's such a hard decision and been thinking about it so long I can't really see the wood for the trees anymore, so to speak!

I am trying to find the best thing for us now and for the future. I really want us to have a settled family life and am scared that it would take a couple of years and half their childhood would be gone already.

Some of you commented on the pace of life or lifestyle being better - I wonder how it would actually change for us. I imagine being happy to be home a bit more, rather than always off doing stuff. How is it different? What do your children do differently - and your teenagers? I don't know what teenagers today do anyway really! I know what me & my friends did where I grew up & I never thought about being far from stuff. My parents drive us sometimes and as we got older going out, we would arrange a minibus to collect us all from the various villages!

The problem is, we are actually very happy where we are - except we've settled here by accident and never intended it to be forever. It's almost a village atmosphere where we are, great community, lots of like minded people - just not green, not able to get a bigger house or head off for a walk without getting in the car - not enough fresh air & being outdoors. And a gut feeling that there's more to worry about in terms of crime or for the girls as teenagers.

We have got a nice life here & I'm wary of being stuck in a fantasy or trying to recreate my life as a child - and ending up giving up something good for the sake of the grass being greener.

I'm also struggling to find 'the place' we should move to - I don't think what I'm looking for exists because it's a confusion of what I have now and what I wanted originally.

So hard.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

How did the new school actually help your children to settle BTW? I think my girls would initially find it very very hard and it breaks my heart.

What you decide to do 7 years ago ? We are now in a very similar position !!