Daughter being excluded by other children/child

[ade1865]

Hi, New to the forum, basically because we've discovered that our 6 yr old daughter is spending much of break/lunch time wandering round the playground on her own, as other children wont play with her. these are the same children that are happy to play one on one, but in school for some reason they blank our daughter, leaving her to wander the schoolyard alone. She now does not want to go to school, or wants to move school.

When we questioned the head about this, she said there was a 'strong dynamic' among the girls in our daughter's year. They would keep an eye on it.

Our daughter is not a typical build for her peers, being more stocky and a bit overweight. When my wife questinoned the headmistress regarding the issue above, her response included the line 'well she has put on a few pounds this summer'.

Frankly I dont know if the school should be taking this more seriously. I obviously feel they should, because its my daughter, and I can stand the thouight that she's being excluded, pehaps by the actions/words of one or more children in her year, but is this something the school can/should deal with? I dont think they take it seriously at all.

Finally, if I dont think I'm going to get anywhere with the school, where do i go next?

What provisions have the school got for children who don't have anyone to play with? Some schools have friendship benches, peer Counsellors to talk to about their problems, and lunchtime clubs.

Have you asked the school what their anti bullying policy is? Is she actually being excluded? Sometimes children can say this but in fact are quite happy and do play with others.

The HT should not have referred to your DDs weight. If you think her weight might affect her health, have you put any steps into place?

Does she go to any out of school activities and how does she get on in other groups?

I'm so sorry that you and your DD are going through this. Would it be possible to speak to her class teacher and see what measures can be put in to place to make things better for your DD and arrange for a review in a little while. A lot of schools have things such as friendship benches etc in place.

I think it is awful that the HT made that comment. Very unprofessional in my opinion.

Hope you manage to solve this situation sooner rather than later.

ade1865 headmistress regarding the issue above, her response included the line 'well she has put on a few pounds this summer'. A comment like that from would make me see red. Some children naturally put weight on prior to a growth spurt. No child should be judged on their weight unless is it at an unhealthy level at either end of the scale.

As per JiltedJohnsJulie post, ask for specific examples of how the school address issues with forming friendships or exclusion by other children.

The school has said they will monitor the situation. Give it a week or two and go back and ask for their feedback on their observations (this should be sufficient time for them to identify if there could be an issue).

If the school insists there is not a problem see if you can pop along to the school yourself during a break or lunch time (would need to be on a couple of occasions) and look to see if you can see your DD and whether they are playing with other children.

In the mean time try to find out from other parents which out of school clubs their DCs are in that your DC could join.

Consider whether you could organise play dates at home or on days out.

Some children take longer to forge friendships and it is not unusual for children at this age to not have a specific group of friends. Try to encourage DC to play with a variety of children as it could just be that they have not found the right fit yet.

sorry if I have missed this but are you basing this on what she is telling you or have the staff noticed this? I only ask because we get similar stories from our girls and their friends tell their parents the same yet whenever I walk past the playground I see a different story. a 5 year old thinks of 5 minutes on their own at playtime as an eternity. I am not saying she is wrong but just that it might not be as bad as it appears at the moment.

I am not sure how her weight fits into this. Have the children been calling her names? is she less able to run around because she isn't as fit?

One of mine was bullied in Reception and is still struggling to make friends now in Yr1. It is hard but I think a lot of children go through it at some point.

I suppose if her weight is a concern, for you or her then you could look at upping her physical activity so take up dancing, swimming, multisports etc and walk to school if possible, play outside more (hulahooping is GREAT).

Speak to her teacher, not the head but her class teacher and TA, find out what they see every day, is she happy and confident in class but not in play, is she more comfortable with structured activities, is she ok if she is paired up or put in a group but struggles to approach a group of children on her own, that kind of thing. The head is unlikely to know these day to day things but that is what you need to know so you can start to work out how to help her.

actually I have just reread your post and realised it wasn't you asking the head about her weight it was the head mentioned it when asked about her not having anyone to play with. I can't see its relevance other than as I said about confidence possibly or ability to run around.

schools do tend to be hands off about things like this, rightly or wrongly. I don't know, part of me thinks that a lot of the time the children work through it for themselves but for every 5 children say who do that there is probably 1 who ends up seriously struggling. If confidence is an issue then you could ask if they do ELSA (emotional literacy support assistance I think it stands for) and if so could she have some sessions to build her self esteem.

How did she go on at school yesterday ade? Have you spoken to the teacher yet?

OP I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I fear that I may end up in the same situation. DD says that she always has someone to play with if she wants to, but often she doesn't want to play with anyone and is happy to play by herself. But I worry that she will be alienating herself by doing this.

But while she's happy about it there's nothing I can do. She's clearly confident enough in herself to just be happy on her own. Your situation it sounds like, is the reverse. It sounds like your DD is being purposely left out.

Sorry that this doesn't help, but I hope something is done in the school and quickly!

Unfortunately, something like weight can be an issue because it's not uncommon for kids to bully (overtly or by exclusion) a child who is in any way different from the herd. DD had a girl join her class in yr3 , came from a different school where she'd been bullied. But your HT's comment really didn't sound helpful.... more like victim blaming .

The school should be doing something to help. Some use a 'buddy' system with an older child who looks out for a younger one who's having some sort of problem. They might need to do some sessions/assemblies on friendship and kindness to push them in the right direction.