Friend's DD having a horrid time at reception

[CruCru]

Hi all

Last night a friend was telling me that her DD was having a horrid time in reception in her new school (she has been there six weeks). I understand that almost all the other kids went to the nursery and only her and five other girls have come in at reception.

The five other girls have mixed in with the other kids but my friend's DD hasn't and is being excluded from the games at playtime and lunchtime. My friend has been to see the teacher who was not very receptive (she said that the girl is extremely shy and needs to fit in more with the other kids) but said that she would ask one of the other girls to go out to playtime with my friend's DD. However, each time she did this, the other girl would run off as soon as they got outside.

When my friend told the teacher that this was happening, the teacher said again that the girl is very shy and that she cannot control what happens outside. She said that she could not force other children to play with her as it wouldn't be fair.

My friend asked whether a buddy could be assigned to her and the teacher said that she could ask but if they didn't want to be her buddy, she couldn't make them as it wouldn't be fair.

What should my friend do? It sounds like a very old fashioned school (for instance she said that they don't believe that girls and boys would want to play together). She also got in on the waiting list and thinks it will be difficult to move her as the other schools round here can be very oversubscribed.

She is a single mum who works full time so she really can't home educate.

Has the mother started the inviting a child for tea/play?

The teacher sounds unhelpful from your description but a good one would suggest a couple of names of children whom they think might connect a little with. Is there a TA to ask?

I am not sure - I do know that she has offered to get involved in the school's equivalent of the PTA (think they call it something else) so that she can meet other parents.

It is quite hard for the teacher to be honest, she does sound a bit unhelpful but equally whilst she can ask a child to look after another or play with another she can't MAKE them do it once they are out in the playground as she is right, it isn't fair.

I agree the PTA is a good place to meet others, also if mum could try just chatting to other parents at the gate, ask who their children are etc and perhaps ask if anyone would like to go to the park (assuming the monsoon stops) and play after school?

also it sounds like the little girl is extremely shy, could she look at putting her name down for Rainbows (can start at 5) nearby or some drama type activity? doesn't have to be with people from school but it would help build her confidence which in turn will help her feel more able to approach other children at school.

Also agree with asking a TA for suggestions. Our school do some coffee mornings, not just new parents but any parents and it is a nice way to meet other people and chat to the TAs who run them.

Playdates really do help. Whoever she invites will probably want to play with her at school all day! Or could she throw a small halloween party?

The teacher is right that she can't force them, but in our school there is a friendship bench where children can go if they have no one to play with, and some Y2s are always on duty at playtime ready to help out anyone who needs support.

Also bear in mind that 4yos do see the world through their own particular lens. Both my 2 have said they've had no one to play with, while their teachers said they were fine and had played with x, y and z that day and ate their lunch with x. I reckon the odd playtime or few mins when they were by themselves loomed very large in their minds. That said, DD in particular was quite stressed in the early days but it did blow over. She absolutely blossomed when they mixed the classes going into Y1 and has been very happy since.

yeah I think the children only give the negatives. dd has often claimed 'no one will play with me' but in fact she means that she won't compromise and play the game the group want to! She also has a tendency to get bored of Child A, decides to upgrade to Child B then is surprised when Child B is a bit put out .

I think it will settle down....I doubt that all the children are refusing to play with her. And dd who is now in y1 names a boy as her best friend (at the moment ).

Although I also think that the school have a duty of care at breaktime too, so it may be worth talking to the head teacher about this.

child A is put out

Unfortunately - this is not the problem the teacher can solve by herself.

I also had a shy nearly summer-born DD who started Reception a couple of years ago and didn't know how to make friends.

Unfortunately, there is no other solution but to have a lot of play dates. During the first couple of terms at school I tried to have one, and sometimes two at dates per week, to make sure that my girl got to know her classmates outside of the stresses of the school playground. I also tried to make the play dates fun - got the girls to do crafts, or make their own pizza, etc. I wanted the other girls to want to have more dates with my DD, and, hopefully, as a result, play with her at school as well.

It was a bit of an effort, but it did pay off. Now DD is in Y3 and well adjusted.

Good luck to your friend!

It was a bit of an fort

It is very early days yet, and they all need to give it time.The teacher is right insomuch as that if she is too shy to give anything back to the other children, they will give up on trying to make friends with her.
What the teacher can do is engineer classroom situations where she is forced to communicate with the other children and has to speak eg she is the 'shopkeeper' and another gorl the customer etc to help her overcome her shyness.
What she can't do is force other children to play with her in the playground, for one thing it might make them resent her and have the opposite effect.