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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Original poster

y6 son cannot handle teasing/banter, how can I help him?

25 replies

lemonmarmalade · 10/10/2014 15:46

My son is almost 11 and is struggling with how to cope with the teasing and banter that seems to go on with the boys in his class.

He has had issues with this on and off over the last few years and I thought we had it sorted but this week he has had 2 episodes of stomping off and getting angry/upset.

How can I help him be more resilient? I am worrying myself sick about him because I fear the more he reacts the more he will be teased.

High school is just around the corner and I am so concerned about how he will cope.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 10/10/2014 20:08

Bump...

Also where is the line between banter and bullying? He's opened up a bit more and has told me today most of the other boys were on the climbing frame and would not let him on, just kept blocking it and saying don't let DS on. The boys later said to the teacher this was just a game hmm sounds quite mean to me

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HairyMaclary · 10/10/2014 20:12

Would also love any tips!

donkir · 10/10/2014 20:14

My son found joining Cubs/scouts really helped with his confidence. Unfortunately this kind of teasing is quite common. My son would also like yours get quite upset and cry which would make the trading worse.
Have you tried self defence classes? These aren't just about defending yourself but also teach you how to deal with different emotions.
My son is now in yr 8 and has a new group of friends and is thriving. It does get better.

Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 10/10/2014 20:21

It's so hard, i think he trys to ignore it but then gets upset, eventually he gets very very angry which in the past has resulted in big emotional outbursts at school. Things have been fine the last 6-7 months but it seems like it gradually building up again.

Poor boy is so upset it breaks my heart.

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Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 10/10/2014 20:22

He plays football outside of school but is reluctant to try anything else

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Earlybird · 10/10/2014 21:14

Is he an only child? Asking as I think they are simply not accustomed to the squabbling/insults that happen a dozen times a day in larger families. I also think 'only children' can have difficulty not taking things personally, and bouncing back when teased.

Maybe work with him on how to avoid the mean children and/or how to respond to the insults?

voddiekeepsmesane · 10/10/2014 22:10

Have to agree with Earlybird We have an only and went through this last year when we had to sit down and really discuss with DS (year 5 then year 6 now) about what he called teasing and low level bullying but when we got down to it, all of it was bantering. We had to explain that DS needed to find his position within the group he was hanging with (8 of them!) and we established that they all spoke to one another this way and he was not to take things so personally. His big stumbling block he said was that he could never think of a comeback fast enough (as being an only doesn't give the practice as being a sibling does), he has been working on this and has been coping and fitting in much better this year. HTH

Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 10/10/2014 22:15

He has a sister who is 4 yrs younger but they don't really argue so that could be part of it.

I think the problem is the teasing is coming from people that he actually likes and considers his friends. It seems that most of the boys in the year all hang around together so it's kind of tricky to avoid and find other people to be friends with.

Most of the teasing is about his ears which stick out a bit, OH said to just say stuff back and he said he doesn't want to and doesn't even know how to Sad

I do feel like the school need to take a harder stance on this so called teasing.

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halamadrid · 11/10/2014 01:01

Not letting him on the climbing frame isn't banter it's bullying. If he not in on the joke, is getting upset and they keep doing whatever it is even though they can see he is upset then it's not banter, it's bullying.

halamadrid · 11/10/2014 01:03

Making comments about his ears isn't acceptable either.

Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 11/10/2014 06:21

Thanks hala I did think they had crossed the line but the teacher seems to be playing it down so I start doubting myself and don't want to over react.

I just don't know what to do. I have told him if he is really unhappy we can look to move schools but I think he would find this really hard too.

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shebird · 11/10/2014 14:58

There are two issues here OP, the behaviour of those boys at school and also building your DSs self confidence.
Being teased and ostracised by classmates is not just banter and the school need to deal with this.

temporarilyjerry · 11/10/2014 19:21

I have had this problem with DS2, who is now 13. His friends enjoy "banter" and he can't handle it. I have contacted the school numerous times and they do deal with it, but then it happens again with a different "friend". He has an older brother and younger sister and is a scout.

I will watch this thread with interest. Hope things improve for your DS.

ontosecondary · 11/10/2014 20:46

There is a good book called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship.

DollyTwat · 11/10/2014 21:04

My d's is a bit like this, he doesn't cope well with the teasing from ds1 either. However, I he can sometimes turn it around and just agree with whatever's being said. So for example if he was being teased about his ears he might say 'you're right they're brilliant aren't they'
He doesn't always remember to do it if someone is being really hurtful, but it's a way of not reacting in the way the teaser expects

halamadrid · 12/10/2014 21:38

We tried all of the usual suggestions like people are suggesting here but none of it worked. The other kids already knew how to push ds's buttons so even if he tried to make a comeback it didn't work. He moved to a school where he knew nobody so nobody knew what buttons to press. It's the best thing we've ever done and he is so happy now. However, he did go to the new school with the mindset that he wasn't going to let anybody see what buttons to press so he sort of re-invented himself a little bit, not too much just with a bit more resilience.

Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 13/10/2014 09:20

I have said to him if he is really unhappy we can look at different schools, but since this is his last year at primary it seems almost pointless.

He went into school ok this morning and was chatting away to his friends so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed he has a good day.

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Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 13/10/2014 14:02

Had a phone call, there's been another incident today, going in for a meeting at 2.30.

I suffer with horrible anxiety and this is sending it through the roof. How can I help ds when I can't cope with this kind of stuff myself.

Had enough

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ontosecondary · 13/10/2014 14:20

good luck with that meeting, let us know the story.

Buy that Unwritten Rules of Friendship book, it is good - serious stuff.

ontosecondary · 13/10/2014 14:23

sorry, you'll have left now but....

Our head has a new strategy. One of the boys I work with struggles with behaviour and as a consequence the other boys try to wind him up for the pleasure of seeing him react.
I asked what he does when they start winding him up and he said "I go straight to see Mr X to chess club".
It does seem effective: rather than wait till he inevitably loses his temper and gets sent to the head, why not cut out the middle bit and let him take himself to the head.....
something similar could be done for your son perhaps?
One thing I think would really help in a lot of schools would be more education about deliberate winding up, which in my opinion is a form of bullying.

Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 13/10/2014 15:06

Thanks I'll definitely look at that book.

The meeting went ok I think. Today's incident was some row over some top trumps cards at wet break.

Some of the boys names I mentioned are apparently already on their radar for upsetting some other boys, so it seems it isn't just ds finding it too much.

They are going to do lots of work with the class in small groups about bullying, winding up etc.

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ontosecondary · 13/10/2014 15:47

It's encouraging that they called you in. Anything - even not quite understanding your son - is better than school indifference.

shove some thank yous that way to make them feel motivated. I used to think of myself as team coach - the teachers were my strikers.

MillyMollyMama · 13/10/2014 16:30

I do think though, that you/he will have to think out a strategy for senior school. There will be lots of new boys and, unfortunately, more to cope with. If his ears stick out, can he have the op to alter this? I know it sounds dramatic, but you never know! Can he find a few closer friends and try and drop the difficult ones? They are not really firends, are they? Sometimes children hang on to the more popular children because they are cool, but becomming more discerning and choosing friends carefully are good traits for secondary school.

ontosecondary · 13/10/2014 17:34

That's a good point. I had the op at 21 and regret not having it done earlier. People love to tell you it won't change things - those are usually people whose ears don't stick out.... of course, it would be wrong to suggest it will change everything.....

The end of year 6 would be the perfect time - I had it under local anaesthetic.

Original poster
lemonmarmalade · 13/10/2014 20:22

I've just had a Google and it looks like it's rarely funded by the NHS now. There's no way I could afford to go private.

I personally don't think they even look all that big, he is gorgeous.

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